Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out!

My children are getting prepared to leave me. Both of my sons and at the same time. They are 18 and 23.  They have been my world from the moment I knew they were growing within me. From the time I was a very young girl all I dreamed about was having children. A longing for a sense of unconditional love. I would get lost in my thoughts on how every day I would tell my child I how much I loved them. How perfect they were to me, even their flaws.  They would never wonder if they were a mistake. Yes, I had it all planned out ...the one thing I didn't plan on was them leaving the nest I dreamed about providing. Needless to say as my boys make their plans to have some great adventures I sit with mixed emotions.  We've been through so much together. Survived so much, and they are such great human beings I will miss their company as much as I miss their presence. Originally they were to leave last month but logistics on getting things together in a short period of time on top of

Now, just by reading the title to this posting I am going to place a bet that you are assuming I am talking about the pattern of abuse in an intimate relationship. While those patterns can be found there this post is dedicated to the patterns that are all around us, in our everyday lives - anywhere there is power and control, there is the possibility of it being abused - creating abusers and their victims. If we do not start recognizing those patterns in other areas of our lives, how then can we expect someone in an intimate relationship to see the pattern slowly sucking them into the cycle to the point they cannot leave before too much harm is done? Abuse - there are many forms -we know this; physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, and financial. Whenever there is power and control, there is the possibility of abuse -abusive relationships (or coercive control or controlling behavior) is the way that abusers exert physical, sexual and other forms of abuse to gain and maintain contro

Well, yes, it happened. This damn presidential election and the news tied to the campaigns triggered something in me that has not happened in a very long time; POST TRAUMATIC EFFING STRESS DISORDER.  Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am and that is because when you experience an episode of PTSD after many years of not having to deal with the symptoms, it is a slap in the face on just how human and flawed even the strongest of survivors are - a little wake up call.  One positive in all of this is I knew what was happening to me as it was happening, unlike how I spent most of my life when the flashbacks would immobilize me with fear. I knew I needed to just let the memories play out and I would be back to myself again. They needed an outlet as the triggers were too many and everywhere I turned.  Knowing this kept me from having a full-fledged panic/anxiety attack. Something I haven't experienced in a very long time now. Yesterday the PTSD punched me in the gut. I cannot ev

Kyle Roberts-my Baby Boy This year I am experiencing many changes in my life. My youngest has graduated from high school and is about to head off out into the world for a career in music. With him will go his best friend Gabe and also my eldest son Justin. The trio will travel down to Memphis and Kyle will do what he does best. He will perform the music of his soul...Blues, Jazz and  some Folk music. There will also be some Adult Contemporary. With Kyle, it is wherever his emotions take him. It is music that will give the listener a glimpse into who he is and the life he has walked these past 18 years. Justin Roberts- my 1st Baby Boy I am an extremely proud mother. I am also a little apprehensive as this is the first time ever I will be separated from my children. Both at the same time. An empty nester, literally, overnight. All of this is hitting as some other stressors pile on. God is testing my strength this coming winter and on just about every front. I feel a

Why do you believe me when I tell you I've been a victim of sexual assault, multiple times?  What makes my words credible to you?  Over the years I've laid out my story on the pages of this blog, and up to my recounting the last attack in August of 2007 where I audio recorded the hour-long attack, I have no proof.  No proof other than my memories I voice.  So, why do you believe me?  Why do you believe I was molested at the age of 5 by a 16 yr old neighbor? Or that a veteran of the Vietnam War, also a neighbor, molested me a number of times?  Why do you believe that also at the age of 9 I was molested by someone extremely close to my family (not blood-related)?  Then as a teen the boyfriend of the woman I was babysitting for came home drunk and assaulted me....why do you believe me? Is it because the only one I ever named was my ex-husband - and because I had the proof in an audio file?  Is that the only assault you believe happened to me?  The others I

Dear Sexual Assault Survivor -  I know you're hurting, especially if you have never come forward, and I know that right now our country's political tone and climate is adding to your pain.  You're seeing all the flippant remarks on social media and in the news from some of the most influential and powerful.  The ignorant comments about a crime you know all to well even though there's never been a guilty verdict- and no justice has been served. A crime that has robbed you of your voice and quite possibly your soul. Each time you see or hear comments of "prove it" ..."she asked for it."... "she's a liar" ...a little piece of you dies as you cringe into the dark memories of your own experience - your truth.  I want you to know there are many fellow survivors walking the same path or have walked it at some point. I want you to know we believe you and there is a community of us who will be there for you when you're ready t

Yes, I've witnessed #BlackLivesMatter and it was before the movement ever began. Maybe that is why I get so very frustrated when I see people discounting the meaning behind the hashtag/movement.  As a society we have a very short term memory - we seem to forget that we have a lot of growing up and evolving to do. That we've made some bad choices in how we've treated segments of our society, our own people..our fellow citizens..fellow humans. #BlackLivesMatter doesn't mean all other lives have no value. It doesn't mean to believe that you believe all police are bad. It doesn't raise one segment of society over another, but rather brings all of us up to a level that is even where we can stand shoulder to shoulder in bettering our world. Yes, #BlackLivesMatter. What is so wrong in saying that where some of us feel we need to say.."well, so does...blah blah?" I realize this is a hot button issue and I may get some flack from friends in writ

Wow, where has the time gone? For the last six months I have been incredibly swamped with responsibilities so, once again, my project has had a delay. But, that doesn't mean it has been erased from my consciousness - actually, the need to carry on and complete it always nagging at me - one day the stars will align and I will be able to get back on target. As for now there is something far more important at hand, making sure my sons have a foundation to fall back on when my time is up on this Earth and being a single mom there are times I feel like I am running backwards on a tread mill that is speeding out of control. In the last six or so months a lot has happened to our little family unit. I started off the year with a promotion as I am now the editor of the newspaper I work for. Leave it to me to finally make it through the ranks at the tail end of an industry's need. A sad part to my promotion is why is happened, a good friend of mine to her leave from the paper to fight