Moving forward - ramblings
It was just a few days ago when those memories flooded in and ever since they have been playing over and over in my head. Sure, there have been the ones I would like to forget and for the last decade have done my best to erase the trauma, but inter-mixed are the good ones, the ones a mother's heart will always cherish. Kyle, my youngest, was just 4-years-old when we moved to Wisconsin and Justin, my eldest, was 9 years old.
In 2002 when we moved from the suburban Chicago area up to Juneau County, Wisconsin, it was my mother, my husband, my children and myself - the five of us. My mother has since passed on, my once husband of 18 years is out of my life, and my boys are grown men living out of the house. It is just I who is left in the house from the original 5.
In just two weeks it will be the first time in my life that I have made a major decision such as to uproot my life and move, on my own - a decision for myself as a single woman. It only took 51 years in the making.
It is nerve-wracking, to say the least.
This year has been quite the year of change, non-stop change.
I resigned from the paper knowing that doing so meant it would most likely close. A lot went into that decision - my health, the need to get on insurance that wouldn't cause me a lifetime of debt - the need to finally have some closure at the paper - closure that had been long over-due. Those in the know - know.
After a talking to from a person I know, this year I did put my health first. Right now I am recovering from a surgery that was and has been needed for at least 6 years. A parotidectomy for a tumor that was about the size of a baseball. Most people have the surgery when the tumor is pea-sized, not me - I wait until I push that envelope as far as I could get it to go and because of that I will have a longer than normal recovery from nerve pain as I wait for one of those nerves to return to normal size and the rawness on the inside of my face to heal.
I also have some more answers and clues as to why my health spiraled out of control the last two years and once settled after the move I will seek out specialists in Memphis to help me find a way to live a quality life, rather than pretending everything is ok when I know it is not.
As I do that and move forward in a new area building a new life, a new friend will also be rebuilding her life after surviving domestic violence and sexual assault. She is a friend who came into my life as a survivor needing help and walking out from a crisis. I let her stay with me and at the same time, her stay was perfect timing in helping me get through surgery and a move. Funny how life works.
As much as I hate to admit it, the house I am leaving gratefully behind, saved my life. It kept a roof over my sons' heads. When poverty and a life after domestic violence took over, it was the one consistent and stable thing we could count on, a home. I was unable to do everything - I was unable to keep up with repairs and the destruction of raising boys with a panache for inventions and tearing things apart - but as I exit this worn out vault of memories, the selling of it is getting me out of a financial debt that a huge unexpected curveball of life threw at me - I will walk away with my bills paid - a decade tally of being a single mom on the heal.
I got through it all just in the nick of time.
All at the same time - I am scared and excited - I am tired and energized.
My life in Wisconsin was hard but needed. This is where I learned to put myself first...where I discovered my backbone and where I learned to heal from a past littered with the aches of being a survivor of child sexual assault, domestic violence and sexual assault as an adult. This is where I started respecting myself and trusting my instincts. This is where I learned to trust others for the right reasons and not trust everyone for the wrong reasons. This is where I learned that no matter what or how hard I try, I will make mistakes, and that is okay - that is how I grow. This is where I learned to make and stick to boundaries and not apologize for doing so. This is where I learned to actually look at my reflection in the mirror and love myself for who I am and what I have survived. My life in Wisconsin was needed, even if my marriage ended in a violent trauma - my healing has helped to give way to a new life, the one I live for myself so I can nurture those relationships I cherish the most.
This is where I learned that life is about the memories created - make them ones that count.
So, ladies, pay attention - there is hope, hold on to that glimmer of light and never let go. You will get through the tests, you will make it even when it feels like you're on that failing slide, somehow if you can just hold on to the hope - forgive yourself and keep moving forward, you WILL have a new day for the You that is waiting to break free and take flight.
If I can do it, so can you!
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