Please Lord, not this.........

Worried

Anxious

Fearful

Apprehensive

Irritable

Cranky

Reflective


That's me this week. It was just a few weeks ago where I wrote how I was taking charge this year, and making sure I was in the driver's seat, and right now I feel like I am driving a 1976 Mercury Comet that is spinning out of control.

That was the year when I, as a child, became ill only to have the next decade spent in hospitals, and specialists' offices. Poked...tested....isolated...and in pain.

I'm getting flashbacks even though I am trying to keep from seeing them. The trigger being my son, Kyle. Much like me back then, Kyle is now showing symptoms of something popping up, and has an appointment tomorrow with a pediatric hematologist. This appointment comes after many months being ill off and on, and after numerous visits with doctors here in town.

And I am fearful.

Anxious.

Worried...

It started the same way with me. Thriving otherwise, but always ill. Not the typical picture of a child with an illness. "But she's so healthy looking." "She doesn't 'act' sick." etc,,,,

Those comments are now being made about Kyle...that off and on illness he has in his body right now is tricking everyone.....however, those blood test results are showing that something is going on.

Plus then there are the days when my olive-toned mini-me is paler than his fair skinned brother, Justin - and interestingly, like I was, the days he looks his worse are the days he feels good.

Please Lord, not this....

They never figured out what was wrong with me...10 years of hospitalizations....100's of appointments with specialist....bone marrow after bone marrow....they never figured it out, not even when finally they removed my ever growing spleen when I was 18.

I always just wanted to believe that I was a "fluke" of nature. That somehow whatever I had couldn't be passed down to my children.

So...this week, I find myself taking long hot baths....or staring out windows and saying to myself..Please Lord, not this.

I rarely, if ever, speak of or discuss my personal faith because I believe it to be just that, personal. Much like any personal and committed relationship, only my closest and most trusted friends will hear me discuss it....

But lately I must admit I've been doing a lot of looking towards that sky and asking for answers, wanting reasons, and pleading that history doesn't repeat itself.

I keep telling myself not to worry, just let things play out ...it is what it is...whatever that means.

My boys have been through so much - Justin with his special needs that others don't always understand because they are known as "hidden disabilities" - The Mild Cerebral Palsy that you cannot see on a first glance, but if you watched him walk up stairs you'd see how he holds on dearly to the railing....or if you know about his gastrointestinal issues because his stomach muscles don't always receive that signal from the brain to contract. The excruciating pain he is in when growing takes a hold...how he holds his legs crying...and how they stiffen and turn inwards. Mom....me....I am the one that gets to witness my child's pain.

Then of course the learning disabilities...the central auditory processing disorder, and OCD and the years we dealt with seizures and that horrid medication.

We've made it through the worst years with all of that, and then domestic violence entered our home..how he and his brother tried to save me from that final attack....and during a time when he had to deal with losing the grandmother he lived with since he was two.

And now Kyle....and whatever is going with him....

Please Lord, not this.....

Yes, Please Lord, please let my boys have the last few years of their childhood to consist of fond memories....fun...laughter...joy.....Please Lord, let us have a break.

I just gave all of you a glimpse into my quiet moments. The time when I hide in that bathroom taking that extra long hot bath....or I stare out that window when no one is around....you received a glimpse into this mother's heart.

I cannot pretend that right now I am that tower of strength ...that rock. No, right now I just really want a break for my kids, for me. Right now I am fearful of that pediatric hematologist's office visit tomorrow....and I am sure this is a normal response to such a situation.

So tomorrow we will get in that piece of crap car of mine, pray as we go down the long road to Madison that the car will get us there and back safely....and pray that the results we receive is something that can be easily and painlessly fixed.......

Until then I will continue with my quiet moments and say, Please Lord, not this....

One thing I think I've learned is................

A mother's love comes from the depths of worry her heart can contain.

$1.97 for 1.25 - YIKES!

"When in the Hell did THAT happen?"

"Unfriggenbelievable!!!!"

"I need glasses!"

Those were pretty much my comments as I took that little self eye exam while recently at a Walmart. You know the one....over by those granny looking cheap reading glasses.

Spawning me to that little self torture, was the fact that I have been noticing more and more that I am handing things to my 11 yr old and saying...Read that! Tell me what is says!

That and those headaches that seem to be more and more often after a day in front of the computer is what led me to confirming the fact I am getting OLD!. (well at least parts of me are)

YIKES!

Now being the frugal person I am, I - (of course) did not purchase that 14.99 pair of reading spectacles - I knew I could find a better buy - plus I was unwilling to accept the fact that now I knew I had to make that eye appointment I have now put off having for at least a decade or so.

So I spent the next week with all of that on my mind as I procrastinated on making that appointment...

Then Saturday I made my way through a little store we have here in town called Better Buys - AND that's when I saw them....those granny glasses for $1.97 a pair -

Can't get much cheaper than that...Was my thought...

Needless to say I stood there trying on all those fugly glasses, all while my children stood there and commented about how old I must be...and how I, one day, would make a "sweet old grandma" . (They're so lucky their sarcasm came from me!)

I ended up finding a pair I could see through, and somewhat deal with if there is ever a need to pull them out in public.

Later that evening I pulled them out and actually used them..and that's when I realized just how long now I have been squinting to see......it was like WOW!!! Imagine that? All that time?? WOW!!!

