Face value - where'd it go?

There's no hiding it, I struggle with the issue of trust.

I tend to trust people on their word, and then it happens...I get hurt.

So I get it when people are always looking beyond the person in front of them and searching for an ulterior motive. I understand the whys involved....the motivation behind the doubt.

But c'mon folks, we've turned into a society where every move ...every word...every aspect of a person is scrutinized...anaylzed...picked apart, and it's disgusting - it's harmful -it's destructive to all involved.

There no longer appears to be a healthy middle ground.

Was there ever one?

Am I just waking to this?

To trust or not to trust....yes, that is the question...

How can you kinda trust?

When a dollar bill is no longer worth the paper it is written on...then is it no wonder "face value" is a term of the past?

There are people who trust......

Then there are people who don't....

Who are the people in-between......?

I do know none of us are perfect...

We're all, at one point, going to screw up...

Sound hypocritical...

Unintentionally hurt someone...

and unfortunately lie...whether it's a little white one, or a whopper of one...

That's part of being human, that's part of growth...

But the people who confuse me the most are the ones who pretend to be that trusting person...the ones who on the surface befriends...smiles...and at the same time scrutinize and judge based on their own fears and insecurities- and then those false judgments turn into their instructional manual on how to delve deeper without even knowing they are doing it..

Face value no longer means anything...not even the value of the face staring back in the mirror.

Were they once like me? Someone who tends to trust and then gets hurt?

Well those are my thoughts for the day as I sip my coffee this morning...

A message I fully endorse.......if you can decipher it for what it is...on it's surface...........

And no, I have no intentions nor aspirations of EVER running for office......

A mile in her shoes..........

I love these Walk a Mile in Her Shoes events!!!!

\


October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!

Lend A Hand!

My New Cause!!

Lend A Hand!
Mission Statement-

Lend a Hand's mission is to assist and strengthen the Juneau County Community by addressing the needs of limited income individuals and families, aiding them to become self-sufficient, and creating public awareness and education while serving as a resource to those touched by unexpected emergencies as they cope with housing uncertainty.


Your tax deductible donation can be sent to:

Lend A Hand
203 Milwaukee St.
Mauston, WI. 53948


In one week's time we went from a group of people coming together over an issue that touches our community; homelessness - to - a budding organization with a name that say's it all - Lend A Hand. It was at tonight's (10/08/09) steering committee meeting the name was chosen and a mission statement was agreed upon. Additionally, it was agreed that the Juneau County Peace Committee will act as our fiscal sponsor which allow us to take in those tax deductible donations and move forward in meeting our fellow neighbor's needs in Juneau County this winter season and beyond.

Donations have already started to roll in, $250.00, to be exact....and needless to say it's a good start in filling that bucket that will one day, hopefully, provide shelter to all in Juneau County who need it.

The steering committee will meet again on October 15th at the Fountain Chateau in Hustler. Our goal for the next meeting will be strategic planning....and walking out with a plan and criteria so that the funds we raise can go to immediate and good use as soon as possible - We aim to be that extra blanket of warmth so that no person, no child, wakes up in the shivering cold outside.

Help us in spreading the word - we're all in this together, and Lend A Hand!

For more information you can contact Eva Marie Woywod at learning2bfree@aol.com.

"It's not because of who they are....

"....it's because of who I am."

Those were the words of Lois Lawton from the Juneau County Peace Committee when I approached them just a couple of weeks ago and asked that they agree to be an umbrella organization for group...an emergency fund...I was trying to start to help the homeless and those about to be homeless in our county...Juneau County, Wisconsin.

It was when I explained some of the hurdles I had already came across in forming the group, that Lois turned to me and told me...."You tell them this...It's not because of who they are, it's because of who I am," as to the reason I am walking down this path...on this endeavor.

Like women who leave abusive relationships, or victims of sexual assault..for those who are living in poverty...there are stereo-types and stigmas they must deal with in their every day world. Ones that eat away at their own self esteem and dignity they have left.

In venturing down this path to start this group and emergency fund I've run head on into those stereo-types.... "Those people use the system."......."They want everything for free and they don't want to work."......."If they can afford cigarettes and beer then they don't need my help!"....etc...etc...etc...

