Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out!

Well what I feared would happen, did happen. Justin (15) finally caught wind of the news. Now last weekend when the Swine Flu reports started coming in I told Kyle (11) that we needed to try not to alert Justin about it all until we knew more. Kyle wholeheartedly agreed. Why did my little Kyle jump on that band wagon??...He knows what life is like living with someone who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The last few days I was able to keep Justin calm and focused, but yesterday when the World Health Organization (WHO) had their press conference and raised the pandemic alert to a hearty 5, all hell broke free and the tornado of obsessive thoughts took control of Justin. He walked around with a napkin over his mouth as he announced to me that as of TODAY he is under quarantine. There will be no one but us coming into our home, and he isn't going ANYWHERE until at least June. I am almost sure the next thing will be he will be him following Kyle around with a can of Lysol every

People now tell me they think I am strong. A rock. "You've survived so much." "You can handle so much." While it may all be true...that I have survived a lot...handled so much...and have been able to keep growing, and moving on....what they don't realize is underneath it all I still grieve all that has been lost. That "rock" which is able to deflect so much pain, so many attacks...protects a tender heart of a woman which nurtures the dreams of a child...a little girl...who still holds on to the dream that fairy tales can come true. I do still wonder at times if there will come a day when the grief of loss will become too much to bear that bitterness will take hold and tarnish my view on life, the past, the world, love and the future. I think that is why I decided to write this blog. There are some people out there I know who have read my writings, and were shocked when they learned for the first time the steps my life has walked. I know this becaus

Yes, I have too much time on my hands! LOL! Yesterday's high tech arts and crafts project!

The birthday boy and his new bike... My baby, Kyle, turns 11 today. Justin will be 16 in August. It's so damn hard to believe that in a blink of an eye my boys will be men. I am an extremely lucky Mom, and I mean that in all sincerity. My boys keep me going. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't for them if I would have found the strength the last few years to push on. We're a tight knit unit - the boys and I; extremely close. Even last summer when I was working nutty hours and two jobs we still managed to sit down at the table at least once a day and eat together....our social time. We talk about everything under the sun from their day...my day...their friends...my friends...to current events. No topic is off limits. However there are times when I feel my eyebrows raising as I clear my throat trying to find a way to answer an uncomfortable question. People often ask me why I don't hate their father for all he has done in the last few years....the scars he has left in all ou

It was amazing to me how people opened up once they realized why the clothing, toys and shoes were being given away freely at the Pay it Forward sale. The stories people told me were a reflection of today's society and showed not only the struggles many are facing but also the courage to succeed. Keep in mind that many of the people who attended the Pay it Forward sale being held in my driveway, happened along it while they were on their way somewhere else. Many didn't come with the intent to get something free, and once they realized what it was all about, and why...they opened up... One woman told me about her friends whose trailer home had just had a fire. Most everything had been lost from either flames or smoke damage. She picked out some clothing for them, and I told her to let them know about the Wish Upon a Hero site. As she walked away, she turned around and announced how she just had to give me a hug....she then promised to "Pay it Forward" to others. A Gra

So I plan this huge yard sale..this Pay it Forward sale . A good thing, right? Why is it then situations like last night never fail? Yesterday evening I sat in my fully loaded down, three season porch, pricing items and folding all the clothing ...separating them as best as possible into pile; women's, men's, boy's and girl's. Three hours later I emerge from the porch making mental notes of all the little things I will need to do first thing in the morning....signs, run and get change before I open the sale..and damn...what the hell am I going to put everything on? I decided that I would just force my vampire self into waking up extra early to ensure I don't feel rushed....I even made sure I didn't have my evening coffee so that I could try to get asleep at a decent time... Well a decent time to bed didn't happen. I don't even know why I expected it to. At midnight I was calling that good friend of mine in Oregon for our regular almost daily conversation

Yes, my bra has set off airport metal detectors. And, yes, it's embarrassing when the "found the treasure" of beeps go off when the attendant's handheld detector sweeps in front of my chest but considering recent news, that "poke your arm pit" metal contraption known as an underwire bra...can save a life. Wonder bra...miracle bra....call it what you will...in a time when you need to pop a Xanax to stomach lead stories and headlines.... I say it's a bit of uplifting news! Take a look and then save a life and buy a bra!

If you read my blog last week you may have noticed a tidal waves of emotions. I once again felt like I was being pulled in many different directions, and on top of that a bit of frustration because I also realized how far I've come in the last few years....but emotional exhaustion does take a toll, even on the strongest person. Bill collectors, depleting bank account and my son's 11 th birthday at the end of the month. All of it got to me. Thinking about Christmas and how I wasn't able to provide the boys with gifts like I wanted to - grateful remembering the community that filled those needs with Toys for Joy...but still that ache of frustration was in me. Last week I blogged about that site I read about on a message board - Wish Upon A Hero - and after reading what they were all about, I swallowed that sometimes stubborn pride of mine, and made a wish on behalf of my son and his upcoming birthday....24 hours later, that wish was being granted. When I read that notice on

