Focus
Focus
Focus
Focus....
Then there are all the new symptoms...symptoms that started appearing last year and have been rapidly increasing over the last few months. Symptoms that have had the doctor checking me for cancer because that would have made sense...not having it and still having all these symptoms, doesn't. I never take the easy road.
Now is the wait to get into the rheumatologist. All the medical experts are pointing his way, again. He'll have all the answers! But, unfortunately, it is a long wait to get an appointment....a very long wait. Mine is set for January. I made it in September.
Here's a twist. I got an offer on the house with a closing date of 12/14 and a request from me to vacate between then and 12/30....meaning that I will be on my way to Memphis. All to be with my boys and to get out from under debt. It will also mean to get on insurance again, to restart the process in Memphis - a positive is they have some great hospitals there and I wouldn't need to drive almost 80 miles to see a rheumatologist. Plus, it is warmer there....the cold in Wisconsin is sucking the energy and life out of my joints.
I have all of that spinning in my mind, including that upcoming surgery. Ignorant me, I thought removing the parotid gland would be a simple procedure...in and out, the same day. Well, I was wrong. It can take anywhere between 2 to 6 hours plus. I will be spending at least one night in the hospital, maybe more. There will be an irritating, mind-numbing, recovery period...including being outfitted with a drain sticking out of my face....JOY!
Focus
Focus
Focus
I have put the boys in charge of finding a house rental in Memphis. It would need to be a large home with 4 bedrooms. Thankfully, the cost of living down there is lower than it is here in rural Wisconsin. I need the larger rental because it will serve as a fresh start for many people, including myself.
The boys need a break - the moment they left Wisconsin to Memphis with hardly any money and all for a musician's dream, they took on a tremendous amount of stress. I want them to have some breathing room - it is important. Kyle is going into the studio next month to record an all original album. He needs to focus on that and then marketing it when it comes out - he needs to focus on his dream. Gabe also needs to concentrate on some goals. He is looking towards working with children and their mental health. With the breathing room of security, he can make some necessary steps, including volunteering...
Then there's Justin, my diva first born Baby Boy. It is time for him to focus on his dream and helping to make people feel beautiful - realize their own beauty. He wants to go into cosmetology and/or fashion. He's been so supportive of his brother...it is his time to shine.
They all deserve some breathing room. It is long overdue.
Needless to say that all of this, along with this year resigning from the paper, has me spinning.
Then there is the #WhenIBecameFree project. Placing all my energies into all summer long paid off. There's more to this project than people know. There have been some remarkable women who have stepped out of the shadows to tell their stories, but in addition to them, there are others who decided that telling their story to one person was enough for their healing - I have met with quite a few of them and worked with them to help discover the core of their trauma, in doing so they now honor their history rather than running in shame from it all.
That is the beauty of owning your truth, you honor that child who was harmed and always felt like was lost. Once you do that you realize that child you once were had still been protecting you in ways they only knew. Now it is time for you to fly free, together.
Our county has no shelter for survivors to run to - the closest is in another county and depending on where you live, that can be over a 50-mile ride. Where does someone go at midnight, where do they flee to? One came to my doorstep.
It was about 4 weeks ago, maybe 5 when a survivor I had been working with phoned in the middle of the night with nowhere to go. She was being kicked out of where she had been staying. It is rather a long story but happens more often than not.
People have good intentions but unfortunately, if they don't understand trauma, especially complex PTSD where multiple traumas endured have burned into a soul, they will not understand a survivor in the early stages of healing. Good intentions can turn into judgments and attempts to control something they don't understand. Throw in that it is someone with a medical disability, well, things can get more complicated.
That is a summary of the situation leading to a survivor calling me in the middle of the night seeking out shelter. This time I did something that most have advised me not to - open my doors.
I am grateful I did. Every night, in my living room, we have therapy couch. I have seen a remarkable change in her and in return, she is able to help me do all the things right now I am unable to do due to being ill.
Everything Happens for a Reason.
She offered up her car to pick-up Kyle in Memphis and bring him home to record a performance for an upcoming Christmas special on a local channel here in Juneau County. We drove over 11 hours with two dogs in the back seat just to get him. We spent one night in his 1 bedroom apartment he shares with my other son, Justin, and also Gabe. The next day we returned home...another 11 hours only to get 4 hours of sleep before he performed at an event for the #WhenIBecameFree project. It was just thirty-six hours later we all packed up her car (including the dogs) to return him to Memphis. This time we stayed at their apartment for three days. It was an interesting little get-away during a rather chaotic time.
Georgia, the survivor staying with me, is ready to start anew. Sometimes the best thing a survivor can do is walk away from the triggers of their surrounding and taste freedom. She's done that and now wants to build a new life
Georgia is going with to Memphis, the boys already call her Mom #2. Then there's my best friend from Oregon. He was to move in here a year and a half ago, but issues with his elderly mother prevented that from happening. We're now looking at him possibly coming down to Memphis in the spring.
I know it seems like a lot and too many people - but, here's the thing, for us - it is family coming together to support one another during a new stage in life for all of us....new beginnings. For me, being around family...especially my boys, is healing. We have a very special relationship - we're extremely close but independent enough that we all go our own ways, and when together all of our gifts are heightened. I am an extremely lucky mom to have such a relationship with my children and the family that has been created out of a trauma suffered and healing taking place.
So, yes, there has been quite a bit going on and those new meds are not helping with my focus and concentration. It has been hard to sit down and write - I look at the screen of my laptop and nothing comes out. Today was the first time in about a month since I have been able to get something out of me, and even now it is random thoughts and ramblings.
I am hoping that this weekend or next week while I am recovering from surgery that I can get back to the #WhenIBecameFree project and finish up the book. I also want to start blogging about some topics that have come up in the past month, including sex and being a survivor. It is a very important topic that often is dismissed. Enough of that...
So....that has been my life for the past month or so, another Great Adventure!
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