I will agree there are some out there who have learned how to manipulate the system of help but for every one that is like that, there is someone like me; someone so embarrassed and fighting to keep their dignity that when they do reach out for help it's a last ditch effort to survive.

Would I have realized this 10 years ago?

Probably not, back then I thought I was a happily married stay at home mom whose most trying concern was what I would make for dinner that night or where we would go on vacation that year.....

Life happens......

Things change.....

So do perceptions....

So have I.

Now as a single divorced mom raising two sons without child support living on an income from a part time writing job and partial unemployment....one who is also on the path to healing from a marriage ending in abuse and sexual assault....I see the world through different eyes.

I know what it is like to want to escape an abusive home only to have no where to go.

I know what it is like when a three dollar mistake in my checking account results in over 100 dollars in bank charges for bounced checks....a month or more of bills not being paid because of that one 3 dollar mistake and having to pay 6 weeks of catch up to make up for it.....

I know what it is like to work a full time job plus a part time job spending more than 12 hours away from my children who need their only parent...their mother...and still not be able to make ends meat...

I know what it is like to have to pile on the blankets in late September when the temp at night gets down in the 30's and 40's but I cannot yet even imagine turning on the furnace because I need to save money for when it's "really" cold out.

I know what it is like to tell my son he has to wait a couple of weeks for a new pair of shoes...or why I can't afford to take part in his fund raiser at school....

I know what it is like to plan that once a month trip to my food pantry to help fill our pantry at home....

I know what is like to be part of my community and feel so alone because I don't "look" like someone who would be struggling....after all I work.

So, yes, I know there are many more out there like me who go to bed wondering if and when I will lose the roof over my and my children's heads.....and then what?? Where would we go???

Yes, now I see the world through eyes I didn't have 10 years ago .....

Lois was correct...I am not doing this because of who they are, I am doing this because of who I am.

But really this isn't about me....it's about our community...people....humanity.

Sooooooooo.....

The group is forming.....

We had our first meeting just this past Thursday...

I had no idea how many people would show up to it. I had done some articles for the paper highlighting the need, and about the group forming.....

I spent the day worried that no one would show up or it would be just a handful of my friends...

Imagine my surprise when strangers started filing into the community room at my local library...

Tears came to my eyes....

It was a HALLMARK HALL OF FAME MOMENT!!!

24 people plus my 2 sons making it 26 people came together for that first meeting, and they were from all over my county. AMAZING!!! Please remember this is a small VERY rural county and one ridden with poverty.

Again....yes, once again I was reminded..."Everything does happen for a reason!"

You see....earlier this week I was feeling overwhelmed with my situation yet once again. Winter is coming, and I am scared for the kids and I of what it has in store for us. The thought of yet another harsh winter and struggling yet another year really got to me - but since that meeting on Thursday evening hope is once again in my heart.....hope that shows people do still care about one another....people are willing to come together for strangers..and that together we CAN make a difference....

The Juneau County Peace Committee graciously agreed to be that umbrella organization for us so that we can start an emergency fund to help families and individuals in need....especially for this winter.....

A winter that is fast approaching.....

Yesterday and this morning I created the following video to help in an effort to raise funds....

I believe it's a moving piece and one that will leave you with the sense of just how overwhelming it is for people in such a situation....there's no sugar coating it.

In it is my own fears....my emotions of when things get out of control and a person is caught up in that spiral of chaos and financial nightmares...

I ask you to view it....

And if you are so moved to please make a donation ...

If my blog has ever inspired you, I ask again to please make a donation to our emergency fund...

Please help me in helping my community.....

Donations can be sent to:

Juneau County Peace Committee

203 Milwaukee Street

Mauston, WI. 53948

Indicate that the donation is for the "Homeless Fund"

Thank you!!!

My Be A Voice Project: Work in Progress

If you want to know what that picture above is about, then please read my last post here. I have never considered myself an artist. Even the stick people I draw look pathetic. However using words is a form of art for me. Those words convey emotions much like the strokes of a painter's brush.

This piece is a work in progress. I am not sure if I am happy with it yet...the perfectionist in me at work. I did notice that when I sat down to create something, I was unable to convey the emotions of the pain when living in a domestic violent situation without also conveying the beauty of finding your way out. That must mean something ...deep in me...I must still have hope no matter how hard things are....