Now that I can stomach the fact it's better to see, than to age uncomfortably as I squint my eyes - this morning I did make that eye appointment.... after all if I am going to age, I might as well look good doing it...besides Badger Care covers it......Now that REALLY is A DEAL!!!

Surreal does not cover this week........

It was just one week ago tonight that I learned my cousin Marty passed away....

Since then to say my week has been surreal would be an understatement.

Of course there's been the grieving when a family member passes away, but with a chaotic week I am not sure it has all hit home yet....

Things at the paper have been a little crazy - and this week was a week that highlighted it all -

Chaos of deadline and trying to get the needed funds so I could get to Chicago to the wake made for the Tuesday from hell. The evening before I was at our local high school to cover an event that would also serve to help promote Lend a Hand - it was sponsored by Right Choice..a youth sports program here in town - Right Choice brought in former NFL and Wisconsin Badger, Cecil Martin, to give a motivational talk - the only requirement for the youth to attend was that they bring an item of "need" for the clients that Lend a Hand will work with -

After the talk, Cecil took the time not only for an interview for the paper, but also to help me with a little promotional project I was working on for Lend a Hand. A spur of the moment idea I had ....he allowed me to video tape him saying "Lend a Hand, Juneau County!"

So an exciting evening just 24 hours after learning my cousin passed away....

Then came the chaos of that dreaded deadline day along with trying to figure out ways to get to Chicago....not an easy task when my car quite frankly is a piece of crap that I don't trust driving around town let alone over 200 miles...and then of course my bank balance was at 32 dollars and just enough food to get us through the week as that morning I made a trip to the food pantry.

A lot to absorb, yes, I know - I still shake my head in disbelief about it all - How did I get here?

And that's when I remember I got here much like the people Lend a Hand helps - life happens.

And when it happens in an area where resources are scarce...opportunities are hidden under a mountain of struggles...it makes complete sense...

Those thoughts are what drive me to put my all into Lend a Hand..

I remember just how isolated I felt when life took that turn after 15 years of marriage and I was now living that nightmare of domestic violence ..which then led to becoming a single mom raising two sons on little to nothing and feeling like there was no where to turn...no where to go...that hope was a lie other's tell you to hang on to because they just don't know what else to say.

No one should ever have to feel that way.........forgotten.

No child should ever have to watch their parent hide tears they know they are internally crying as they try to hang on to that roof...and make food stretch until "something" happens.

It's the most horrible feeling there is....that feeling like if you disappear off the face of the Earth no one would notice....that feeling like you've been forgotten while you're struggling to hang on to life.

So yes, remembering how that feels...or while some days I still feel the weight of it all....it drives me forward. ..

And, something I have learned these last three or so years is that when you think you cannot take it anymore....it's all just too overwhelming....that if you just find one thing to dive into, to give your all...miracles can and do happen.

So as I was absorbing the death of my cousin, and as I was juggling all the things a divorced mom raising two kids alone does, and as I stomached the fact I made just 14,000 dollars last year with 6,700 of it or so being from unemployment and only 3400 from the paper - and the rest from another job I had.....I got overwhelmed.

My break and time to reflect came on that long drive to Chicago to be at my cousin's wake....a friend helped me with gas and incidental money until my tax refund comes in, and another friend, Rick, took an entire day to go with me.....drive me... and be the emotional support the kids and I needed....

Surreal...but that drive came at a time when I needed it most...

I needed to not do anything....but sit....think...and be with a friend who I know is not judging me nor my life.

We left for Chicago at 10 in the morning, and pulled back into my driveway at around 11pm that evening - 8 hours total in driving, the remainder at the wake or stopping to fill Justin's 16 year old, and always "starving" stomach.

The next day I awoke to 132 emails....some from work, and some personal, and then some on Lend a Hand ..

As I muddled through the emails and situations that needed immediate attention, I was still absorbing the drive and wake from the previous day...wondering why...how...when...will all of this come to the "Everything Happens for a Reason" that I try to hold on to.

Then I remembered that email I had on deadline day...one that made me cry..

A teacher from the middle school emailed me to let me know that an 8th grade leadership club raised over 250 dollars for Lend a Hand - I started feeling the "hope" again...I mean after all these were kids that are growing up in this county where high unemployment and poverty is rampant...where the resources are scarce and most likely while watching their parents hide those tears as they try to provide....those kids "get it" and they are next generation...

It's working....things were starting to make sense to me again...

All the whys....all the hows....and that Everything Does Happen for a Reason....

A busy start of the week gave way to even a busier end of the week....

Stories to cover for the paper...

A renewed sense of hope.....

And closure on one client we had helped...that elderly lady who was evicted....

Yesterday I along with three other volunteers packed up her apartment that held her life...It was not an easy job and to put it nicely...it was disorganized to say the least...

But something dawned on me as we were working, and as I packed away her clippings, her pictures and other items....we were doing something very important to her, and I don't mean the work...I mean the gesture that she was not forgotten...we were lending that hand that means so much to someone like her....someone like me.

Yes, a surreal week indeed.

And it wasn't over yet........

