When he gets out - 61 days and counting

Yes, sixty-one days and counting. I try not to think about it, but I find that it is all I can think about.  Why? Well, one of the main reasons is the unknown I am currently facing - when he gets out on extended supervision will he be placed at the temporary living placement 6 blocks from my house, or not. I am still waiting to hear from probation on that drama.

See When He Gets Out - The Timeline for the background.

For those of you new to my blog and story the short summary is..
He is my ex husband and abuser who is serving 8 yrs of initial confinement in the Wisconsin Prison System for sexual assault and battery against me, the woman who spent nearly 20 years with him and gave birth to our two sons.  A crime he did in front of our two boys.

When he gets out he will have 6 yrs of extended supervision yet to serve, and I am still waiting to hear where he will begin that journey...6 blocks from where I lay my head down to sleep each night (like sleep will happen) or somewhere else.

I'm a tough cookie but this living nightmare is taking a toll on me. ..so, when it gets tough, I write, and I vent. A trend you will see here on my blog in the postings from when I first started it in 2008.

It is hard to describe the emotional roller coaster ride I am stuck on at this moment.  One moment I am pissed off fighting the urge to organize a protest, and the next moment I am listening to stupid hair band ballads from the 80's, reminding me of a time when I was blind, wearing rose colored glasses, and in love with the man who has caused me so many tears and pain.

PTSD is a bitch, because in the midst of those memories I get the flashbacks of that final attack, him on top of me....my boys standing feet away, his hand around my throat...me crying but trying not to escalate the situation...and then the cutting comment that came out of his mouth, "What's wrong, does this remind you of your childhood?" The moment he stated that I knew he was in control of what he was doing....there was no blaming alcohol, him being depressed...etc.  He knew those words would cut like nothing else - who needs a weapon when emotional abuse will leave the deepest wounds?

There's that flashback, and then all the nights of threats leading up to that attack - the threat he would rape me, kill me and burn the house down around me.

When the flashbacks hit, I tell myself it is normal...and it is for survivors to have to deal with triggers. At least I no longer get the panic attacks I once did right after the assault, now I can just talk to and calm myself down through that plunge of the roller coaster ride.

This is what survivors must deal with throughout their journey. Walking out of HELL is a hot messy trip.

Those triggers are fueling my fire to get changes of the law enacted in Wisconsin. Truly, placing an abuser on extended supervision so close to their victim shouldn't even be part of the dialogue, but until Wisconsin creates policies in the Dept. of Corrections and enacts legislation that would give victims (I HATE THAT WORD - but, in legal terms that is how the law refers to us) a legal voice in the offender re-entry process, what I am currently living through WILL happen again and to someone else.

Maybe I am reaching for the stars on this one, but it has to be healthier than stepping back into HELL.

Please take a look at the following petition - read it, sign it and help me make all of this that is happening in my life right now for a greater reason...a purpose...something that will help and perhaps save someone else from this torture.

Victims' Rights in Wisconsin - Petition  - Maybe it should be called the "Survivors' Law"

A little inspiration ........


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