The spring of my living years

Finally, spring is here. The calendar claims it has been spring for over a month now, but our weather battled that transition from the cold days of winter to a budding new day, finally-now-we can say that spring is truly here. The air is warmer, the spring rains are falling and the flowers are starting on their journey to one day, soon, fully blossoming. I may have some stressors of yesteryear clinging on but every day now when I leave the house and walk outside I can smell and feel the air of new beginnings all around me, including in myself.

I said early on as 2017 turned to 2018 that I could sense this would be a year of transitions, a year of changes. With each day passing, I am noticing something within me-I am getting stronger in walking towards goals I've held close to me for years. Ambitions that once I felt were just dreams and distractions to get me through some rough times. I think the turning point was finally accepting to be patient with myself, something I tell many women on the path of healing is the key- patience and accepting yourself as you are, that whole person at the center of all your memories and life experiences, all those accomplishments and all those mistakes.  It sounds easy to do but truly it is something that takes time.

When I started this blog I did so out of anger. It was back during a huge rut in my life's path. I was tired of the rumors and gossip- I was hurting knowing that people whispered about something, a nightmare in my life, that they were clueless about. That hurt turned to anger. An anger that ate away at me releasing that rebel we all have within us, "If they're going to talk about me, then I will give them something to talk about."  Little did I know then that this blog would turn into a personal diary of sorts where I willingly left it open for the world to read. All those secrets of a once victim surfaced as my fingers took to the keyboard, relaying life events, my frustrations and also exposing the vulnerable and scared little girl I carried deep and protected deep in my soul.

The other night I looked back at this blog and read posts I haven't seen in years. Posts that I had forgotten about immediately after writing them - many of which I never went back to edit typos or fragmented thoughts. Reading it all again was the equivalent of going through a box from my childhood and finding a journal -

"I remember that!" "Did I really write that, what was I thinking?"  Truth is, those postings were more about what I was feeling not about what I was thinking.

Did it stop people from talking? No, they still do. But, it did help me to emotionally get to a point where I just really do not give a damn like I once did about the gossip, the rumors, and the ignorant judgments. All that truly matters is that I can wake up every day and try to keep on a path of healing, living, surviving, and thriving.

Reading those posts I was comforted in knowing that one day my future grandchildren and great-grandchildren, will know from where they come. They will never have to wonder about their father's family - they will also know that no matter what life throws at you, it doesn't mean it is the end of the world. My children didn't have that - my parents passed on early in their lives, Kyle (my youngest) never even knew his grandfather. As for their paternal grandparents, well, they ended all contact (for the most part) when my children's father went to prison for his crimes against the boys and I. Grandparents' Day at school was something the boys never looked forward to -it was a reminder of all the loss in their young lives. I never want my future grandchildren to feel such an emptiness in their childhood - so, if my time comes to move from this life to the afterlife before I have a chance to know them, I will always rest assured that they will know my voice, my life, their family heritage in the pages of the blog.  The generational cycle of keeping family secrets and shame locked away is no more. I never want any of them to feel like they must protect skeletons and pretend they are perfect. We're all flawed - all of us - own it - share - and grow.

Sometimes looking back gives you the strength and courage to take the next steps forward. At least I've found that when I reflect and realize everything we've been through already it gives me the hope and the motivation to make more steps forward in this Great Adventure of life.

Those were the thoughts I had the other night as I reflected back reading this blog's archives.  Those years when I wrote almost daily had been feeling like living in a fog where I was reaching out for any sign of hope. Lately, I've found myself saying that quite a bit
that I've felt like I am now walking out of the fogginess of the past decade - finding myself living in an empty nest and my fledglings flying free and soaring - my beautiful boys showing the world the strength and courage they attained in that foggy environment of a childhood.

Those boys' childhoods played out on the pages of this blog - all the dark days, their shenanigans, and their growth. I smiled quite a few times reading those memories. Justin owns his truth and lives his life openly as the person he was born to be and Kyle shares his raw emotions performing music that reaches into other's souls. I may be still struggling a bit to find my way as an empty nester but they are proving life is grand when you're true to yourself.
Yes, we're all now in a spring chapter in the book of our lives. Where it takes us all, I am not sure - but I do know whatever happens it will be memorable and I will more than likely keep sharing it all in postings to this blog - our family diary.  It may shock some as they read - some may judge - others may find comfort - a couple may feel less alone, and then there will always be those looking for ammo to use for hate-filled gossip, but really, all that matters to me is as long as I am writing and sharing, it means I am still living not just existing to be forgotten.


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