Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out!

The connections started about 9 years ago, in December of 2009. At the time Lend a Hand had only been in existence for just 6 weeks and we were already placing people in motels, families and individuals who carried the branding of being homeless. I say branding because that is what it felt like working with them in trying to get services that didn't exist and then also trying to get a message out in our community, that YES we have homeless in rural Wisconsin. I was greeted by dismay, accusations, and then also a great amount of empathy and compassion. I was not prepared for the lessons I was about to learn. My days became quickly filled with too much to do and not enough time to do it all in. Kyle was 11 and Justin was 15. We spent a lot of family time volunteering for Lend a Hand. Often they would go with me to met people at the motel. They would help carry the boxes of food we would get for those newly registered at the motel. They went with me to meet Kathy at the food pa

The memories came barreling in, like a wall of chatter, knocking the wind of me. They hit so hard that the tears started rolling before I even realized what was happening - 16 years worth of flashbacks. A domino effect that started with "sold" being placed on the for sale sign sitting in my front yard. It was just a few days ago when those memories flooded in and ever since they have been playing over and over in my head. Sure, there have been the ones I would like to forget and for the last decade have done my best to erase the trauma, but inter-mixed are the good ones, the ones a mother's heart will always cherish. Kyle, my youngest, was just 4-years-old when we moved to Wisconsin and Justin, my eldest, was 9 years old. In 2002 when we moved from the suburban Chicago area up to Juneau County, Wisconsin, it was my mother, my husband, my children and myself - the five of us.  My mother has since passed on, my once husband of 18 years is out of my life, and my boys a

Focus Focus Focus....   Easy to say but hard to do, at least for the last 6 weeks that has been the case for me. My head is spinning with everything that has occurred - a vast number of house showings, then there were all the medical appointments...specialist after specialist...test after test...new medications and now surgery on Tuesday.  I've found that most of those new medications are making me feel like I am entering the first stages of dementia. Then there are all the new symptoms...symptoms that started appearing last year and have been rapidly increasing over the last few months. Symptoms that have had the doctor checking me for cancer because that would have made sense...not having it and still having all these symptoms, doesn't. I never take the easy road. Now is the wait to get into the rheumatologist. All the medical experts are pointing his way, again. He'll have all the answers! But, unfortunately, it is a long wait to get an appointment....a ver

The past few weeks I have been feeling exceptionally vulnerable. I am battling some insecurities and also some anger I didn't realize I still have. This weekend it all has hit me rather hard and has left me emotionally exhausted and feeling exposed, like a wounded animal unable to protect its underbelly. Knowing at any moment a predator could take one swipe and gut me - and, there's not a damn thing I can do to prevent it from happening. I've written quite a bit about this being the year for transitions, for myself and others, and that is not an exaggeration. I am witnessing struggles of healing reveal beautiful moments, for myself, the #WhenIBecameFree project , and in others. So much so, that I keep trying to remind myself in that old saying,  "no pain, no gain." The thing is, I am not sure I have what it takes anymore to withstand the pain, I'm getting old and damn, I am exhausted! Pushing these feelings to the surface has been this weekend I've s

"Shhh...Be a good little girl, don't tell." "If you tell, you will be punished, they will not believe you." "I will kill your family if you tell." That is #whatIremember. #IRemember their hands on my young skin. #IRemember time standing still. #IRemember holding my breath, being frozen in place. #IRemember being sexually assaulted at the age of 5, at the age of 8, at the age of 9, at the age of 13...maybe I was 14, and then also as an adult. #IRemember each one of my predators. #IRemember holding on to the secrets so tightly that my entire being became those secrets I was hiding, I lost touch with myself. #IRemember wanting to die, many times over. #IRemember fearing what people would think of me if they knew my truths. #IRemember not even knowing how to start telling those secrets. #IRemember telling my cat about my secrets. #IRemember after attempting suicide as a teen and telling my mother about some of those secrets,

Sleep is not coming easy tonight. There's just too much on mind. A lot of good things and then there are some worries that are weighing heavy. The #WhenIBecameFree project is doing well, actually better than I thought it would when earlier this summer I decided to give it my all. The survivor stories are forthcoming. The survivors are strong and organized to help others. It has been an amazing journey. I did have to slow down on writing as my fingers are not cooperating with me but at the same time the documentary part of the project is moving forward. Thomas Houy from iLead Charter School in Mauston is gearing up and surprisingly we may a media company jumping on board to help see this and that the documentary is well done. The support has been amazing. We're addressing some issues in my local community. This may not thrill some people but the focus is bringing awareness, filling in those gaping holes in the safety net for victims and breaking cycles of abuse, whether it

Simply put.... If a child is continuously exposed to domestic violence and you know about it and do nothing - you are part of the problem If a victim reaches out for help to leave an abusive situation and you don't do everything in your power to get them to the right people and resources - you are part of the problem. There has been enough coverage and public service announcements so if you ask or say... Why did she stay? Why didn't they report it sooner? It was just the alcohol talking not really him/her , they didn't mean it... Get over it and move on..... She's (he) asking for it by going back, they get what they deserve... She/he only wants attention ...... She/he is not innocent..... What did you say to make him/her so mad at you? Did you hear what happened over at ---- the other night? (whispering)??? You are part of the problem.  It is a problem plaguing our nation, our states, our communities, and our neighbors. Be part of a sol

Working with survivors and being one, I know that one of the greatest hurdles towards healing is the constant worry about what others say about us. Even more so, are the lies that are told.  If we grew up in an abusive environment (most of us have) and then continued that pattern of living in abuse as adults, we've been surrounded by pathological liars and have done absolutely everything we can to keep them happy so that we do not end up on the brown end of the lying stick. It is one of the ways they controlled us, that fear of what they would say to others and then, would all those others believe them. In a twisted way, some of us, felt safer living with the abuse than facing what life would be like with all those lies slapping us in the face, everywhere we'd go. My ex-husband was extremely skilled at lying. I even started to believe he was so gifted at it, he started believing those lies to the point he'd attempt to use them against me when he was drunk. They were p

Savannah working her magic at her first speaking endeavor.  In a few of my posts this week I've mentioned that it has been a very busy week. It was a week of meetings promoting the project and bring into focus community needs in helping victims of abuse become survivors, then also helping victims find resources and support to become those survivors and finally also watching some of the #WhenIBecameFree survivors blossoming as they share their voice publically for the first time. When I started the project I had no idea where it would take me and what it would mean to so many, including myself. I just knew that the stories were out there and they needed to be told to start the gears rolling toward positive change. Tuesday evening I held a speaking event at Beyond the Daily Grind in my little city of Mauston, WI. in rural Juneau County. Originally I had scheduled the event to tell my story and the story of the project, but the more I watched the survivors bond and work in c

Today I learned that my youngest son Kyle  has quite a bit in common with a couple of inmates who are incarcerated at the New Lisbon Correctional Institution - at a young age they all wrapped their hands around a baseball bat to protect themselves and their loved ones from the person they loved and all because domestic violence had taken hold in their childhood home. With the #WhenIBecameFree project I am not only collecting stories from survivors, I am also trying to get out into the community and share the message about the project and how embracing your story, owning your experiences and to then being open to let others know about it all, is healing - healing for you and also them. When I speak to a group at the prison I always open with the fact we have more in common than we have different. That common bond is our childhoods. I ask the group to raise their hands if they grew up with domestic violence, addictions and/or in a single parent family - all hands raise. That is m