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Showing posts from March, 2009

A Good Hurt?

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It feels like my left shoulder has been ripped from the socket, and I am enjoying it???!?!? Not sure if I am asking or telling you about it all. This morning I am realizing that yes, I am 41 and so are my muscles but at the same time so is my freewill. The last few days has been spent being in constant motion. It started with spending time with out of state friends who were vacationing here in the Dells and staying at a resort with an indoor waterpark. The kids played and swam with their two little ones as we adults caught up on years of stories. It was a nice visit that lasted two days, and I walked away from it with a couple of thoughts; damn I miss the old days! And ...my boys are wonderful...although my friends children were little ones (7 and 4) my two sons (15 and 10) enjoyed every minute with them....played with them..and genuinely enjoyed their company. My youngest now tells me he wants a baby sister.....DREAM ON BUDDY!!! From that active adventure to a weekend of painting insi

Semi; My Son

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It was a few years ago that I witnessed something remarkable, a lesson from life in which my child was the teacher. My son Justin is a unique young man, and as a mother I always knew this. When Justin was born he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his little neck. At the time we didn't realize just exactly how that affected him, but over the years watching him reach his developmental milestones achingly slow, we realized that his birth did in fact alter his life's destination. After many visits to many specialist Justin was diagnosed as having a very mild form of cerebral palsy. It was a shock to my system to hear that diagnosis. "Not my son! He can walk! He doesn't look it!" The diagnosis lead to a quick and in depth lesson on what cerebral palsy is, and all the different forms it can take. Now when most people look at Justin they see strong young man. Tall for his age and fully able. What they don't see is his low muscle tone, and his poor coordination. T

Couldn't Sell My Damn Tears!

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OK...so...I admit it. Last year I had a little breakdown. It's the only word I have to describe it. A person can only take so much, right? At least I thought so at the time.... Spring 2008......... Basement flooded Water heater fugged up - boiled water for baths Ex saying he wouldn't take the plea ...wanted a jury trial...meaning my children would be grilled on the stand. Notice I was being sued for a credit card that the ex ran up prior to the divorce, and that last assault Working two jobs and getting NOWHERE financially House all muddy from dogs and the backyard being flooded Car acting up again....more funny sounds coming from the front end Vacuum cleaner broke All in happening in a couple of days time.............. Yup.....I lost my mind............. I rummaged the house looking for things to eBay only to discover I've already auctioned off most of my possessions of any value.... There I sat in my room.......crying............feeling sorry for myself...........pissed o

Grieving is Surviving

Tonight was one of those nights where light bulbs were exploding in my head. A night that was filled with listening to others about their experiences, reflecting upon mine, and realizing yet once again..everything does in fact happen for a reason. After coming home from a meeting where a handful of women share their experiences, dreams, hopes and steps towards healing from emotional abuse, I found myself repeating over and over something in my head I've said a thousand times before....to heal you need to grieve...to grieve you need to feel...to feel you need to be open for the ache...to do that is to love yourself, and know you are worthy of the time and energy involved. Much like living, I believe surviving will be a lifelong process. There will always be situations or comments that will trigger a memory or thought no matter where I am in that process, but the true test will be how I digest it, and respect it when it happens. It's one thing to announce to others that I am a su

Spring Brings About Lessons in Love

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I've always considered myself a person of high moral integrity, responsible to a fault as well as honest. Almost to a point I am sure to others I must seem anal. It's funny how when it comes to romantic love that I find myself at a lost on certain things, and often feel foolish for some of my actions, and thoughts. Lessons in love are some of the hardest, most painful of all, lessons to learn. I guess this topic is on my mind as spring begins to storm it's way in because like anything that involves new life, and new growth...it's darkest before the dawn. After spending almost all of my adult life with one man, one lover, I find myself now in a strange new world. A world that quite frankly is almost as terrifying as the end of my marriage was. So many forks in the road, so many choices to make, and so many mistakes to be made and to learn from. Marriage protected me from that during those "prime" dating years, I never had to face myself nor my own insecuritie

Welcome to Mayberry...

Rolling hills, dense woods, lakes..rivers and streams...camping, fishing, boating, hunting, and even snow-mobiling all can be had here where I live - a recreational playground in the center of Dairyland, USA and it is just hours away from many metro areas. It's the kind of area where once you drive through it you wonder what it would be like to live there...that simple life where strangers on the street will wave to passing cars. You envision a little diner where locals meet every morning for coffee...at one table sits a couple of farmers chatting about the crops this year, while across from them sits an elderly couple enjoying their morning meal. The Police Chief walks in and everyone looks up to give an eager hi, as they go about their morning ritual of coffee and chat. Where I live that place is called the Busy Bee, and is in the heart of my town. The place mats on the tables are the advertising section of the paper, and it's nothing to look down an find out there's a s

Why Congress Needs Batterer's Treatment -

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See that picture....yeah, that one over to the left. That's what is known as the Power and Control Wheel....it shows how the cycle of abuse happens, and what spins it out of control. Now please don't think I am about to make slight at the plague of domestic violence in our country, nor what happens to victims of it.... However take a really good look at it.....Does it remind you of anything all of us have in common? Every single American from New York to Alaska (yes, even Palin's Alaska).... Emotional Abuse: lying, demeaning comments, neglect for your well being. Economic Abuse: Controls the money - and uses it against you. Threats: If you don't agree with them, watch out because it will be the end of the world you know. Blaming, Denial, Minimizing; It's not their fault....how could YOU think that!?! They're working to make your life better ....give you everything you need to live a good life....besides don't blame them for your last guy!! Isolation: Where a

