whatever - it is what it is."

Yes, once again, it's been a while since I've written. And, once again, there are many reasons for it. The last month has been a personal medical hell. Doctor visits, and medical tests...all of which tested my patience with myself, and the medical profession.

This road started with my left breast taking on a new appearance and larger size....now, not in a million years would I have imagined that 5 weeks later I would be learning it's an autoimmune disorder. Some good news to that all is it wasn't cancer - bad news, well - I will be dealing with this little battle within my system for the rest of my life. I guess you can say it's the epitome of "beating myself up." <--Something I am , after all, rather good at!

So far I am told I have what appears to be Rheumatoid Arthritis and possibly Lupus or Sjorgens disorder. In other words...my joints and connective tissue are being attacked by an immune system that doesn't realize the battle's over -It's gotta be that stubborn Prussian/German blood -thanks Daddy and Grandpa!

"whatever - it is what it is."

Currently I am on some strong medication...predisnone to take the swelling down..and pain meds to relieve the pain and counter act the insomnia and tendency to be hyper as a side effect of the predisnone. Nice, huh? Some pharmaceutical ceo is vacationing off of people like me - a 2 for 1 profit.

"whatever - it is what it is."

(I cannot even explain just how the last 5 weeks of trekking back and forth over 70 miles one way on a regular basis has impacted my financial and day to day life -seriously this is getting ridiculous! I think it's time to buy a lotto ticket...because SOMEONE is truly testing my nerves of steal and patience ...it's gotta be for a reason.....)

Here's one little bonus to this - evidently feeling like crap for the last 8+ months or so has all been part of this...and no, I wasn't gaining weight ...I was exploding with inflammation - since being on these meds I've lost weight....which is really odd because the one is suppose to do the opposite...

now here's a positive "whatever - it is what it is." (yay!)

We'll see what happens when this "blast dose" is over....will the swelling come back??? Will I behave at the next doctor's appointment??? Will I get a doctor/specialist who is ALL human and not a demi-god in their own eyes?? Time will tell...until then...

"whatever - it is what it is."

In the mean time I will keep doing all that I can...when I can...as I move forward in life. This is not the first time in my life I have had to deal with chronic pain, so I know I am more than capable of handling all of this. Having been hospitalized in my youth more times than I have fingers and toes ....all due to a spleen that ...well...took on a life of it's own....I know the routine well. Guess I can consider that my basic training.

All I do know is I still believe that everything happens for a reason - every time a new barrier...hurdle ...is placed before me - I hold on to that thought....it keeps me going - it makes me stronger - it helps to make sense out of some of the things I've experienced - it gives me purpose and helps me to understand and empathize with others who may feel lost when life seems just to be caving in a little too much on top of them.

No worries...thanks to Daddy and Grandpa - I have that stubborn Prussian/German blood coursing through my veins -- I am far from down and out for the count -

So please...remember...remember that when life throws these nasty curve balls aiming at your gut - don't stand there frozen in time waiting for it to knock you out...I mean really, how pathetic is that? Move forward ...and stay ahead of the curve....If I can - you can.

History Shrouded in Mold - Part 1

Sipping my morning coffee I sit on my bed looking out almost century old windows and into the backyards of my neighbors. This morning was no different. The sky is grey and there is a slight chill in the air, reminding me that outside that glass is another world filled with life and adventure, stories to tell and lessons to be learned...knowledge to be gained. In other words, hope. That sentiment brings back the emotions I felt as a little girl. Then, I sat on my bed looking out the massive Victorian era windows of the 3rd floor apartment we called home. It was in the mid 70s -Evanston, Illinois. I loved being able to see into the green of the trees that lined our street. Between the leaves and branches was another world playing out before my eyes. The birds, the squirrels and sometimes even a stray cat - they lived out a day in their life without ever knowing they had an audience taking in their story. I would spend a lot of time watching them and getting to know their personalit

A Pay it Forward Christmas...

The Christmas Clues came all month long.....a month filled with constant motion ..chaos...stress...and deep inside me the usual holiday dread. Those clues helped to divert my attention away from the emptiness that has been in me for the last few years.... Those memories of a large family coming together where I was the hostess for all the holiday feasts....the memories that usually remind me of the last few years and how much the boys and I have lost when domestic violence entered our home...and what destruction it left in it's wake. Yes, the clues had me looking forward to time that in the last three years or so I would wish I could close my eyes around mid-November and wake up on Jan 1st - yes, me...the one time overly merry hostess had turned bitter towards the holidays. This is the first year in a very long time that I have actually looked forward to Christmas.... That Secret Santa...and those elves....must have known that I was dreading another Christmas...another holiday in

Propane - Shame on you Inergy!

I know this isn't a typical post for me, but I guess with me not much is typical. The last couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time researching and learning about propane. Propane is something I never really thought about before because I never really used it - except, maybe, once in a great while for the gas grill rusting in my backyard. However, as I said, it's now a topic I have been spending my nights researching on the Net. The reason for this is because of a phone call I received a couple of weeks ago - the person on the other end of the phone told me that a company here in my area was about to charge $3.14 a gallon for propane, while all the others were running around $1.80 for a gallon. They explained that many people don't realize what was happening, and just how wrong they thought it all was. That call came in on a Tuesday morning, the week between Christmas and New Year's....a typically very slow news week, and one where at the paper (The Mes

Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out!

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