I've written before about JP Olson...a friend who lives in Hustler, Wisconsin here in Juneau County. It's too long of a story to explain how JP, a recording artist who was married to one of the Platters got here in dairyland USA...but she is, and tonight she is at a Grammy party....she is also on the Lend a Hand committee - (I told you, it's SURREAL!) ...

Anyway when she left I asked her to try to get some stars to say "Lend a Hand Juneau County" for that project I was working on.....

So, as I sit here tonight...looking on Craigslist for a cheap and used washing machine because I cannot take another year of going without one...(laundry mats will break a person...plus time to get to one is near to impossible for me)....The Lend a Hand phone rings....It's JP...she tells me she has Jewel there with her and they are trying to record her on her Blackberry saying "Lend a Hand Juneau County" ...the next thing I know she tells me that Jewel wants to say "hi"....

HUH?????????

The next thing I know Jewel is on the phone saying "Hi Eva" and then went on to say how JP has told her about me, and about Lend A Hand and how remarkable she thought it all was......

Now try to picture me sitting here in the house that is falling apart...looking at my computer screen at the ads for a used washing machine...and now trying to absorb JP being where she was and I was now speaking to Jewel -

Yeah...who'd believe this one? Surreal, I tell ya...SURREAL!

And yes, I am still absorbing it all....but something tells me I was right in my last post when I said that now Marty is up there with Daddy and our grandparents rooting on the next Woywod who refuses to quit!

It's the only way I can explain this week.....

Here is the first of what I hope to be more of promo videos for Lend a Hand (Let's see what JP brings home, LOL)

One day in Juneau County there will be a woman who was like me when all that horror entered her life...but this time she WILL have a place to go...a shelter close to home...I feel it!!!

Lou Gehrig meets his match (For Marty)

Bittersweet is a word that has so many meanings to me right now. This week I had a chance to see cousins I haven't seen in ages. I got to hug the Uncle who is and was the only living sibling of my dearly departed father. This week I was in a room filled with people I resemble - the sturdy German stock we all are, and the ones that all share that funny "how the hell do you pronounce it" last name..........and this week I paid respects to one cousin I will never see again. I will never hear him introduce me as his "only first cousin" ever again. I will never have a chance to look at him smile...and see my dad in his grin. This week I, along with many, said a final goodbye to a man who changed lives, made an impact in the battle of a disease that taunts it's victims....this week my cousin, Martin (Marty) Woywod, closed his eyes one last time at the young age of 45.

Marty leaves behind two loving parents...my Uncle George and my Aunt Kathy..

He will now always be a loving memory for 5 siblings...Mary, Debbie, Jimmy, George, and Matthew...

His wife Anne will raise their two small children (ages 7 and 5) and be able to look into their eyes and see the man she loved, and be reminded of their time together even though he will no longer be at her side...

On top of the loving family Marty has left behind.. is something that not many people do...Marty leaves behind a legacy that will continue on in his memory...awareness for and a battle against Lou Gehrig's Disease formally known as ALS.

Unfortunately I moved away from Illinois just a couple of years before Marty was diagnosed, so I wasn't able to witness firsthand all the work he did on behalf of ALS awareness. But from what I followed through the years doing Google searches, and after seeing it for my own eyes at his wake....he was an advocate that never gave up....he used his life..his own suffering..as a lesson for others, and he did so in style...with class...always with a smile and knowing the Marty I once knew...always cracking a joke to lighten the mood ..

A few examples...............

From a blog at: http://www.askaboutaimee.com/id39.html

I was diagnosed with ALS in September of 2004. In October, Jim and I attended our first Les Turner Foundation support group and met a man who would change my life.

As I struggled to make sense of a disease that could rob three small children of their mom, I listened and learned from Marty Woywod that one way to make sense of this disease was to spend the rest of my life trying to defeat it.

I vividly remember looking across the table at Marty as he talked about his public role and thinking, “I could never do that.” It didn’t take long for Marty to convince me that I had no choice but to do that.

Thank you, Marty, for your tireless efforts and for inspiring me, my family, and so many others to join the fight.

Others saw his strength and determination...his selflessness and were inspired to give back to him and his family...

From http://elitefitnessws.com/charity-challenge

The second annual Charity Challenge will be held on August 15, 2009. This year the proceeds will benefit the Woywod family. Marty Woywod is 45 years old and resides in Indian Head Park with his wife, Anne and their 2 children, Augie and Maggie. Seven years ago Marty was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. Shorty after being diagnosed Marty found he was unable to continue working. He met this adjustment by using his time to become an active advocate for ALS helping others understand and fight this progressive disease. Now confined to a wheelchair and electric bed, Marty must rely on Anne and his children to aid with his day to day needs. He can no longer play catch with Augie or hold Maggie, he can’t walk on the beach with Anne. Nonetheless, his physical limitations have not beaten his spirit. He continues to feel blessed for the gift of the time he has with his family, he continues to coach and counsel others. Despite his inspiring outlook and postive presence, financial burdens are a reality for this family.

Reaching out was his mission...