Kyle's Art - I Knew I Was Patient For a Reason

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This is my youngest son, Kyle, and next to him is a recent art piece he has created. Now, let me tell you about Kyle. Oh...there are soooooo many adjectives to describe this unique young man, just ask his older brother Justin. As a mother I have been blessed with two remarkable sons. Not only do they keep me going each and everyday, but I am in constant amazement on how much they teach me. Both of my children have talents...I love them both dearly, and they know it. My eldest son, Justin, I will be talking, and blogging about in the near future....his life has already had a positive impact on our society, and other children....believe me there will be stories to tell you...but for now this one is about Kyle. Kyle was a child that did everything in life early. And I mean EVERYTHING! He did so on little to no sleep .....with me, a walking Zombie....following closely behind and praying that no one got hurt. It was within weeks of him being born into this world that I knew he would one day

Boy Creates You Tube Video to Find Dad Work

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So this morning I am sitting here, sipping my coffee - (thankful for the food stamps we receive that provides me that morning jolt) - I am watching the news on MSNBC- (wondering how much longer I will be able to before electricity and cable gets shut off) My mind is going a mile a minute - (spinning thoughts on how the HELL am I going to pull off the next few weeks without any employment coming my way - income to household the past couple of weeks = $0.00) The news is depressing - ( I try not to listen too actively - just can't take all the sorrow this morning) It was about then that a story came on about a young man, Ben Gullett, (14 yrs old) who lives in Florida. The boy is getting national attention because he created a You Tube video in an effort to help his recently laid off father, a marketing executive, find a job. At first watching this I choke up a bit - it's sweet to hear a story about a child helping a parent during tough times. Then I see the video - the music is a

Failing Economy Feeds Cycle of Domestic Violence

As more and more people suffer job loss, lose homes, and their personal debts compound because the individuals out there lack the funds needed to pay them - not only will alcoholism and drug use increase, but so will the rates of households suffering domestic violence. This will not only harm our present day society, but create a pay it forward punch that will knock out future generations. It's not only women who will suffer at the hands of their abuser, but the rises will be seen across the board: more elderly abuse as families double up; more workplace violence as employees reach their mental limits with trying to hold on to their jobs; children will take their anger to schools and bullying will increase; yes, even more men will suffer at the hands of their partners abuse. Domestic violence is a poison that crosses over every racial line, every faith, and every social status. It does not discriminate and the fear that keeps victims frozen in place in a violent home will be more r

Sex and the Survivor; they can co-exist

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What is the first thing you think of when you hear the words rape, molestation or sexual assault? What picture comes to mind, what feelings does that spur? Considering that I was only five years old the first time I was molested, I do not know what a person who never has had that experience thinks of when they hear those words. I only know what reactions I have encountered when I tell them that I am a survivor of being sexually assaulted as a child and an adult. Often times it’s a mixed pot of reactions from those who look at me in shock because as they would tell me, “I would have never of guessed.,” to those that obviously have a hard time discussing the issue for whatever reason. I have had men wonder aloud if because of my past assaults if I am now “frigid.” There have even been people who really wanted to know if victims do turn into “sluts” after having “THAT” happen to them. My answer to people has been what I would tell them had it been any other crime; it depends on the victim

Divorced Survivor Seeks Prince Charming; Hope Chest Provided (part 1)

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After spending my entire adult life with one man, I find myself out THERE...supposedly free and on that playing field known as dating. I lived through the 80's...dated through them as well. You remember the 80's don't ya? That metallic era where everything was about glitz and plastic....plastic money, plastic surgery...plastic personalities....so much hairspray that even hair had the stiff appearance of plastic. One would think that experience alone would have provided me with the lessons needed to date now. The difference is now the men I meet are self proclaimed victims of plastic love. I waited a while before I thought I would put myself back out there. I wanted to be ready, really assured in what I was looking for. I mean I am not that young girl I once was the last time I dated. Then the attention I received from perspective dates was nice, and often what my then insecure ego needed to feel valued. After years in a marriage, and surviving what I have….I am a different

Damn Straight I am THANKFUL for Being Chewed UP!!!!

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Why you may ask? Well being chewed up over and over throughout my lifetime has tenderized me, and as I tip the scale into my fourth decade of living, I know I am at my prime..........and that's good enough for me!!! Now don't get me wrong, like millions in this country I am struggling everyday to make ends meat.....But I know I am a survivor, and I will get through this, as will any other woman out there who has survived leaving a domestic violent relationship, or who has dealt with the skeletons of a childhood that included emotional neglect, and sexual assault. If you..."we"...can make it through that....leave the abuse, and hand back the shame to where it belongs ...to our abusers, then YES...we can make it through this bleak economic period our country is facing right now!! It was August 13th of 2007 when I knew it would be the last time I would allow myself to have been chewed up.....that was the day my now ex-husband...then estranged husband..sexually assa