How I Choose to Heal

 

I've lived a life where my healing could not be found between the pages of a book, written by someone else nor within their experience. I've grown up seeing how mental health conditions receive new definitions and treatment options as science evolves, leaving the ones who once trusted their medications and diagnosis's written in stone only to be left in the dust and sometimes, too late to catch up. 

I've spent five decades watching doctors scratch their heads when my very real test results didn't meet the boxes on their checklists. I had to do the research on my own body's symptoms I knew fully well, against medical gas-lighting and society's judgments. 

I've been poked and prodded by all of them and dissected by many of the eyes reading this, and always in the end I had to do the work myself, bring my research and findings to appointments and convince doctors I was right or try to, but only get their approvals AFTER the wait and debate took it's toll to the point I proved myself right by their neglect to listen. I am thankful for a few of my recent doctors, they finally listened, especially my primary physician and neurosurgeon - but even there they were shocked at how right I was when it took a surgery to prove my point. 

While these may seem like complaints to those who are clueless what it is like to walk in shoes like mine, I consider them accomplishments. I learned early on most of the answers we all seek are within us, somewhere deep and that is where and how the search should begin. 

I realize I may offend those who run to self empowerment books, that is not my intent, I am just explaining what has worked for me as the person who has saved myself more times than most know to be able to write these words here today. 

When I was younger, I went that book route. I went the support groups route. I went the counseling route and I still managed to land in some rough patches, deadly in fact - 

Healing for me, or at least the path - which is life long as life throws curve balls - truly began when I went back to the basics I relied on as a teen, putting on some music and writing - journaling. Then, of course, there are the times I don't share my thoughts in the written format, I just sit...listen...and stare off into space.. call it my form of meditation. 

Those are where my most breakthrough moments have come from... for me that is the best medicine - where I discovered my own confidence, even if shaky at times. 

Other times have come after watching or reading about some time in history and seeing pattern from then and life today - I start thinking about those people and their emotions given the times they lived in, the restrictions and constraint on their lives, the trauma they sustained and their outcomes from it all...taking it all in spawns self reflection for me in these days, in my life, and how much or how little society has changed..what changes are still needed of each other and our reflections. 

Asking those questions, seeing comparable moments in my life, allows me the sense of not being alone, which mentally we all need. 

So, if you ask me what author (s) I read for self help/empowerment - it's my reflection. You may or may not agree with me on who I go to first and last, but that's okay, it is my answer and it's gotten me this far and during days when I was all I had, against all odds. 

Credit - Main Image: Марина Вельможко from Pixabay