Fragilely Vintage

I am getting cranky.
Just after getting over a sinus infection I catch a nasty virus.
Over a month of cold meds in me.
Winter is looming.
Holidays are coming in quick -
I am less than a month away from turning 50
And, my boys are a 10 hour drive away from me.

Where did the time go?

I am not going to pretend that I am handling this stage in my life well. I don't have the energy for such a performance...I am fragilely vintage.

To top things off this has been a rather emotionally trying year. It all started with my boys pulling away in that wreck of a van. It was a cold and snowy day at the end of January. Both my children, all at once, moving away from the nest. I still feel the ache, 9 months later.

From that point on, this year, it has been an emotional roller coaster ride. Death has taken family members and friends. A dear friend skirted it.

Professionally, there have been some unexpected challenges and much needed, overdue, changes.

This year has left me winded one too many times.

I have to tell myself that this is a phase - a transitional point where I must learn to let go and focus on myself. Whatever.

When I look in the mirror, I can see still a little girl with so many dreams yet to reach. I wonder if others see the same in their own reflections.

When I see young people wasting their potential I have to fight the urge to scream at them to stop acting like an effing yahoo. My father comes out of me in times like that.

I've learned a lot about myself this year -
I can survive.
The ache of missing loved ones means my life has been blessed more than I ever realized.
My boys, are in fact, my greatest accomplishments. They are mature, responsible, and respectful young persons. Cycles have been broken.
Alone time is good.
Too much alone time, is bad.
I don't like the number 50. I will not pretend. I will not go into it gracefully. It sucks. I will be kicking and screaming all the way to November 23rd - Why it happens to fall on Thanksgiving? ...that is my twisted ironic luck.
Vintage can still be cute -


And so....another chapter is about to begin.