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Showing posts from September, 2015

Pen to paper - #WhenIBecameFree - The Heartland Project

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Helps - Yes, keeping a journal is healing. Looking back at my life and during some of those darkest moments there was one thing I always did - I kept a diary of sorts. My first couple of ones were filled with doodles, my love for animals and, of course, the band-Journey as well as David Bowie. Sometimes there would be a poem - and others times just one sentence describing my deep thought or question for the day. I would go in spurts of writing non stop for weeks on end, and then all of a sudden I couldn't find words to write. For some twisted entertainment sake I'd leave cryptic messages for my mother in the diary I kept out in the open. However for the one hidden in a box, under my bed, I would write about my fears, my dreams, and sometimes how I wish I could close my eyes and life would stop.  I was a very depressed teen, way before Goth became popular. This was back when I was sick all the time, and away from school -at home or in the hospital. My spleen ever

Breaking free from Rural Isolation - #WhenIBecameFree - The Heartland Project

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ISOLATION Just sounding out the word leaves me with the chills. So cold  - so alone - desperation - lost - forgotten - hopeless - endless pit of despair. It is a place to which I never want to return. When I visited it in the past, I overstayed my welcome so now the mere thought of going back is a nightmare, one I work hard at making sure I never find myself there again. For those of us living in the rural area of the country we know an isolation that our suburban and urban survivor counterpoints should feel comfort that they never knew. I've lived and survived abuse in both settings, and I can honestly tell you that the rural setting is one that has barriers others do not. Lack of resources Lack of transportation (public) Lack of employment Overwhelming poverty Constraints of the small town rumor mill And those are just a few,,, For a comprehensive look at rural isolation read the following study  - Rural Disparity in Domestic Violence Prevalence and Access to

Jenny's Journey - #WhenIBecameFree - The Heartland Project

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Yesterday I met with a young woman named Jenny. She relayed her journey of being a survivor of child sexual assault, a journey that began when she was just 2 years old. Jenny's Journey during her childhood will hit home with many survivors, as it is one that is riddled with incidents of abuse, and most non related to the ones before. I know that may sound confusing to some but something I've learned through my path of healing is it is common for someone who has been sexually abused as a child to have multiple incidents of repeated abuse however by different offenders. When a victim/survivor goes through such a journey they literally feel like a freak of nature, that somehow they are to blame, perhaps even asking for it - but the reality is perpetrators are able to sniff out the child they think they can control, the one with low self esteem. They know what to look for in their prey - an injured soul. In listening to Jenny's story I found, once again, I identified w

And so people will talk.. - #WhenIBecameFree

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For victims of abuse one of the toughest hurdles to get over in breaking away and becoming a survivor is the worry about what others will say about you and the decisions you make in breaking free. This is especially true in small town America. It is a place where everyone thinks they know everything about everyone else, and if they don't, they attempt to find out - or they make it up as they go. Now imagine if you will you've been in an abusive relationship with someone everyone else perceives as charming, witty, caring and just plain likable. They don't realize that behind closed doors there is a nightmare brewing just about every night - that their drinking is out of hand, their passive aggressive ways turn to spite, anger, hostility and playing the victim when they are drunk. Sometimes alcohol and/or drugs do not even have to be in the picture, just a closed door is needed. If you remove yourself from that toxic soup no one else has tasted, you know there will be

#WhenIBecameFree I stopped blindly harming myself

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The journey I am on with the #WhenIBecameFree- The Heartland Project   is bringing back some memories that have always been a part of me, but I never gave them the respect they deserved as a sign of how far I have come on my road to healing. Tonight I was wandering various websites as I did what I usually do when the house is quite and I have my space, OCD research. I have this part of me that takes over where I must know everything about any given topic at the time I am working on something. I am a research hound. Have been since I was a child. Who knows maybe it was that desire - that obsessive drive - in the pursuit of making sense out of the world around me, that actually saved me from walking down dark paths of no return. As I was sitting here listening to music of my teen years while searching out some data, a thought entered my head - "I no longer scratch my arm." Why that thought came through is beyond me, but I found myself looking down at my forearm, and before

