Well, it has been about three months now since I last sat down to write on my blog. A lot has happened in those months but surprisingly one of the most unexpected things to have happened is
that I've realized how far I have come on my path to healing. A realization that came probably during one of the most dreaded times in my life - my children moving away from home.
My last post was about that new chapter. At the time I wrote the post I was hesitant in what was about to be, but now I realize that what happened when they left, needed to be ..
Kyle, my youngest, is where he needs to be - in Memphis, TN. A new home for him that I believe has been calling his name since the day his old soul was born. As of February, he has been down there- 10 hours from me, making his own way in pursuing his passions, playing his guitar. He doesn't just "play" he speaks using those strings on his instrument of choice. It is how he tells his life story - all the emotions he has kept deep within him. All the losses he suffered as a young boy and all those dreams he imagined in his head as he provided his own shield from an outside world that often felt cold. I believe in destiny - that Everything Happens for a Reason - and he is now living out the reasons on why as a young child he suffered the trauma of domestic violence shattering his family, tearing apart his once safe world. At 18 years old Kyle is far wiser than his young years.
And then, there's Justin. Sweet innocent Justin with so much love to give. My eldest child is with his younger brother and by all rights, his best friend. Together they are in Memphis with Kyle's friend Gabe. Gabe is pretty much like a brother to both Kyle and Justin. All three of them together on a new adventure and now Justin is finally experiencing the freedom to be who he was born to be. Justin has always had courage, a bravery like I've never seen before. From the day he was born hurdles were placed in his path and he has conquered them all, staying innocent and willing to give anyone a chance. Mild cerebral palsy..epilepsy...learning disabilities .. and even bursting out of a protective closet embracing a path that was not chosen, all while having no regrets for what has been laid out before him. Yes, bravely innocent. I don't know how else to describe my 1st born.
The day they drove away it was a cold February morning. The snow was falling. It would be the first time in our lives we would be separated for any real length of time. After they drove away, I walked back into the silence of my house and that is when it hit me - I let out a scream of pain like I never have before. I could feel the emptiness all the way to my core. Both my children leaving me all at once was almost too much to handle. We've been through so much together - learned so much from one another. Suffered through a trauma together while we walked the path of healing hand in hand. Our bond is one there are no words for as well as one I will always be grateful for having in my life.
That day I cried for a very long time - the experience was truly painful. It was a pain, I soon found out, that I needed to feel. After all those tears came hope. I saw in my children bravery - courage- grit - and most importantly the desire to do better, to succeed. Yes, quality traits that I know will guide them to making all the right decisions needed in their life. They are out there exploring the world, growing - rather than staying stuck in a protective bubble of settling.
As for me, it wasn't long before I realized while that I missed my children - their company, I wasn't lonely. I was okay being by myself. Before heading down my path towards healing, this much time alone with myself would have driven me crazy or into a depression. That did not happen. Sometimes, I guess, you do not realize how far you've traveled until you are forced to only look ahead.
With this new sense of freedom, this new chapter - I started reevaluating many relationships in my life and realizing I was holding on to some just for the sake of appearances. Soon I found myself cutting those ties. 'Why allow in my life people I do not trust nor respect, especially when I know they do not respect me?' - was the question I found myself repeating over and over in my head. If you think about it, why do we do that? I see it all the time on social media, people being friends with others that you know they do not like. How silly is that? Why all the pretending? Why do we, as adults, allow juvenile social/peer pressure to dictate our lives when it comes to things like that? That is how victims act. So, I cut ties...I deleted some and blocked others. It was freeing. All those years of advising other survivors about boundaries and healthy relationships, I was embracing the concept as I was actively enforcing my own lines in the sand. Putting an end to some drama not needed in my life. As one young observer of my life said, I was on the path of "just chuck it in the fuck it bucket, and moving on." She's a wise and observant young woman ;) -
So, to my fellow survivors of abuse - you can thrive by letting go. It will be painful, momentarily - but, well worth every emotion felt. It is those types of pains needed to be felt to allow the needed room for growth.
I do not know where this new chapter will lead - where my children will end up and where I will now that I am Eva, truly just.. Eva. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and soon that reason for the pages turning will be revealed. Until then..we forge ahead.