From... http://www.lesturnerals.org/pdf/ALSTodaySpring2007.pdf

Sponsored by the Parent Teacher Council of District 106, the “Hollywood Variety Show” on

January 13 and 14 featured students who danced, sang, played instruments and wowed the crowd with their many talents. The shows attracted 900 people and raised $2,500 for the Les Turner ALS Foundation. ALS patient Marty Woywod spoke to the audience about ALS and the special events and services offered by the Foundation. We thank the Woywod’s neighbor, Maureen Blaber, for nominating the Foundation as the show’s beneficiary

Marty inspired youth to think about ALS... http://www.download-document.com/ODAY_281384

“Cookbooks for a Cause” on Sale Although they are only in elementary school, third-grader Mackenzie Powell and fifth-grader Breanne Taylor fully understand the importance of helping others. With assistance from Roxanne Pasquinelli, a teacher at Longfellow Elementary School in Oak Park, the girls have compiled “Cooking for a Cause,” and are selling these cookbooks to help raise funds for the Les Turner ALS Foundation. Mackenzie created this idea after learning about her grandfather’s friend, Marty Woywod, who has been living with ALS since 2003. Cookbooks are $5 each. To order a copy, contact the Foundation office at 847-679-3311.

Always thinking about how to support others, while receiving support in return...

http://www.lesturnerals.org/pdf/summer2009.pdf

Evergreen Park Support Group

Before being diagnosed with ALS, Marty Woywod knew very little about the

disease and how it would affect his life. Since that time, he and his family

have educated themselves about the disease by researching it online,

talking with healthcare professionals and other families, and involving themselves

in support groups.

“The relationships developed in the support groups provide me and my wife with

strength,” explained Woywod. “It feels good knowing there are other people who

understand our challenges and are there to help.”

There are more examples out there on Google of the work Marty did in the name of the disease that would end up taking his young life from a family that loved him dearly.......

But...one thing I know for sure is how proud I know our grandparents and my father must have been as they watched over him from above during his journey of strength and courage...

I can hear my Grandfather saying..."Yes, that's right..we're Aus Prussians! Woywods are leaders!"

I know my father, who was very much like Marty...a man with a heart as big as it can grow, and a sense of humor that fed it.....I know he watched over Marty with a tear in his eye, and a grin on his face while saying..."Don't let anything stop ya!"

And I know they are now all together waiting to cheer on the next round of Woywod leaders who won't let any obstacle trip and keep them down.............and this time Marty will be there in the rooting section ...

Yes, while I am saddened that I never got a chance to say goodbye before he closed his eyes for the last time, I am at the same time so very proud to say..."Yup...I am proud to not have only known him, but also I am the only one who can say I was his 1st cousin!"

Rest in peace Marty..................

For more information on ALS please go to the Les Turner Foundation

2028 - Do you see it? (a follow up)

If you read my blog a couple of days ago then you will already know about 2028....if not, take a look below:



Now obviously this is a touchy subject to some, but most can agree it's one that needs to be addressed.

In the clip above you see glimpses into the 18 years after a young woman, who was obviously unprepared, gave birth to a son when she was just a child...teen...herself.

You see not just one life...but many lives spiral out of control...and you also see how it touches others in their professional careers...from teachers to police.

Keeping that in mind, I sent the press release out from the producers of the clip...which is a public service announcement...to professionals in my community who deal with the cycle of dysfunction and bad choices in their day to day life.

It was a long list ... teachers....a police chief...domestic abuse advocates...people in the district attorney's office...and others.

A wide range of people who at first may have thought this issue doesn't touch them in their professional role.

And interestingly enough I did get back some responses that said just that, or that they would pass it along to someone else.

Personally I do see the connection and I believe that clip...that public service announcement highlighted it....

A family spirals out of control....
Violence...
Police...
Depression...
Domestic Violence...
and a child growing up in it - dealing with everything else it brings....
A cycle.......a cycle that keeps going, and growing in intensity.

That fight the police breaks up...what was the core?
The poverty and fear that young mom experiences while she is gripping on to her baby..
That young boy dealing with bullies..growing up in poverty...taking all his pain with him to school...

Yes, it is an issue that touches many, and yes, while I wasn't surprised by those who said it's not something they deal with...in a way I was disappointed they didn't see the connection.

However ...there were some exceptions...

Two of them stood out to me, and below is what they had to say....

I watched the trailer of this and I was very impressed. I do believe that this needs to get out to the kids, especially in this day and age. I worry for our children today. Whether or not it is appropriate is a hard question. Most people wouldn't believe it is, but then how do we get the information out to the children. I think they really need to see the whole picture. I was considered a single mother after my divorce and that was hard enough. I have seen first hand how hard it is to take care of a baby by themselves. So I believe that this should be seen by our children today.


Thanks
Michele Mehne
Victim/Witness

I guess my comment is related to teen pregnancy prevention efforts in general. (Feel free to use my name about this.) Whenever there are efforts to prevent teen pregnancy, I feel it is vital to also be addressing rape. Many teen girls, in particular, are having unwanted sex, but perhaps not identifying it as rape due to misunderstanding about the definition of rape. They don’t understand that consent requires a freely given “yes” (no pressure, manipulation, coercion, or threats) by someone who’s judgment is not impaired (not drunk or high), and that the absence of consent with sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal, or oral) is rape. I hope that the discussion following the PSA included such information about teaching teens about sexual assault and consent and teaching them skills to intervene sexual violence, hold each other accountable for unwanted behavior, and role model healthy, respectful relationships.

Jess Ritschke
Community Education Coordinator
Hope House of South Central Wisconsin
925 Lake St./P.O. Box 557
Baraboo, WI 53913
608-356-9123
jessicar@hopehousescw.org
www.hopehousescw.org

I really appreciate both of these responses....