Anyway....there's my work in progress......all mine....

Broken Beautiful - Be A Voice Challenge

Earlier this week I was doing what I usually do to waste time when I should be working and writing articles for deadline day. When the words don't find their way to my finger tips sometimes I need to divert my attention for a while and not try to force them out - so - that's what I was doing when I ran across an article about a woman, a survivor of domestic violence, who was using her gifts of survival along with her talent to reach out to others and bring awareness.

When I opened up the page that contained the article immediately my eyes were drawn to the picture that accompanied the article....a picture that contained an image that struck me to the core - it was a painting of a beautiful butterfly - a colorful and full of life image however what got me was the slash marks that tore at - violence that may have tried to take away from it's beauty actually added to it. That image called to me and summed up so many emotions that I walk my life feeling every day.

Needless to say I had to read every word of the article rather than just scan it. I needed to know who painted that picture, and why it was slashed - I needed to know why I felt that bond.

And that's when I learned about the artist....the survivor...Michelle Johnson Major.

Michelle, like so many, had her world shattered when domestic violence entered her life ending with her husband, the man she loved....the man who was the father of the infant her womb carried, tried to kill her. To end her life, and the baby that grew within. It was also during that attack that he took a knife to her paintings and slashed them.

Michelle survived the attempted murder....so did the child....

But what is even more inspiring is that Michelle's road to recovery is one that uses the reminders of that day to reach out to others. I do not want to tell her story and her reason for this path....that belongs to her and you can read about it here.... Be A Voice Arts.

After reading about her and what she was doing I befriended her on Facebook, and she asked me to share with everyone a challenge ...the I Have A Voice Challenge...

In her words, and from her site she explains what that challenge is below....

I plan on taking part of the challenge....will you?

Visit the link below for more details....

I HAVE A VOICE!

My creative vision for these ATC's is this:

I want to create a work of art where the cards hang on my wedding dress as an interactive gallery piece. The reason I am creating this wedding VOICE piece comes as an outcropping of a painting I did called "Til Death". 'Til Death' is a painting of me as a bride, tortured and hopeless, with 'X's" over the mouth to symbolize the secret and shame and inability to speak up during a relationship of abuse. After viewing that portrait, one would think that my wedding dress would be a symbol of the loss of hopes and dreams for a marriage and a future, yet in actuality, the dress will be transformed to symbolize the literal artistic VOICES that have come together as one to "Speak Up Against Domestic Violence". I want to hang all the submitted cards from the dress skirt and viewers can come up, turn the cards over in their hands, move around the piece and experience the "Voices!" I am hoping to generate enough response to fill up the skirt. I think it will be a very powerful piece and full of hope!
Help me fill the dress with YOUR artistic voice.


You may save a life!

Forever shine,
Michelle

Monday morning growth - surviving

No matter how far I think I've come in my road to healing there are still days...moments in my life where the pains of the past surface. When something triggers those emotions and memories I will often find that I get inpatient with myself, angry at myself for allowing them to be felt.

"You should be beyond this"

Is the thought that will replay over and over in my head. Then the debate will begin - The inner turmoil - the whirlwind of emotions ...however there is beauty after a storm.

Perhaps each time something triggers those emotions and memories I am discovering new aspects of me and it is yet another step up on my foundation of healing. This past week I had one of those moments...

Something I think each of us need to keep in mind while we are on this path of healing and surviving is that no one can write our story but ourselves...meaning we all will have different recovery periods...different aspects to our healing and need to take comfort in that while I may not require what you need...nor you, I....we can rejoice in the knowledge that together we support one another in the journey.

I say that because I see, and have heard so many comments from other survivors that compare one to another....

"I wish I had your strength"

"Tell me what to do so I can be like you"

"My story isn't as bad as yours" .....etc..etc..etc...

Like the image in the mirror, each of us are unique - please keep that in mind as you wander site after site...join group after group...and read story after story.... take what you can from each but never allow yourself to dimminish your own path...the one you walked, and the one you are heading down.

This is something I had to remind myself of as triggers once again opened up emotions that needed to be felt and rather than just allowing those emotions to flow, I fought them - eventually, as emotions will always do, they won the battle and they came out....

