Perhaps it hit me so hard because I knew that at any time my children and I could have...or still could...end up homeless - it could easily be my child waking up on Christmas...cold...shivering...and feeling forgotten. I am the type of person that needs to "make sense" out of the trauma that life can throw a person's way. That no form of suffering should ever be in vain...go unnoticed...and without some positive outcome. That this life on Earth has some other purpose than just going through the motions...
Had I known then what I know now - I'd wouldn't have changed the direction I took - I can honestly say that despite the long haul it has been - the bullshit attitudes that had to be faced and dealt with; "Those people are lazy" ....."They're leeches of the system" .....etc...etc.. I wouldn't change a thing.
I believe it is because of my rather active political background, I dealt with the comments and judgments that it all must be...everything I was doing...was because I wanted to run for office...or...I want to oust those in office now by pointing a bad light on them. "Damn liberal do-gooder!"
I can honestly say that all that I've been accused of ...rumored about....taken aim at for...are people bearing false witness - my pure ...simple....intent...that motivating factor for the last 18 months stems from that first motivating thought I had and how no child should wake up cold - they should not suffer at the hands of an adult world out of control...whether the adult is their parent...their community...their society...their world. That's it folks...that's the only reason I ventured down this path...it's the only reason I've stayed true to it.
I'm sorry if that bursts some conspiracy thought bubble...but this has never been about the powers that be - they are not worth the sacrifice that has been involved.
You see through this all I've also been able to pave a road of healing for my own children that have gone without these last few years. It would have been so easy for them...for me....to fall down that spiral of self pity and anger - to allow the reality of once being a happy family to what seemed like overnight and the three of us alone - eating night after night in a row pancakes or oatmeal for dinner until I swallowed what pride I had left and applied for assistance myself.
The degrading...demeaning process of going from having it all to losing everything you once held dear...
Well, no wonder depression is rampant - why people get frozen in a state of inaction - it's because when the mountain of barriers...trauma....crisis...surrounds a person --envelopes them...how are they suppose to find the strength when they can't see nor breath...?
So, yes, this road has been to also help my children to see what they do have - and for the things they don't - how they are not alone....and perhaps, even for me that was a lesson I needed to learn.
Unfortunately, or fortunately...depends on your perception ...while I walked that road I had to keep food on the table, and a roof over my own children's heads...and to do so I did it by writing articles ...those articles sometimes did in fact tell stories that some of those powers that be didn't like. The joys of being a reporter...they either love you...or they hate you. Couple that with small town living...and me being basically that outsider that broke through some walls...well, you, I am sure, get the picture. It's a picture that has surfaced in many areas across this country - politics - "All things to be considered must be political"
And yes, there is even the time I actively took part in a protected right to voice my displeasure with an elected official. An official who took an action that had ...or could have..had a direct impact on my child, his schools and his teachers. I then, and still today, believe an elected office and the power given to him by voters was abused - yet another path I walked which I wouldn't change if given the opportunity - A path that had nothing to do with the other aspects of my life, the things I volunteer for -one has nothing to do with the other, and because my intent has always been pure...no hidden agendas - I wear my heart, and soul on my sleeve - always have, always will.
Those who are in the know will understand why I needed to write this. Those who aren't....well..perhaps one day the story will be told. I do know this, the one thing I have left...even if I was to ever lose what little I do have now...will be my voice. As long as I have a breathe left in my body my voice will remain my own. The only popularity contest I am in is the one that is contained in the reflection in my mirror - pure and simple - flaws and all -
I also know that the life ahead of me has adventures yet to be taken. It's who I am. It's how I make sense out of things I've experienced and lived through. For me, it's how the pieces of the puzzle come together in my life and create a picture that one day when and if I am ever that old lady sitting in my rocking chair with my cat on my lap ...I can remember the beauty that comes from struggle and how I always tried instead of just walking by or turning my back.
My life will take me to new places - it has to. I have many dreams left to conquer and deserve to have them fulfilled. When those new adventures are to be, who knows, but when the time is right, they will happen. Until the bricks for that road can be placed...a new direction - a life waiting to take place...
It is what it is...
For those wanting to find more...sorry, but as I said before...no hidden agendas....no political aspirations...There's no need to take aim at the innocent while attempting to target me. There's also no need to to assume my intent...
Pure and simple
I wear it on my sleeve...ya should know that by now - I mean really!
nothing more...nothing less....
It is what it is.............
Comments