Someone does "see it"...the connection....

Whew!

Shaky Ground: Child Sexual Assault/Abuse

It's Wednesday, hump day...that wonderful point marking midweek and the day after deadline day at the Messenger - the day we all at the paper look forward to....our down day - the day to regroup and get ready for next week's rush. It's our Sunday -

It' the day I always say I am going to clean my house...

Do all the things I need to catch up on...

And it's usually the day I get absolutely nothing accomplished.

Today started out like every other Wednesday for me.....sleeping in - sipping coffee..news on in the background and catching up on emails I've put to the side.

Then the phone rang.......

The Lend a Hand phone rang....

It was from another organization- they had a woman there that was in need of help.

I told her I would meet her to see what help we could provide.

I never know what story I will be walking into when I go out and meet these people. Every one is so different from the last.

However something I am starting to notice...and I think I always realized this would be the case....is that so many of these people, especially the women, and I have a common bond other than being fellow human beings breathing in the same air at the same time....

Many of these women and I share that ache of being an adult survivor of child sexual assault. Perhaps many of the men I come across doing this volunteer work also share that bond, just they don't express it...

And yes, once again, today...I met another survivor.....

I don't know what it is but most of the time I see it in their eyes before they ever tell me their story - and yes, they are the ones who eventually open up to me on it and what happened. But I am starting to notice that for some reason I sense it before they ever say it.

You can see them wanting so bad to trust someone, but also so fearful and guarded at the same time....

The feeler questions go out...from them to me...I sense them watching my reactions to see if their secret can be trusted or not .... "Will she judge me?"

And once they realize that I am not there to judge - out pours the story - their nightmare....their heartache...their regrets...their pain.

I know it all too well - that internal ache that shook and cracked the foundation for the rest of their lives....mine too...

"It stays with you - all that bullshit. No matter what I do to forget it, it's always there."

Those were the words I heard from that woman today - true words indeed.

Now the interesting thing about this all is I am not there to help them with those memories...the scars left from being sexually abused as a child - I am there for their present situation to help them find a roof.....shelter from the cold harsh Wisconsin winter.

I wish I had the magic pill to provide them with shelter from the harsh winds of the past that keeps blowing them in a downward spiral of poor self esteem...and eventually into the arms of more abusers....users...which then eventually leaves them completely out in the cold.

So today I listened to this woman's story - I saw all her "facts" on why she was in the situation she was in - I sat and quietly let her vent her pain - and yes, tears came to my eyes as I remembered what that pain feels like.

I don't think I will ever be able to hear a story of a crime to a child and be able not to cry - especially one where innocence is ripped away.

As soon as I heard about her childhood everything else in her life made sense to me - other's may not see it - but it was the natural progression of the pain of an open wound that's never been cared for........the poison of abuse spread and ran through her veins -

Yes, I wish I had that magic pill to give her - the one that would mend the cracks in the foundation that child sexual assault caused -

But all I can do is tell her...show her she has worth and value by not judging her- and hope that one day she will look in the mirror and see it for herself - only then can her healing begin.

So the next time you see that "bum" or beaten...battered and worn woman - don't judge until you can say you understand the foundation they have to walk on - shaky ground causes many to fall - be kind if you see them trip...you never know just how powerful that kindness can be, even if you think it will do no good - one day it will - it has too.......

Below is a video from Let Go, Let Peace Come In - it marks an anniversary for the foundation whose goal is to help provide therapy to adult survivors of child sexual assault - each picture represents a lifetime of struggles ...pain...and a road towards healing - but most of all each picture also represents a survivor reaching out to others in hopes they will find that common bond and know they have value and worth - it's that kindness to a stranger.......

2028 - Can you handle it?

I ask that you view the following video before you read this post. The video is a new release that I believe will leave you breathless - have you wondering what has become of our society that a movie such as this needs to be made.

If you are like me perhaps you were thinking that you were viewing a trailer to a new film; a suspenseful drama.

If you were like me then perhaps you were left with mixed emotions....and if you are like me, then you're a parent of a teen wondering just how seeing something like that video would impact their life.

To me it's shocking that a message, like in the above PSA sends needs to be so gritty....so fatalistic. But then why shouldn't it? The more that I digested the message contained in it I realized that we too often try to sugar coat the world from our children....that "Just say no" approach that many of us grew up listening to. And if that is the case, then we should realize that a sweet and innocent approach to a real and often times spiral downwards life situation, needs to be addressed for what it is.

After all, isn't that why I write this blog? To give a glimpse into the life of a woman who has been a victim of abuse....walked a horror story of my own?

While I was never a teen mom I was once that mixed up teen. I made bad choices, and have since paid the price for them.

Now as I write that I think of my children, my boys, and my gut tells me the love I have for them, and their presence in my life keeps me going....so then should any message about a child coming into this world ever be considered a life sentence? That horror story?

But then I know timing is everything, and this PSA isn't saying a newborn is bad or a life sentence but rather being an unprepared teen parent is.

That was the internal debate I've had since watching this clip last night.

After much consideration I showed it to my children, Justin age 16 and then Kyle age 11.

Now please remember that Justin has learning disabilities and sees the world in very black and white terms...there are no gray areas with Justin. It's either right...or it's wrong...period!