PTSD And The Trauma Battlefield by Stephanie March

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When people hear the term PTSD one of the first thing that comes to mind is veterans of war and with good reason. However, there are different kinds of veterans of completely different kinds of wars that also suffer from the grips of this sometimes debilitating illness. I personally have never seen a commercial or awareness campaign aimed at trauma survivors that suffer from PTSD and there is something very wrong with that. Simply finding research about the prevalence of PTSD in trauma survivors proves to be a challenge. Why is this not being funded when a woman is assaulted or beaten every 9 seconds ? Every 9 seconds is roughly the time it took for you to read the previous two paragraphs. One article states that “The prevalence of PTSD in victims of IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) has been found to be as high as 63.8%”. This is higher than the average of people in general society with PTSD which is roughly, according to the same article, between 1 and 12%. W

Co-Dependent Cyclones

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Growing up in an abusive environment you think you learn how to weather storms, but in all actuality  what happens is you are swept away into a learned behavioral pattern known as co-dependency. You become dependent on those who are dependent on your people pleasing ways. You lift them up when their self esteem is low and in doing so you become dependent on their need for you to care for them It is a vicious cycle of highs and lows.. It is a struggle that once learned, will last a lifetime, even if you are aware of it and work to break the patterns - you must be careful of slippery slopes. Those slippery slopes appear at weak moments, almost as if they know you will take the plunge. Much like alcoholics on the road to recovery need to actively work on abstaining from drinking, a co-dependent person must actively work on their boundaries and learning how to say "No." Also know that many who do have addictions are spinning out of control in co-dependent cyclones. They ar

Tracy's Truth - #WhenIBecameFree

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Being a survivor of child sexual abuse is hard enough when people believe you, but when people deny your truth and the path you've walked, especially loved ones, the pain felt goes far deeper and the road to healing can be longer. This afternoon I had the opportunity to meet a very brave woman named Tracy. She told me her story and it was one filled with struggle and lifelong pain that can come with being a survivor. I sat across from Tracy and listened intently as she spoke. I identified with a lot of what she said. Like her I was a very young girl when I was first molested. Like her my story in the past was denied by people I cared about, and like her I managed to place myself into relationships that were abusive. Most importantly, like her, I am working to break the cycles of dysfunction for the future generations. Most survivors have common bonds in their path to healing, it is a long road and we all pass certain and specific landmarks along the way - Having said that

My Boys Are My Greatest Accomplishment - #WhenIBecameFree

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Victims stay in toxic relationships out of fear. Fear they wont be able to make it in the world on their own. Fear of what others may say about them, to their face and behind their backs. Fear that they will not be able to provide for their children, and give them a stable home. Fear that they will not be enough. Fear they will not know their role as one, rather than a half of a couple. Fear. My boys and I - 2006 I had all of those fears and quite possibly a few more, but the greatest fear for me was somehow I would fail my boys, my two sons. When I first made the attempt to leave a marriage spinning out of control my eldest son was 12 years old and my youngest was just 7 years, soon to turn 8. I literally had no money, no job. I did, thankfully, have a roof - but the worry on how I would keep it over our heads was overwhelming. I faltered a bit because the weight of the world was too much for me at the time to handle. I let my husband back on promises he would remain sober, a

Dear Rep. Joel Kleefisch - take a step back and ponder #WhenIBecameFree

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Dear Representative Joel Kleefisch, I am assuming you do not know what you propose in your 2015 Assembly Bill 290 . I say this as that is the only conclusion that I, a survivor of sexual assault, can reach when reading the following in the bill's analysis: " Under the bill, DOC must make every reasonable effort to authorize a sex   offender to reside within the city, town, or village in which he or she resided on the  date of the sex offense. If the person is unable to reside in the city, town, or village  in which he or she resided on the date of the sex offense, DOC may authorize the  person to reside in the county in which the person resided at the time of the sex  offense or in which the person was convicted of the sex offense." I take it that you have not taken into consideration that many victims still reside in the city, town, or village of where the sexual assault occurred. I believe that because no where in your bill do you mention that the victim shou

