The spring of my living years
Finally, spring is here. The calendar claims it has been spring for over a month now, but our weather battled that transition from the cold days of winter to a budding new day, finally-now-we can say that spring is truly here. The air is warmer, the spring rains are falling and the flowers are starting on their journey to one day, soon, fully blossoming. I may have some stressors of yesteryear clinging on but every day now when I leave the house and walk outside I can smell and feel the air of new beginnings all around me, including in myself.
I said early on as 2017 turned to 2018 that I could sense this would be a year of transitions, a year of changes. With each day passing, I am noticing something within me-I am getting stronger in walking towards goals I've held close to me for years. Ambitions that once I felt were just dreams and distractions to get me through some rough times. I think the turning point was finally accepting to be patient with myself, something I tell many women on the path of healing is the key- patience and accepting yourself as you are, that whole person at the center of all your memories and life experiences, all those accomplishments and all those mistakes. It sounds easy to do but truly it is something that takes time.
The other night I looked back at this blog and read posts I haven't seen in years. Posts that I had forgotten about immediately after writing them - many of which I never went back to edit typos or fragmented thoughts. Reading it all again was the equivalent of going through a box from my childhood and finding a journal -
"I remember that!" "Did I really write that, what was I thinking?" Truth is, those postings were more about what I was feeling not about what I was thinking.
Did it stop people from talking? No, they still do. But, it did help me to emotionally get to a point where I just really do not give a damn like I once did about the gossip, the rumors, and the ignorant judgments. All that truly matters is that I can wake up every day and try to keep on a path of healing, living, surviving, and thriving.
Those were the thoughts I had the other night as I reflected back reading this blog's archives. Those years when I wrote almost daily had been feeling like living in a fog where I was reaching out for any sign of hope. Lately, I've found myself saying that quite a bit
that I've felt like I am now walking out of the fogginess of the past decade - finding myself living in an empty nest and my fledglings flying free and soaring - my beautiful boys showing the world the strength and courage they attained in that foggy environment of a childhood.
Those boys' childhoods played out on the pages of this blog - all the dark days, their shenanigans, and their growth. I smiled quite a few times reading those memories. Justin owns his truth and lives his life openly as the person he was born to be and Kyle shares his raw emotions performing music that reaches into other's souls. I may be still struggling a bit to find my way as an empty nester but they are proving life is grand when you're true to yourself.