This morning I woke up to an email from my good friend in Oregon. Contained in it was a link to an article in the Christian Science Monitor on how , today, set for argument in front the US Supreme Court is a case involving an Arizona middle school, where a student was striped search by school officials. The female CHILD at the time was 13 years old, and according to the article , was stripped searched due to the statement of one other child that she had brought to school and shared with fellow classmates some "high strength ibuprofen." Safford school officials are argue that their actions were reasonable under the fourth amendment: 'The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.' Now

Last fall a friend of mine shared with me these two videos. It was right at the time when my full time job was in the process of layoffs, and I knew my layoff was right around the corner, especially since my hours had already been cut. Thanksgiving and Christmas were also just around corner. Needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods. I was scared, and oh so tired. It had been a very rough year, either I was constantly working (2 jobs) or I was taking the kids to counseling for help on dealing with the crime they witnessed their father commit against me...a year where there were many court hearings...finalizing that long overdue divorce that I filed for in 2006, and also the hearings where I sat in the audience...looking at the man I once loved, up on (3) counts of 2 nd degree sexual abuse (against me), battery (domestic violence) and (2) counts of causing mental harm to a child (what the children witnessed). I sat wondering if he would take the plea, or make our children testi

The absolute worst abuse I have ever suffered from has been the emotional beatings I have placed upon myself. It's very true...I have beaten myself up...insulted myself....treated my own body like crap... and worse than any man in my life ever has or ever could. In the past I have called myself: worthless ugly stupid fat a bitch hideous a burden In the past I have neglected: my own emotions my future my dreams my health my body my spiritual growth my intellectual growth How it has affected my life: by allowing myself to be a victim of abuse at the hands of others an eating disorder when I was a teen and into being a young adult: bulimia weakened my body and mind by not eating right smoking suicidal thoughts when I was a teen living with pain that could have been managed by going to a doctor I have not been able to trust myself..love myself..to realize when others truly loved me, or didn't kept myself frozen in place out of fear that I would fail Wow, even writing all that out I

I'm going to be walking on a shaky ground bringing up this subject, especially since there may be members of my own community reading this, but freedom of speech is a right...so here I go. Recently I've gotten involved in helping to organize an energy fair in my community. It would be on renewable energy, and conservation. Now the only reason I got pulled into this is because I was approached and asked if I knew anyone who would be interested. Considering I know a lot of people in the community, I said I could send out a few emails.....and right then and there it all started! "Energy" has never been a subject I've felt comfortable in discussing. Education, special education, disability rights, domestic violence and sexual assault...those have been the issues I have knowledge on and have advocated on behalf of. So there was a part of me that felt a little intimidated by being involved in something I was basically clueless on. The more I thought about it, I decided

I just wanted to let people know that a kind stranger on Wish Upon a Hero has granted Kyle's wish for a new bike for his birthday...I am amazed. Please let anyone you know who needs help about this site, and also anyone in the position to help. I know I will be paying it forward ever chance I get. Wish Upon A Hero

Yesterday I read on a message board about a site called Wish Upon a Hero . A woman on that message board spoke how she found the site, and posted about a surgery she needed but couldn't afford due to lack of insurance. She went on to tell how a doctor had contacted her and told her he would do the surgery at no cost. She wanted to spread the word, and pay her good luck forward in hopes that others will go there and help those in need. This intrigued me, especially since earlier in the week I had that situation with the bill collectors, and in my own frustration Googled "need money." When I did that I found sites that charged people to list their heartaches, and requests. Sites making money off of other people's despair. Timing off all of this is something, huh? Anyway...I went to the site expecting to see yet another site making money off of people in need - guess I am getting cynical. To my surprise I found something else. There's no fee to join was the first thi

This time of year always brings mixed emotions for me. I love watching the snow melt while it exposes the green of tulips bursting through the ground. It also means pretty soon my favorite flower will be blooming; Lilacs. There's something about the fragile petals, and lingering scent of lilacs that reminds me about life and how beautifully fragile it also is. My father is buried All Saints Cemetery (Des Plaines, IL) next to a beautiful lilac bush. When I lived in Illinois I would visit his grave almost weekly. I would kneel next to where he laid, and silently tell him about Justin growing up...and then when the time came, I would let him know how there was another grandchild (Kyle) on the way. I would fill him in about everyone and everything, and I always left with a tear in my eye and saying, "I miss you daddy." My father passed away when I was just 27 years old, and Justin was only 2. I was extremely close to my father; Daddy's Little Princess. He was quite a rema

I blame it all on spring.. The first part of this week I have spent every evening at a meeting volunteering or venting (sometimes both), while the days have been spent job hunting and trying to figure out ways I can earn a living working from home if I have to. Plus of course there was that situation with those blood sucking ...carpet bagging ...bottom of the barrel... pond scum... bill collectors. Yeah, I guess you could say I've been a little stressed out. So when I noticed the beautiful spring day we were having here today in Wisconsin, I decided it was the perfect time....perfect day...to take the boys out for a picnic dinner and do so at one of my favorite places to go...by a local lake; Buckhorn. My youngest son, Kyle, came home from school and I surprised him with the news. Even my usually "I hate nature" teenager, Justin, was excited at the thought. So we packed up the car with some goodies and off we went. There's something about water that totally relaxes me