Be well.
But...before I leave...a PROUD MAMA moment - my Baby Boy doing what he does best just days after landing in Memphis!
My last post was about that new chapter. At the time I wrote the post I was hesitant in what was about to be, but now I realize that what happened when they left, needed to be ..
Kyle, my youngest, is where he needs to be - in Memphis, TN. A new home for him that I believe has been calling his name since the day his old soul was born. As of February, he has been down there- 10 hours from me, making his own way in pursuing his passions, playing his guitar. He doesn't just "play" he speaks using those strings on his instrument of choice. It is how he tells his life story - all the emotions he has kept deep within him. All the losses he suffered as a young boy and all those dreams he imagined in his head as he provided his own shield from an outside world that often felt cold. I believe in destiny - that Everything Happens for a Reason - and he is now living out the reasons on why as a young child he suffered the trauma of domestic violence shattering his family, tearing apart his once safe world. At 18 years old Kyle is far wiser than his young years.
And then, there's Justin. Sweet innocent Justin with so much love to give. My eldest child is with his younger brother and by all rights, his best friend. Together they are in Memphis with Kyle's friend Gabe. Gabe is pretty much like a brother to both Kyle and Justin. All three of them together on a new adventure and now Justin is finally experiencing the freedom to be who he was born to be. Justin has always had courage, a bravery like I've never seen before. From the day he was born hurdles were placed in his path and he has conquered them all, staying innocent and willing to give anyone a chance. Mild cerebral palsy..epilepsy...learning disabilities .. and even bursting out of a protective closet embracing a path that was not chosen, all while having no regrets for what has been laid out before him. Yes, bravely innocent. I don't know how else to describe my 1st born.
The day they drove away it was a cold February morning. The snow was falling. It would be the first time in our lives we would be separated for any real length of time. After they drove away, I walked back into the silence of my house and that is when it hit me - I let out a scream of pain like I never have before. I could feel the emptiness all the way to my core. Both my children leaving me all at once was almost too much to handle. We've been through so much together - learned so much from one another. Suffered through a trauma together while we walked the path of healing hand in hand. Our bond is one there are no words for as well as one I will always be grateful for having in my life.
That day I cried for a very long time - the experience was truly painful. It was a pain, I soon found out, that I needed to feel. After all those tears came hope. I saw in my children bravery - courage- grit - and most importantly the desire to do better, to succeed. Yes, quality traits that I know will guide them to making all the right decisions needed in their life. They are out there exploring the world, growing - rather than staying stuck in a protective bubble of settling.
As for me, it wasn't long before I realized while that I missed my children - their company, I wasn't lonely. I was okay being by myself. Before heading down my path towards healing, this much time alone with myself would have driven me crazy or into a depression. That did not happen. Sometimes, I guess, you do not realize how far you've traveled until you are forced to only look ahead.
With this new sense of freedom, this new chapter - I started reevaluating many relationships in my life and realizing I was holding on to some just for the sake of appearances. Soon I found myself cutting those ties. 'Why allow in my life people I do not trust nor respect, especially when I know they do not respect me?' - was the question I found myself repeating over and over in my head. If you think about it, why do we do that? I see it all the time on social media, people being friends with others that you know they do not like. How silly is that? Why all the pretending? Why do we, as adults, allow juvenile social/peer pressure to dictate our lives when it comes to things like that? That is how victims act. So, I cut ties...I deleted some and blocked others. It was freeing. All those years of advising other survivors about boundaries and healthy relationships, I was embracing the concept as I was actively enforcing my own lines in the sand. Putting an end to some drama not needed in my life. As one young observer of my life said, I was on the path of "just chuck it in the fuck it bucket, and moving on." She's a wise and observant young woman ;) -
So, to my fellow survivors of abuse - you can thrive by letting go. It will be painful, momentarily - but, well worth every emotion felt. It is those types of pains needed to be felt to allow the needed room for growth.
I do not know where this new chapter will lead - where my children will end up and where I will now that I am Eva, truly just.. Eva. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and soon that reason for the pages turning will be revealed. Until then..we forge ahead.
Be well.
But...before I leave...a PROUD MAMA moment - my Baby Boy doing what he does best just days after landing in Memphis!
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