Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out!

I spend enough time on Twitter to know that certain types of tweets will attract harassment and bullying. Sadly, most of it is directed at women participating in trending hashtags meant to bring people together on issues like domestic violence or mental health. I’m always moved by people willing to speak out and bring awareness to topics shrouded in silence. Unfortunately, I’m also always angered by people wanting to silence and shame those brave enough to share. When someone has the courage to speak out about a traumatic topic like abortion, rape, or domestic violence it should be encouraged and applauded. And it is to a large extent. However, it immediately opens the door for cruelty to enter. I cringe when I see this happen and can only hope that the person being attacked is strong enough to handle what is being thrown at them. With suicides occurring at an alarming rate among teenagers, it frightens me to think how many were because of cyberbullying and how many migh

I've searched and searched for a step by step guide on how to handle the emotions and touchy situations of what happens when your abuser gets out of prison and wants to be part of your children's lives again. My searches have come up empty. There are no 'how to' directions. Needless to say it is a situation where the word awkward would be an understatement to describe it and everything it entails. Throughout my abusers incarceration I've had long and lengthy conversations with my boys, and believe it or not I always tried to take the high road...once or twice I may have slipped, but for the most part I've always encouraged them to do what they felt was best for them...if they wanted to contact him, I was okay with it as long as my name was not brought up. I tried my best not to put him down while also reminding them of his good qualities when they would say not the nicest things. I know my children love their father and I could never deny them that a

It is time to take the project beyond state boundaries of Wisconsin and into the rural areas of neighboring states. I can now officially tell the survivors who share their story through the #WhenIBecameFree- The Heartland Project , that I know what it is like to put my face out there. Earlier this week an investigative report by Mike Thompson appeared on New 8 -WKBT LaCrosse, WI. -the subject matter? Victim Rights' during the offender reentry process. A story that highlighted my battle with the Wisconsin Department of Corrections, my project- #WhenIBecameFree , and Kelli's story . The weeks leading up to the story appearing from when I was first interviewed by Mike, were absolutely nerve-racking for me, and, for many reasons. First and foremost I fought the insecurities of fear anticipating what people would say and think about me... my story. Second, I am a woman - one that is just a couple of years away of the big 5-0, I've yet to meet any mature woman who enjoy

It is Thanksgiving Day. Five years ago I would have not been able to write that out without a tear flowing and dread in my stomach. Over the years I've traveled a path that went from looking forward to the holidays, to hating them - and now I am thankful for them. There was a time when my house was the "go to" for all holiday celebrations. I thrived in the role as hostess. The house would be spotless and the preparations for the meal started five days before anyone used a fork to consume it - Extra tables were needed to accommodate all who came together to celebrate.  If I do say so myself, I was an incredible hostess! Then came the dark days of living in the aftermath of domestic violence and divorce. By then both my parents were deceased and it was just the boys and I. I struggled with the memories of the past holidays mixed with fears for the future. My heart ached for my children that now their holidays memories would just be the three of us, just like

Today is my birthday and all I can think about is how much I want this project, #WhenIBecameFree - The Heartland Project to succeed. There are so many stories of survival out there longing to be told. Stories from everyday people doing remarkable things, even if it is waking up every day and moving forward after living a life filled with abuse. Hearing the stories, and seeing the survivors share them gives hope to so many and in ways that is hard to describe. First there is the courage shown when a survivor is willing to share that story on camera in an intimate conversation about their life. Thus far, every survivor I have met through this project has helped me on my own path. Then there is the realization that in the heart and soul of our country, the Heartland, resources are scarce and hurdles of small town/rural life enhance the struggle to succeed when breaking free - it is an isolation like no other but at the same time you can also find how when within a small community

The fight for it is starting to feel like I am pawn in a game of shell. Welcome to the world of politics. Victim/survivors rights during offender re-entry shouldn't even be a question, it should be a given that the victim is a stakeholder and has a voice that needs to be heard. This is especially true for victims of abuse, whether it is domestic abuse, child abuse or sexual abuse at the hands of a known person in their lives. Crimes perpetrated on someone once trusted to the victim, usually an authority figure, or a  family member or an intimate partner. This past year plus I went out on a limb and made my fight to be heard very public. A decision that was not easy to make, but was needed to keep my abuser from being placed on extended supervision within 6 blocks from my home in the rural community where we have one grocery store, one library, a handful of traffic lights and gas stations. Inevitability there would be contact made - not to mention how close I would be should