His comments as the clip played were..:

Hey cool, looks like a new movie...

Is it a horror flick...?

What the hell?

What the hell is this?

(and once the clip was over)

Dumb asses...... that's why you wear a condom!

Now since I am very open with both my boys, I did show it to my 11yr old, Kyle - his comments were....

What is this Mom?

Oh I get it....it's a movie about the world ending -

Huh?

Mom, what did all that mean?

I think the two different reactions is very telling on just how teens and pre-teens would digest this PSA. I was more than thankful that Justin realized what the message was all about in his matter of fact response about wearing condoms....

But, even more so, I welcomed the opportunity to have an open and frank discussion with Kyle. He may be 11 now but before I know it he will be Justin's age....and unlike Justin, with Kyle, the world IS gray.

According to the email I received about this PSA is that the producers of it wanted to do exactly what my children first thought....trick teens into thinking they were watching a trailer for a new movie. And there is no doubt it's well made and grabs their attention as was evident by my children while they watched it.

The PSA was just released this week here in Wisconsin and was made to address the alarming and often glamorized teen pregnancy rates .

To follow is the press release from the organization who started this campaign....better to hear why they did from them and in their own words and I ask that after you see the clip, and read the following....please leave a comment and let me know how you feel about this PSA.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FAKE MOVIE PROMOTION PUNKS TEENS

2028 “movie” addresses harsh realities of teen pregnancy

MILWAUKEE (Jan. 15, 2009) - Teens in Milwaukee have been buzzing for weeks about a new movie with a surprise ending which premiered in Milwaukee theaters on January 15. The so-called “movie,” 2028, is described as a psychological suspense thriller about a young girl whose life spirals out of control after learning about a family secret. The movie’s Wikipedia, Facebook and MySpace pages claim that it is based on a true story and features a controversial twist for an ending.

“We know that teens aren’t waiting for the next message telling them to not get pregnant,” explains Serve Founder Gary Mueller. “We need to catch them by surprise. Sometimes even to punk them into receiving a message that they don’t necessarily want to hear. We are competing with Hollywood’s positive portrayal of teen pregnancy, so we thought what better way than create our own movie.”

On January 15, Milwaukee teens learned the truth. The 2028 movie isn’t real - but the twist is. The fake flick, complete with official movie trailers, theater posters, outdoor, radio ads, web banners, soundtrack, giveaways and a website is really a PSA about teen pregnancy in disguise. And when teens see the movie trailer for 2028, they will get the message that if they become pregnant as a teen today, the next 18 years of their life will never be the same. The elaborate hoax all focuses on sending teens a message about the harsh realities of teen pregnancy, which for some teens, stands in stark contrast to Hollywood’s often positive portrayal of teen pregnancy.

The bold effort, which is part of a long-running series of provocative communication tactics targeted to change teens’ perceptions about teen pregnancy in Milwaukee, was created by Serve Marketing in partnership with the United Way of Greater Milwaukee. Milwaukee ranks 7th in the nation for births to teens and although sometimes controversial, ongoing Serve/United Way education efforts seem to be working as the City of Milwaukee Health Department recently announced that the city’s teen birth rate dropped for the second year in a row (a 10 percent decrease overall).

The official 2028 website is www.2028movie.com. In addition, the new trailer on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbwNX_KdNfI connects kids to www.babycanwait.com and its vital resources, providing information to help prevent teen pregnancy and promote healthy relationships. People are also encouraged to become fans of 2028 on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/2028/227813870565?ref=ts

About Serve

Serve is a nonprofit advertising agency whose mission is to give underserved charitable causes a stronger voice in the community. Since 2002, Serve has helped create behavior-changing marketing campaigns for over 30 non-profits, both locally and nationally, on issues ranging from teen homelessness, child sexual violence and shaken baby syndrome to teen pregnancy, ovarian cancer and gun violence. To date, Serve has donated over $11 million of in-kind creative, media, web, pr and strategic planning services to non-profits, in an effort to raise their profile and increase their impact in ours and other local communities.

# # #

Cool Beans! This does work!

Every so often I hear from some of the sites I link to in this blog. Today was one of those days...I heard from Let Go Let Peace Come In - they emailed out their Google reports showing where visitors to their site come from....what city..what country...or where they clicked a link on another site...

Often I wonder if the people visiting this blog are among the crowd I am trying to reach. I can see where you come from, when you visit but unless you leave a comment I don't know if anything on my blog actually touches you - HOWEVER - reports like the one I got today from Let Go Let Peace Come In tells me that the people...readers...visiting this site are the people I am trying to reach because they are reaching out to other like sites from mine....

COOL BEANS!!!!!

This is what I saw today that has me just bursting..........

This is an excerpt from their report dating back to last Feb....they've been linked on my site since around last May or June...

Our site is most visited through direct links (39% of the traffic). Google was used to search for our site 811 times (14%) while 26% of site traffic was generated via links in e-mails. We are survivors has produced 152 visits (3%) , RAD Online has produced 95 visits (2%), Facebook has 317 visits (5%), NAPAC has 166 visits (3%), and the Chewed Up and Spat Out blog has 136 visits (3%). The other 5% of visits are comprised from smaller blog sites and news venues. We have also started to see some search activity generated by the Bing search engine; 69 visits.

