This week, and all of the events that have happened..including about an hour ago when my driver's side window finally went completely off track and fell to the inner depths of the door....and as dark clouds looked overhead.....memories of those games...Old Maid...and Booby Trap came flooding back -
You may not understand why, but inside my head where twisted sarcasm plays...it all makes sense.
Earlier this week I wrote about the child support hearing -- well, in the end all turned out okay, and I walked away keeping that 10 dollars every 2 weeks coming my way.
I had a chance to breathe....for a bit
You see I've been putting off something, something important and mainly because I just couldn't cope with having to handle one more thing in the last few weeks. I needed to remove some layers of stress so my mind could focus.
So, I made it through the court hearing....I made it through deadline day and some other things that needed my attention...and then on Wednesday I allowed myself to focus on that weird feeling I've been having in my left breast.
A few weeks back...how many I cannot remember...I noticed that my breast felt odd - a bit firmer and just odd. Now, I've have had these puppies since I was basically since I was 9yrs old, so I know them well.
I've also been noticing an ache in my left arm, underarm. It comes and goes - so I thought...and still do think it's all stress related.
But Wednesday I performed what every one of us women should be doing on a regular basis...a self breast exam...and that is when I felt it, at least I thought I felt something - a lump. That is also when I paid attention to some of the pigmentation on the breast...and notice a weird change in just one area.
I told myself I was being paranoid...it's all from stress.
But, I also told myself, that it's time to make that appointment to have a mammogram. I've been putting it off long enough - I turn 44 in just a couple of months and have yet to have one.
I don't care who you are.....how many "happy" thoughts you convince yourself to have ...how positive your outlook on life is....something like this will speak to you the concern we all fear....even if you try to ignore it...it's there.
So, me being the difficult stubborn person I am, I begrudgingly made a call to the doctor's office. I had a plan...I was just going to see if she would schedule a mammogram first, since I need one anyway, and then I would come in for the office visit. It was my way of avoiding dealing with the fact ..I HATE ANYTHING MEDICAL...
Well, that message never was returned. So, today I phoned the office and was reminded that she is on sabbatical until the first of the year.
"Really? Don't you think someone COULD HAVE SAID THAT WHEN I LEFT THE MESSAGE A DAY AND HALF AGO????"
Yes, the worse patient in history was rearing her ugly head and attitude once again. I am not going to go through the valid reasons why I've earned that title...but suffice to say - IT'S MINE!
I once again explained why I was calling - and this time I was told how I really needed to be seen by another doctor asap - and, no, they would not schedule the mammogram first....
Hey, at least I tried.
They had me come straight to clinic and fit me in between other patients.
Needless to say anxiety and panic set in...and no, not because of the boob thing...because of the doctor thing. Some people freak out over spiders...I freak out over doctors. It is what it is!
So. I will leave the gory details of having my breasts manipulated by a stranger....this blog is not one of those type blogs!
But I will say, I was told my concern was warranted - he couldn't say anything other than that and that - he did say it, the lump, was not as obvious as others he has felt.
I already knew I was going to be told that...after all one of my greatest skills is research - What do you want to know about breasts? I can tell you everything after spending the last 48 hours Googling the night away.
I know this can be something minute , and then yes, I know that the underarm pain and the pigmentation in that one area could very well be something to be concerned about...not to mention the other symptoms
So, Monday I have to go back in for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultra sound. It was too late on a Friday to have one day today.
Yeah, Monday -
It's gonna be one hell of a weekend.
I told my boys that I need to get "some work" done. I agonized over that decision, but placed myself in their shoes - If I was them, I would want to know rather than IF something IS wrong (which...I KNOW I will kick the sh!T out of it) than dumping it all on them at once wouldn't be fair. They take after me...there would be hell to pay.
And, if this is nothing other than what I told them is called "Old Lady Boob Syndrome" - then my boys learned a valuable lesson for when they are married, and may one day have daughters - a lesson of awareness.
The same lesson I believe I needed to learn -
Pay attention and care for yourself and make sure the women in your life are doing the same.
So ladies...mammograms at the age of 40 --- just do it.
Do those self breast exams on a monthly basis....
And if you're anything like me you need to do this even if you think you don't, make a list of priorities - and, please, be sure to put your name at the top! If you don't...no one else will.
And to my friends in my day to day world...please understand...I AM ...and WILL be FINE!
After all...I am a survivor
There's some weird irony in the timing of this no matter what the tests show next Monday...as in a week, the month of October - well it's a pretty significant awareness month for not only Domestic Violence but also Breast Cancer - Yes...I am paying attention...and so should you!!