War- is There a Silver Thread of Care?

 

I was a sponge when I was a kid, information and the unseen, the unsaid - those emotions that swirl in any given environment. Being the youngest, I was often reminded I didn't know anything and that I spoke too much. 

You come to rely on those skills and as you travel life in the haze of c-ptsd. Unfortunately for my generation, there are far too many of us. We did in fact grow up feral because of it - trying to juggle wars and terrorism and love, peace, and fight the system - while we raised ourselves....being those sponges. 

Duality was our existence. 

We were still part of the crowd who faithfully went to church and returned home to see terror on the news. 

I have those uneasy feelings I had as a kid..

Maybe it is flashes of that or being around Grandma Woywod when she'd get lost in her memories of war and everything it took from her world. 

All I know is if I had to describe this feeling in a visual , it feels like impending dark clouds.  

The little girl still within me wants to scream those questions of innocence, "why?" And remark how none of it makes sense - war leads to more war, never has it lead to sustained lasting peace. 

Logically we all know this, right? 

So, why?

Do you go there? That place still in you, that little piece of innocence hopefully you managed to hold on to from your childhood, and ask why? 

I try not to dwell there but at the same time I also don't want to turn away like so many did in 40s and the years leading up - 

The mess with the Epstein files do not help. It's obvious intel agencies had a field day...decades..with that operation, and still are - it's the layer to all of this that adds more dread. 

We've never healed the wounds from the prior battles - 

Take it from someone whose had a lot of trauma - this shit isn't healthy. 

I worry about kids taking this all in...

Their parents, already dealing with stress and added can collapse an already bad situation..

Less resources for them all. 

It scares me. I remember the days of volunteering and trying to get things together, roofs over heads against a wave of naysayers and "those people" comments along with support from the most unlikely places - I'd end the day exhausted and often in tears - sometimes happy ones and most times frustrated that we couldn't do more.  

That work, believe it or not, helped me to cling on to something -for me-I could do  when I knew my health was spiraling, I knew it long before moving to Wisconsin about my health, chicken pox at 30 put my system in overdrive.

But even so, volunteering during those years,  in a weird twisted way, helped me to stay alive - Strange dynamics being seen as a strong person when you know you will be crawling into bed and crying real tears from real pain into your pillow and no one will ever know. I had many conversations with God and Mary - a few good arguments, apologies, and my regrets and dreams shared. 

It's a haze. The need in the community was great, it was the recession. I think greater than most realized when we started. With it came all the baggage within a community too. Those unhealed dynamics caught in cycles within homes. It spills into everything, absolutely everything. 

I cannot believe how many times people thought there was an agenda attached to the work we did, when we could. If anything we tried hard to keep agendas and barriers away- restrictions from other programs is one of the reasons the need was great. I know, right now, there are a lot of people who relate with those words and you are holding on by a thread, #silverthreadofcare - the others need to open their eyes and see you/ hear you. And you need to allow them to - because, when we lose those ones, we lose the heartbeats in a community - I say that in honor of women I knew - Carla Von Hayden and Lois Lawton - both from Juneau County and both some of the most diehard volunteers I've ever witnessed, opinionated ones, too ;). 

Watch out for those types, sometimes their hearts get in the way of selfcare. 

Maybe I shouldn't, but I worry for us all about the weeks to come- 

Guess I needed this out of my own system for some selfcare and make it easier to sleep - 

Wars, unfortunately, will still be there in the morning - 

I wonder what would happen if we all just sighed out loud the fears from that piece of childhood innocence buried within? 

Would Mother Mary Hear our Tears?

Sleep Well - Be Well 

💜🌹💜🌹💜