For me I find that there are times when I find myself writing poetry that just seems to flow out of me....words that are relaying emotions that need attention - I've often found that when this happens it's the ones that I have tried to ignore or discount because they are not "positive" but rather reflect pain - self doubt - and what I would at times label against my own best interest...weakness.

Yes, I am still so very hard on myself....still learning how to forgive myself unconditionally for being human.

"You're a rock!"

Is something I've heard many times throughout my life....

I use to fight against hearing that....I actually hated hearing that because I thought it meant I could handle anything, and in a way I felt that was unfair for others to think that about me....I shouldn't have to handle anything just because they saw me as a rock.

Sipping my coffee this morning a thought entered my head...

A thought about what is beyond the hard surface of a rock..........

Bits and pieces of the past...piled and compressed together.....weak and small should they need to stand alone....but together well rounded, and strong.

So yes, I am a rock.

And last week I had a moment where I needed to get out something in me...self doubt...and I did so once again in a poem. I sat down at my computer and the words just flowed....

It's been a very long time since that has happened, so I must have been overdue.....

When you read this piece you will see the self doubt....the fear...the sadness...that was in me.

But, like that rock, it's just a small part of the larger picture -

Something I need to remind myself of the next time a part of me surfaces that I may not like how it looks..................

Doubt

Maybe he, my ex, was right
Without him there IS just plight
Being..living.. free was my fight
Struggles have taken my might

Pretty young face I may look
Sad stories, heartbreak is my book
Innocence, dreams and goals they took
They've gutted me with their evil hooks

How much ache can one soul take?
Lovers and friends have been mainly all fake
Everyday the pain I attempt to shake
God, please God, I need just one break

Man's hand on a child, I feel the burn
Over and over, they took their disgusting turn
Memories and lessons causing stomachs to churn
My education, my body is theirs I learned

Emotional rape was the battle for my mind
Why? I was the good girl, always kind
I held on to the map, a treasure I wanted to find
A dingy dark trail I walked determined but blind

Into a marriage, decades long of a shame
I never wanted riches, never wanted fame
Everything went wrong, and always I was to blame
Sexual assault extinguishing love's flame

Now children looking to and counting on me
Alone in a cold world I am to be
Everywhere I look, struggles is what I see
For being born - are these my dues...life's fee?

The Rural Unseen

Three years ago I did an article for the paper on being homeless in Juneau County. Like now, when I wrote it, winter was on the verge of blowing in and jobs were scarce. Also, like then, the homeless in my rural county were the "unseen."

In the larger metro area homeless are seen. They huddle in the alley and doorways - they gather at shelters and there is a visual reminder to others in their community that they exist along with them in their world.

Being homeless in a rural area creates a different picture. The homeless are often hidden. They double....triple up in homes, or apartments spending a few nights at a time at one to venture on to another a few nights or weeks later.

Deep in the woods or at isolated and forgotten farms and campgrounds they set up a make shift community.

Out of sight....out of mind.

I must admit that since I wrote that article and the time that had passed the further their plight was from my mind....until.......

Until a few weeks ago when I received a call from a friend who no longer lives in the area. A friend that was trying to help someone who did still live here....someone who was about to become homeless.

She called me to see what resources I knew of in the county that would offer assistance and shelter to the person she was trying to help. I pulled out that file that was inside of my head, and contacted a couple of the sources I had used for that article three years ago.

Now one would think that since our economy has worsened since I wrote that article there would still be those resources out there to offer assistance.....well....you would think that, huh?

While some were still in fact around, they have been stretched beyond capacity - and then some were no longer able to be found.

How can that be?

Out of sight.......out of mind?

Eventually my friend's friend was able to find help.....we think....

But what about the others out there....???

Winter is coming......unemployment has increased once again.....and foreclosures in my county have risen 4% over the last quarter......

Time for another article...but beyond that is time for action (hopefully it's not too late for some)

Friday I ventured out and contacted some people who've worked very hard on this issue here and who unfortunately ran up against political barriers in the process....

I asked them to point me to a place where I could find a visual...a picture...to go with the article I was going to right, and one that can be used to hopefully motivate others to action..

I was pointed in the direction of a free campground ...one that is literally out in the middle of nowhere...so that's where I headed and headed keeping in mind the warnings to "be careful" as there are some "unsavory" characters out there.

As I ventured into the area of my destination so many thoughts went through my head....