Just thought I would share with you all that none of us are alone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey - drop a line every so often so that I know that too!

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Eva Marie Speaks!

Yes, a new endeavor for me - those of you who know me know that I speak..and a hell of a lot to boot - but this is different - I am finally taking some steps towards an idea I've toyed with for the last year or so.....promoting myself as a motivational/public speaker on how to go beyond surviving and towards living rather than existing.

Wow!! That was a mouth full!

Click the link above and see my new site in which I have just created last night into today.

Now, when I look at it I will sometime think to myself..."Just who in the hell do you think you are?"

A year ago that thought would have had me second guessing everything I did...and wanted to do - but now I can answer it..

I am a survivor that knows life will in fact throw curve balls....

In knowing that I also realize I am going to make wrong choices....missteps...yes, I am going to screw up from time to time..

But the difference between yesterday (figuratively - of course) and today is I know how to be kind to myself when that does happen...

I don't beat myself up like I once did...

I can see the lesson in my errors, as well as my accomplishments...

And most importantly....

When I screw up now - I can look in the mirror and appreciate the woman smiling back at me -

A long road indeed has gotten me to this point.

I can remember a time when I thought being a survivor meant you didn't have sad days...you didn't ache with memories of yesterday....and you were able to only see tomorrows and never yesterdays....

Today I know that is not the case...

It's about balance, and loving oneself....forgiving oneself..and appreciating that you, like everyone else on this Earth, is human - perfectly flawed.

It's coming to terms with the demons that have kept you down....

It's knowing that no matter what, YOU CAN BOUNCE BACK STRONGER!!!

Yes, a survivor is still vulnerable to the scars of the past - we just know when and where to place that extra care when it surfaces.........

And then if you find some humor in it all - you know you are living.....

So yes...I do think I have what it takes to be that speaker on the issues that many of us keep hidden from view...

I've done public speaking in the past.......many many times in fact - but it was on things like disability laws in regards to public education....parent's rights...student's rights....the telling of other people's stories and experiences....

Well now it's my turn...

I am in the driver's seat.............

Get ready world...........

Eva Marie Speaks!

Disgruntled ramblings

It's only Thursday and I am more than ready for this week to be over and done with as you will soon tell by my disgruntle ramblings below

It's been one of those exceedingly busy weeks, which is good for the most part because that means I am living...working..doing the things I enjoy...but it just so happens that this week has also been one that I witnessed people go through extreme pain...moment of crisis in their lives.

And the world keeps going on.........

Others that should care....don't.....

Blind eyes turned......

This post may not make sense to some people as I have to be watchful of the details I give out - but to others the message should be clear.

GROW UP!

Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're out to get you...

Just because you cannot stand the presence of another and their beliefs doesn't mean you should be able to twist things, lie...gang up...and attempt to ostracize while ruining their future hopes..

Voice your opinions...

Dislike them if you want...

Take action if you have a cause to speak up for...speak out ...but don't make it up as you go for the sole purpose of harming another because they don't fit into your circle of like minded friends or fools..whatever the case may be.

Be an adult - live by that Golden Rule so many claim to carry close to their hearts.

Mistakes happen.....

We're all human...but remember that when you make that choice to stand on your pedestal - because that pedestal is not on a firm foundation - it's your fears that hold it up - own those not the reactions your own pain causes you.

As I write this I myself must look deep within and question if the action I could take upon someone is because it will end a injustice and be preventative in nature- or is it because someone just pisses me off.....time will tell. What would be my motivation?

Yes....can you tell I am disgruntled right now..

But even more so I am disappointed in people I thought I once knew....

I guess that's what happens when you realize a once friend is now a distant acquaintance... a realization I had after coming to terms with the fact I never did know them well .....

I wish I could speak about the details that have created these thoughts in me..but I can't because writing them all out..disclosing them would just add more pain to the picture....

And then there was yesterday......

Yesterday I was present to watch an event that will forever stay with me...

I watched an older woman cling onto the one thing she had left in this world, her pride.

Alone - ill - no money - blind in one eye..sight failing in the other...she was being evicted from the one thing she thought she had left - her home.

It was one of the most saddest and tragic events I have ever witnessed.

Fighting tooth and nail .... lashing out at people there who were trying to help ...she actively and openly took a walk down memory lane and all the things and people she had lost in her accomplished life.

A woman whose intelligence was so strong that it worked against her as she went about debating swallowing that pride ...

A scientist and writer she once was....the caretaker for her family that throughout the years she forgot to care for herself and her own needs...never married...no children....and now that home was being forced out from under her.

My heart went out to her as she fought tooth and nail...

The world and life can at times seem so cruel...unbearable in fact.

Steps backward cannot be taken - she will never have those children....she will never get back that time spent caring for others but not herself and her own needs...and now...today...that memory of yesterday will be on her mind.

So sad....

So tragic...

And just one story...from one life's past.........her past impacts my future...

We are all connected....respect that even if you don't care for the connection.........

The Messenger

The Messenger of Juneau County - is more than just my employer, the people there have been now in my world for over three years, they are my co-workers and most importantly among the closest friends I have here in Wisconsin.

Sure you've heard me moan about that pay I get as a part time reporter, but what I haven't really explained is I love my job - and everything that comes with it. And no...this is not a lame attempt of kissing up to my editor...really.