If you read my earlier blog today you would know I was somewhat ticked off by a collection agency. I wasn't mad that they called me, I know I owe the debt. I was upset by the way they treated me. It brought out that advocate in me...the one that will never allow anyone to ever think they can verbally abuse me ever again....and yes, the claws came out. Not only did I file a complaint with the Jacksonville area BBB, but I also filed an online complaint with the Wisconsin Department of Financial Institutions -Bureau of Consumer Affairs against Kellar King and Associates, and their illegal debt practices. Now when I was doing this I thought the process would take a long time...I mean it is a government agency! I was shocked...stunned...SPEECHLESS when within less than 2 hours of me clicking the submit button on the complaint form, I received an email from Mr. Michael Lawton, a Compliance Officer, requesting that I contact him at my earliest convenience regarding the complaint and

It's not a proud moment when you get a phone call from bill collectors...stomach churns...shame builds...degrading, dehumanizing , embarrassing. Yes, I am more than aware that I owe the money, and I freely admit that...I own up to it as best as one person can...as gut wrenching as it is. What is even more disturbing to me is this all is the domino effect of the last couple years of my marriage and the abuse that took place....the end result and fear that keep so many people victims frozen in place in abusive situations; economic need. So this morning when I got the call from a collection agency that shows up on my caller id as " Kellar King" 904-672-1814... I did my absolute best to remain calm. I tell them my situation...unemployed mom of 2, divorced, receiving unemployment benefits, no child support due to ex in prison for the crime he committed against the children and I. I know as the words come out my mouth it sounds like an excuse...but it is what it is. They tell

I've been holding off writing more about the Sandra Cantu case. I wanted to wait until charges were filed against the person they have in custody; Melissa Huckaby (28 yrs old). Huckaby , just a short while ago, was charged with not only the murder (special circumstances) but also the rape of 8 yr old Sandra Cantu. This entire story is gut wrenching, and one that is very hard to wrap the mind around. Huckaby is of course innocent until proven guilty, but the mere scenario that the mother of a 5 yr old girl could do such a horrific thing to her child's playmate and neighbor is well..........I'm speechless. Prosecutors have requested a gag order from the judge, and that I believe has yet to be ruled on. I would suspect considering the nature of the case it would be granted. People in the community are shocked, and stunned by the charges...as well as people around the world. Not only was a sweet innocent child sexually assaulted, and then murdered...but the accused is a woma

Wow!! I am really amazed at some of the things people have shared with me since starting this blog. While there have been some comments left here on the blog itself, there have been more shared in personal emails and instant messages. I am honored that so many feel safe in sharing with me their walk in life....especially male survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault. I've heard from men who grew up in families where domestic abuse was the norm..including stories of murder/suicide within their families....to child sexual assault at the hands of both genders. The pain in their words they type to me is clear and is something that cannot be masked nor fabricated. All of this just highlights how toxic these forms of abuse are...whether you were the direct victim, or recieved the domino effect from growing up in a house under both the victim's and abuser's control. For the most part society assumes that victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault are women...and the abuser

Ok, another night where I was at a meeting and drank wayyyyyy too much coffee. So here I am wide awake at 2 a.m. I had a long conversation with my friend in Oregon...then ended up reading various news clips on the net. Viral advertising seems to be the latest buzz on the internet. I have to give it to those advertising executives, they've found a way for all of us to do their dirty work...... That being said, I ran across this video which is still cracking me up when I think about it. Automatically I thought about that friend of mine in Oregon...he has a thing for lawn mowers, LOL!!! Anyway...funny or offensive...you decide...

This weekend, as I was painting, I did a lot of thinking -- as you most likely can tell thinking is something i tend to do a lot of....one very good friend in Oregon would say ..."TOO MUCH!" Anyway I am not sure if I like this being "single." And no, it's not because I am uncomfortable with being alone...or because I need someone to "complete" me...but more because I don't really get this world of dating. Last month I wrote about that special someone I had met and dated, and how intense it all was. And there's no doubt it was intense - so much so, that I got scared because I realized that I was happy....a feeling that for many years I've missed feeling. Anyway, a fear settled in that one day it could all be gone....that I could wake up and he would be gone. That scared the hell out of me, and rather than having to wait for it to happen....I pretty much sabotaged my own happiness - and he caught on to it fast (can't blame him). So "

Well I did it! I finished that kitchen, and yes I am once again sore. Thursday evening I started the project of painting cabinets to match the walls I had painted the weekend before. First there was all those little screws I had to take out to get the cabinet doors off....then there was the sanding...then came the layers of primer, and paint. After hours upon hours of work...a few choice words (actually more than a few).... the cabinets were completed. Men, I now completely understand your fascination with power tools!!!! For me it started with the sanding - "Wow, it would be nice to have a electric sander" and then by Friday evening while I was reinstalling the cabinet doors with a screwdriver and a butter knife, I was saying (yes, not thinking, but rather grunting it out as I stood on a chair holding up a cabinet door)- "Why the hell don't I have a drill??? I want a drill!!! A normal person would be doing this with a FUGGIN DRILL!" Saturday morning I woke