Everything Happens for a Reason Including opportunities to face fears. One of my greatest fears seems silly to most, especially since I have written about this fear before , and at a time when I had made some strides in addressing it, but, I have yet to fully conquer it. I am one of those people who cringes when a camera comes out. I get anxious, chatty and sarcastic in an attempt to make light of the fact that inside I am literally fighting the fight or flight reaction when a person feels they are in danger. Bringing attention to myself with the #WhenIBecameFree  -Heartland Project  is making me address that fear - one that has been in me since I was a very young child. A fear that stems from a very negative experience of having lived next to and having been a victim of a predator. Cameras comes out and all I can think of is "frozen in time"  - not sure why the thought runs through my head, but along with it comes the memories of another child in the building I li

Speaking out about your story, the good and the bad, is definitely not for everyone. People are afraid of judgement, being attacked, and losing all sense of privacy. And with good reason. What began as a blog about the mundane and funny aspects of my life soon morphed into something very different as I left an abusive relationship. I began to share what I was going through and what I had experienced in the past. Writing it down was cathartic but sharing it with others that understood was life changing. To receive the kind of feedback I receive is something I never expected but am grateful for with every article I write. It encourages me to share more and helps reduce my own feelings of shame and stigma about issues I’m facing. And as those feelings of shame and stigma began to fade into soft whispers in the background, I kept going. I began to share about other issues that breed in silence beyond the topic of domestic abuse. I began writing for other, larger sites

Finally! The experts are finally realizing what survivors have known for generations. Childhood trauma , especially early childhood trauma ( up to age 6) has a direct impact on future life experiences, especially if that trauma is not dealt with and kept locked away never to be spoken about because the shame and stigma, for the victim, is too much to handle. BIG THINKERS ON MENTAL HEALTH: How Childhood Trauma Can Make You A Sick Adult from mental health channel on Vimeo . Is it the victim's fault that society is ignorant to the cause and effect? No, but the victim does get revictimized by it throughout life - a vicious cycle. The only way to stop that cycle is to talk about trauma. Survivors need to share their experiences - their stories - their struggles - their triumphs. Child sexual assault Child abuse Child neglect Emotional abuse in childhood Growing up in an alcoholic environment Growing up in an environment where there is other drug dependencies Growi

by Alexis D. Have you ever been in a moment where everything is at a standstill? Everything is happening, but in slow motion? The scene is heated and their body language is aggressive. You’re not sure how to handle it, so you bite back?  That’s how it is the first time.  The aggressive body language becomes aggressive actions instead. The next morning it is as if nothing happened, they apologized, saying they couldn’t control their “anger.” You accept it, being the first time it happened, you think nothing of it. A week later the cycle begins again. They apologize and you forgive them, claiming “it’s fine” or even “it won’t happen again.”  Over time people will generally accept the hurt and think it’s normal because they love them. But, it never changes. Well at least not until you make the first step. Whatever your first step may be, from realizing that things need to change, or standing up for yourself again, you made a change. No, I’m not saying that everything

Earlier this week I was minding my own business and cooking dinner when the evening news began. As usual, I kept it on because I like to be informed despite the array of terrible that we call the news. It was mostly background noise until a story began about a Judge in Florida that berated and bullied a victim of domestic violence before sending the re-victimized woman to jail for failure to testify. I froze in a combination of horror, anger, and sadness as the heartbreaking video footage played. Video courtesy of New York Daily News The victim had been allegedly choked and threatened with a knife by her husband. On July 22 when she was supposed to testify against her husband she decided not to show up in court. According to this article by The Daily Beast she told a court advocate that she was afraid, dealing with anxiety, and the last time her husband went to jail “he lost his job and couldn’t pay child support”.   Tearfully this battered woman told