It's more than just a job - it's an experience...something that has touched my life in so many ways. I mean really.. how cool is it to get paid to go to just about everything that happens in our rural community?

It' also been a life saver for me as a single mom. I do all of my writing from my home which allows me to be here for my kids, and if and when possible again, work another job at the same time. Plus many of those events I have to cover, the kids often come with me - had I not been in this position there's no way I would be able to take them to all these things .....plus for my youngest, Kyle, .."Mom is cool...she's a reporter" - there's nothing like that feeling when your children are actually proud of you and what you do...

Now picture if you can a small county...rural county in the middle of Wisconsin's rolling hills. We are the destination for Chicagoans, and wanderers from Minnesota....we are what they call an "outdoor playground"...fishing, camping, hunting, horse back riding, snow mobile riding in the winter are just some of the many things you can do while exploring this county.

With only around somewhere in the number of 24, 000 people or so living here in Juneau County, you can also imagine just how tight knit of an area it is...it has to be. Coming from living in the Chicago area I still have a hard time "slowing down" and getting use to the fact EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE, or...will be related somehow in the near future.

Mayberry with a twist I often say....so...then...imagine what it is like covering the news here...the news beyond those community events.

There's no way you can hide from it....one day you know the article you write will anger a friend...you know that when you're doing weekly shopping people will comment on something...you know that - it's a given. There's no hiding from it.

I go through extra pains every time it's one of those to make sure I was as impartial as possible in presenting the facts...ask my editor she knows..."Betty make sure you read it carefully, and tell me if it was fair? I gave equal time, equal opportunity, right?" I drive her nuts during campaign season.

When I tell other people who are not from here, what I do, they picture in their mind's eye a glamorous job.." A reporter? Wow!"

It makes me laugh every time.

No, really, it does.

Because I know. I know the steps that lead to this job...I know just how unglamorous I am when I am sitting in my house ...still in my jammies...typing away at those articles. I know just how stressful Tuesdays are...that dreaded deadline day...

But I also know how I love every minute of it..

Especially my little family at the Messenger - combining where we live and work, along with the people in our lives, there is never a dull moment. I've often said that one day I am going to write it all out and submit it to some producer for a sitcom.

In it I picture the Messenger office being the hub...the heartbeat of the story...and then all the offshoot stories coming out of that, from things we cover in this community to our own little dysfunctional family - Twin Peaks meets Walton's Mountain?

Perhaps one day..........

But one thing I can say, I am proud to be in that little family at the Messenger -

In a time when print media are taking financial hits left and right - closing their doors with headlines proclaiming "Final Issue" - we've stayed afloat and have survived.

Sure, it's been tough...

Some weeks there may be a few less pages than usual...

But we've remained.......

This small giant here in Juneau County has become more than just a newspaper, but more so an example...and example on how when people pull together...6 to be exact (yes just 6 of us make sure the paper gets out) ....anything is possible.

Six employees where three are actually owners brings hometown news to the residents here in Juneau County. Much like the Messenger being an independent paper, all 6 of us are just as independent and determined to keep it going in tough times..

There's Bill - the founder...a proud man whose entire life has been dedicated to news. The Messenger is his life, and like me, his family. It's what gets him up every morning, and most likely the last thing he thinks about when he lays his head down at night -his documented legacy that I am sure keeps this older man's heart beating.

Then Betty - owner and my editor fellow reporter and friend. Don't let her height and that blond hair fool ya - even though my little Kyle is taller, she will stand her ground when it comes to her passion - the paper and the news - A night owl like myself - we "get it" ...dig dig dig...go after that story and present the facts! Plus have some really interesting lat night conversations that only we "get".

Ahh..Dianna - owner, advertising sales, friend and p/t reporter - Another beautiful woman who has fiery red hair and in her heels towers over most men. Like me she ended up at the Messenger by happenstance. Dianna has a very common sense approach to everything, and has really surprised some...including herself...on just how good she is at what she does - plus she has one hell of a sense of humor - she can keep up with my life....all the things none of you know about...and still calls me friend, haha!

Betty, Dianna and I cover one side of the county while Eileen, Bill and Michelle cover the other side...

Eileen - advertising sales and reporter - This woman cracks me up. Literally...to know Eileen is to love Eileen. Like me she tends to get emotionally involved in some of the things she covers...she calls it "warm and fuzzy writing" - and I swear she has the most hits for driving and hitting deer..... Plus, and this is a big one, GIVE HER DETAILED DIRECTIONS TO WHERE SHE IS GOING....provide an escort if possible (love ya Eileen!) or send the search party and tell them to use the trail of deer hits as their guide. Seriously though this woman has a personalty that is so very appealing...she's real and is one of the main reasons the paper has survived through tough times...she's our bulldog when it comes to advertising sales.

Michelle - too many hats to count - Keeps that office I never go into going. She has absolutely no problem in working into the late evening hours if needed to get the paper out. She is the "happy" voice people hear when they call the Messenger - and is the one that can create ads that outdo most marketing professionals.

So there you have it...my co-workers who are so much more than people I work with....

And please know, YES, you too can buy a subscription of the Messenger - unfortunately the best story there is...the behind the scenes one...is just for us 6.....for now that is ;-)