"If life stays on the track we're on now, this could be a reality for the kids and I...."

And it was about the time I was thinking that when I saw something that broke my heart...I found what I was looking for....the unseen.

Small compounds consisting of tents and old beat up trailers.....

Outside living areas with couches and chairs set up around fire pits....

Children's toys strewn about........

Not hardly a soul around...because...they were out working. Adding to the horror and tragedy of the picture is many of the homeless in rural America, work. They work jobs that provide just enough pay for gas, and maybe food.....not shelter.

To say it broke my heart to see all of this up close and personal would be an understatement.....

All I kept thinking was Wisconsin's cold and bitterly brutal winter is coming....the thought chilled me to the bone....

Today, Sunday, I will be heading back out to this makeshift community in hope I can find someone to speak with and interview for my article - A voice that will hopefully motivate others into action and a new group that is in the works of forming will be provided with the desires of many and provide a new resource in our community so that hopefully by Christmas every child in our community can wake up under a roof in a warm building.... and so they can have a warm smile when they see a gift under the tree rather than shivering away a brutal winter's day.

Wishful thinking?

Dental HEADACHES!!!!

I am so very frustrated...

Pissed off angry!

I am just not sure where to point that anger at the moment.

Justin, my 16 yr old, has some severe orthodontic needs...

Extra teeth, bite out of alignment, and according to his doctor, this now can be considered a medical need and covered by insurance. We are on the Wisconsin Badger Care plan because of our financial situation....like many here in Wisconsin are.

All summer his doctor office, and I have been calling around trying to find an orthodontist that will 1: accept our insurance and 2: is accepting new patients....call after call to no avail.

Now let me take you back a few months when we were at the doctors office for his regular check-up. Justin, my eldest son, has always been incredibly self conscious about his appearance. This stems from years of being bullied in the public school system for his mild cerebral palsy that really only becomes obvious to others when doing physical activities like running, climbing and other forms of sports. Yes, kids are cruel.

Since that time Justin has been EXTRA aware of his appearance and how others see him. It's been years upon years of trying to erase damage that bullies can do to a child that sees life in black and white...no grey. He has made strides in rebuilding his self esteem....and then...yes, and then came adolescence and the dreaded teen years. Along with that came his once beautifully straight smile turning into a controlled frown hiding the newly crooked alignment of his teeth.

Now he only freely laughs at home and only when it's in front of Kyle and/or me.

He's afraid to approach new people out of fear of what look will be on their face when they see his teeth.

So, imagine his excitement when this past spring, his doctor told him he could have his teeth fixed and insurance would cover it. My son's face lit up...he smiled freely at the thought.

Then came time for the referral.........

"We will call you when we find an orthodontist to write the referral to," were the words we heard when we walked out of the doctor's office that day....words of hope.

One month later...

"We haven't found anyone yet...maybe you can call around too."


Two months later....

"Did you have any luck?"

Three months later......

"Mom, see...I will have to live with this for the rest of my life..."

Four months later.....

"Justin, I think I found someone..their website says they accept most insurances..."

Then the call was made....

"I'm sorry Justin, they do accept our insurance but we are out of their intake area and therefore we don't meet their criteria..."

Back to square one....

Back to looking at my son's frown....

Yes....

I am frustrated!

Pissed off angry!

The next step is to check the Milwaukee area....at least a 2 hour drive....and my car is on it's last leg..........

UGH!

Worth a thousand words

Sunset - This is the sight I drove towards yesterday evening as I was returning from a full day out wandering my county and taking pictures of community events for the paper.

I may complain about how little I make at my part time paper job, but there is one thing I can honestly say about it - it's days like yesterday...wandering about...talking with people...learning about future, past and present through their eyes..and then being trusted to share it all with others - it truly makes for a full life of living, rather than just existing.....

Here is a glimpse into my day yesterday....




The day started with a trip over to the Labor Day Fly-In at the Mauston-New Lisbon Airport..an annual event that always gathers a crowd - A little airport nestled between corn fields comes alive with planes, an auto show, vendors and much more..




planes

Kyle drooling over cars...


Community coming together...

