Static
I spent so many years being goal oriented to get through adversity I didn't realize that I skipped the most important part, making sure my health was first on the list.
"Get these my kids through childhood without too many more scars and then I can take care of..."
"Get through this day and I can sleep tonight.."
I focused on the kids, my job, and trying to get services for survivors of trauma in a county where words often fell on deaf ears. I did a lot with very little energy in my reserves.
IT was ALL needed, I have no regrets- none - even as I shake off the sting of self neglect -no regrets even as now it is time for another lesson to conquer. A lesson by my own doing, ignoring that voice in me that was about me and for me, not others.
I knew I entered the rat race of surviving with deficits in my health that needed addressing. I knew I was walking the tight rope of time wavering. I knew it and I ignored it. I had spent too many years being embarrassed and hating that my health always got in the way of life and has since I was a child. Others never knew to what extent. I kept a lot inside, under lock and key.
As I sit here writing this I am holding back tears - tears that I've held back for decades, especially the last one. It's been a road, a twisty road with many potholes, and the exhaustion I feel is very real.
By the time I was able to focus on my health, it had made sure I heard the call, loudly. It had gotten to the point that walking and standing was often accomplished by shear stubborn willpower not to let others see my physical vulnerabilities. I don't know why I had it in my head like that, but I will say my father's words often played over and over in my head. Words he shared with me when he was in despair with his failing health- he worried what others would think of him, a large and visually strong man - not working, not providing support to his family but rather needing others to support him. It broke him, those worries,,,they took him down the path of depression and to the point his mind broke down, nerves following closely. He had a literal mental breakdown - and I, the daughter who loved him so very much, watched his fall. I witnessed that nervous breakdown and it scared the hell out of me. Still does.
Being my father's daughter, I was determined to not to allow that to happen to me. You see people don't and didn't understand my journey in regard to my health and when I did try to explain that lifetime struggle they would look at me as if I was making it all up. I appeared strong to them, they couldn't see my spine falling apart. They didn't know I was a walking around with so much scar tissue from previous surgeries from having organs removed, nor that my insides held together with wire and mesh. I was constantly in pain, somewhere- and especially when my mysterious autoimmune condition would flare.
To hear my medical history is a lot to take in, believe me, I know. Even now, after. spending the last few years fighting for healthcare and Social Security Disability, I have a hard time understanding it all. To be honest I am pissed off about it all and the brick wall it created in my life, many times over.
These years were supposed to be my time. The prize at the end of the rainbow..my time to live just for myself and no one else needing me to survive. My time to travel and explore life - have adventures.
God had other plans.
Well, this is my reintroduction to this blog of mine. The one I started so many years ago and treated like an online journal. I needed it then, and I am finding I am needing it again.
Right now I am on a three month self induced break from doctors, from being pinged ponged between specialists and from hearing from neurosurgeons that they can't offer a lot for me because of the condition of my spine - it's pretty messed up and has been for a very long time. I was born with a congenital defect which caused instability in.a body plagued with autoimmune disorder inflammation.
I'm dealing with it all while on SSDI and having medicaid - oh Lord, you wanna talk about stress? Dealing with preauthorizations getting denied by a computer in our country's health insurance directed healthcare...dealing with that is an entire other issue that needs to be exposed.
During this hiatus I want to come to terms with my need for mobility assistance, I despise using walkers and canes and yes I know that is something I need to dissect and face for it's truths, my truths.
Also, what do I do with the rest of my life?
I just don't know.
There is so much static.
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