Dirty Laundry - #WhenIBecameFree

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I absolutely hate the term "Dirty Laundry." "Don't air your dirty laundry." "We don't air our dirty laundry." That is basically telling someone to keep carrying shame, in silence. That should the dark secret get out they would be seared with a Scarlet Letter. It is the very same thing, tactic, abusers use to keep control over their victims. It is what keeps victims in a cyclone of self doubt, and self hate. It is why so many generations before us never spoke about child sexual abuse, rape, or domestic violence. It is one of the "whys" victims stay in abusive relationships - It is one of the "whys" there is a higher than average suicide rate for those who have been abused - Carrying that shame, all that dirty laundry, can be the reason some choose drugs or alcohol to numb their pain. The last time someone told me that my life experience was "dirty laundry" was in 2007 and just after that final assault fro

Seeds of Hope - #WhenIBecameFree

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My personal inventory of trauma in life is long. I was sexually assaulted by 5 different males before the age of 14 - I grew up in an alcoholic and co-dependent household I spent my teens years hating my existence, and attempted suicide I witnessed my father, a man I loved and dearly respected,  have a violent nervous breakdown I longed for nurturing from a mother who, herself, was wounded from life's path I was hospitalized 25 plus times in my childhood for a mysterious illness that resulted in a very enlarged spleen and multiple infections - I fell in love with and married an alcoholic and willingly placed myself into the path of emotional and physical pain Not every day of my past was spent in pain, there were many good times as well. However, trauma, especially childhood trauma, leaves deep wounds and had it not been for the Seeds of Hope planted along the way I would not be the survivor I am today. Those seeds were planted by various people throughout my life- fri

#WhenIBecameFree - My journey began at 5 yrs old

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I once was a carefree little girl. Big eyes, long hair, and "oh so pretty," as so many would tell me. I was a girly girl in that I refused to wear pants, only dresses for me and I also refused to have the short hair that was becoming popular with some of my friends.  I loved my dolls, my baby doll carriage and my Siamese cat, Kelly. Often I would dress up Kelly in my doll clothing and push him around my home in the baby carriage - he never argued. At night, for bed, I would dress up in my prettiest nightgowns, the ones that made me feel like a princess when I wore them. I was a textbook little girl - innocent and wide-eyed. Yes, no cares in the world - I was all smiles, smiles that is until the age of 5. That is when something happened to me that would change my life, and send me down a dark path riddled with ruts of doubt, predators waiting around turns, and air heavy with shame not allowing me to scream out for guidance and help. At the tender and innocent age of fi

Kelli's Story - An Update - #WhenIBecameFree- The Heartland Project

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Any survivor willing to go public with their story is BRAVE!. We risk judgment and most of all we live with a fear that our abusers will come after us - that fear is in us whether or not we tell our story. Kelli is allowing all of us in on her life during a highly traumatizing event - offender re-entry. Most survivors live with PTSD and offender re-entry is one of the many triggers we must work through on our path to thriving. Kelli is working through her fears while she works towards change. Thank you Kelli for being so brave! Shining a light on the holes in a system is not an easy task, especially as you're falling through them. Victims/survivors need LEGAL rights during the offender re-entry process. Our voices and concerns need to be heard. While policy changes may be a positive step we believe legislation granting us those rights will ensure our voices are heard. A huge THANK YOU goes out to the staff at the Juneau County Sheriff's Office - Detective Shaun Goye

The Little Things

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A Guest Post By Stephanie March While growing up we are often told that what matters in life the most are "the little things".  As kids we nod, have no clue what that truly means, and add a fifth page to our wish list for Santa.  As teenagers we roll our eyes, pretend to listen, and then ask for more money.  But at some point along the way, hopefully, the truth of that statement begins to take on some actual meaning.   Some of us learn it earlier than others and some of us never learn.  Those that do learn the true reality of the little things lesson can learn it on a small or large scale.  I happen to have learned it on a scale of epic proportions.   I did a fair share of volunteer work even as a teenager and often with my church.  One of the most memorable trips was to rebuild homes in one of the most poverty stricken areas in America.  I gave up a decent chunk of my much anticipated summer break to sleep on a non-air conditioned gym floor in swel