Next on my list to cover was the 2nd Annual Potluck at Stewarts Chapel ..just outside of Mauston ...again, in the middle of farms and cornfields. Going to this event for the Juneau County Historical Society always is like stepping back into time..many of the people who attend have lived in the area their entire lives, and have ancestors who built the area into what it is...many stories...many memories..and what Justin loves most about the event - lots of free food!



Rich in history...





Just imagine how many stories are contained within those walls..


Memories shared....



Food expressing the sense of community....



Simple beauty of the past...


After taking my leave from the potluck I returned home for a bit and then headed out later in the day for yet another celebration of community. One where yet again memories of loved ones were being shared, but this time those memories and the gathering was an effort to make a future brighter for someone with cancer, and their families...



Two days filled with kickball, games, beer, food, music and community...



However, it's those balloons where the real meaning of the gathering takes place...each one is in honor of someone who has either passed away or survived cancer...

And then..it was after this that I returned home and on my way saw...

The exclamation point to a beautiful day!

For Sale - The Untold Reality

Nights are cool, windows need to be closed and quilts help to keep the kids and I warm. Autumn is on it's way in. Days are getting shorter and pretty soon sunset will be happening at the same time as the boys and I sit down for dinner.

We can breath a sigh of relief that the warm humid days of summer will be behind us, and we no longer need to worry about how hot and uncomfortable we will be while wondering if we will ever get that a/c repaired. Thankfully this past summer has been cooler than norm, someone was looking out for us.

While we may be thankful that cooler days are coming, I am reminded this morning when I read articles and headlines of homes for sale under $50,000, that there are many people ...many parents and children out there dreading the snow and cold and life in winter ...while homeless.

I found myself scanning a website with listings of these below market value homes, and wonder about the story behind each one. Who was the little girl that once called that pink room bedroom her castle? Or how many meals did some family share in that dinning room? How many holidays ...special moments....were celebrated there? Were the owners of the home young parents who dreamed about their children's future? Where are they now?

Yes, each of those homes have a story of a family contained within it's walls...

Perhaps someone lost a job....

Or someone became ill and medical bills piled up....

Maybe it was that adjustable rate mortgage that got away from them before help came...

So many listings....so many homes...so many stories being untold. And then there are those who never owned a home to begin with......

Lives changed forever...some will find strength ...some will only see anger...while some will get lost in despair.

Needless to say I absorb the untold truths, and survey my own situation....knowing that one day a picture of my home may be the cliff notes to the existence the children and I have had the last few years.....never say never........

The air in my home is cool this morning...a quilt is wrapped around my shoulders...and I wonder about those homes...those people....are they warm?

In the background Face the Nation is on....they're discussing Swine Flu, education and pay for teachers.

I wonder why no one has been talking about the homeless. It's been a long time since I've seen any news show that highlights their plight.

Why?

Time for a Google search on homeless, and this is what I found -

SURGE IN HOMELESS PUPILS STRAIN PUBLIC SCHOOLS

by ERIK ECKHOLM

New York Times

Excerpt below...

While current national data are not available, the number of schoolchildren in homeless families appears to have risen by 75 percent to 100 percent in many districts over the last two years, according to Barbara Duffield, policy director of the National Association for the Education of Homeless Children and Youth, an advocacy group.

There were 679,000 homeless students reported in 2006-7, a total that surpassed one million by last spring, Ms. Duffield said.

With schools just returning to session, initial reports point to further rises. In San Antonio, for example, the district has enrolled 1,000 homeless students in the first two weeks of school, twice as many as at the same point last year.

“It’s hard enough going to school and growing up, but these kids also have to worry where they’ll be staying that night and whether they’ll eat,” said Bill Murdock, chief executive of

Eblen-Kimmel Charities, a private group in Asheville that helps needy families with anything from food baskets and money for utility bills to toiletries and a prom dress.

“We see 8-year-olds telling Mom not to worry, don’t cry,” Mr. Murdock said.

I've heard those words coming from my son..."Don't worry Mom - don't cry" ...words no child should have to say...unfortunately life for many dictates another reality.

How do we change this?

Winter is coming...so many children are about to feel a cold they will never shake....

Maybe if all of us remember that every time we see that nice home for sale under 50 grand...there's a child comforting a parent...maybe then together all of us can make a difference...

There has got to be a way that together we can provide a quilt of comfort for those who are in need.

Snow is on the way..........