Half a decade later

Today is a significant day in my life. Today is five years to the day...date and day of the week...that my life changed forever - Five years ago today, August 13, 2007, my estranged husband - the man I was married to and with my entire adult life, decided for the last time to exert physical and emotional abuse against me and chose to do by sexually and physically assaulting me in front of my children.

It is a day that for the past five years has played over and over in mind. Every minute  - every second of it. I can still recall the morning I had that day...the way I rushed around to get some work done to the minute he walked into the house...my room...and the dread I felt in the pit of my stomach that something really bad was about to happen. From that point my children and their safety became my priority - we needed to get out and through it all...alive.

My life ...I....changed.

Looking back over the last five years can at times feel numbing.

Combating rumors while people whispered what they thought they knew -
Struggling to raise two boys alone in a world where so many judge before they ask -
A road to healing that was walked while also trying to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothing on our backs.

I learned how the justice systems works and where there is room for so many improvements.
I learned how to apply and navigate a system that is there to help a mom like me keep my children fed.
I've juggled two jobs at once while attending court hearings and therapy sessions...
I've spent countless hours wondering why all of this happened during one of the worst economic recessions in modern history - why did my slap of reality have be now?

I've learned a lot -

I've learned a lot about society -
Perseverance -

I am not going to place on my face a false smile and say some Chicken Soup for the Soul sentiment - it's not that easy and not every day has been a positive example of wholeness.

Breaking free from abuse is not a cake walk - doing so while bills pile up and you have less than ever before to work with...is not easy -

There's no sugar coating it. It's been rough on me and especially hard on my children.

We grieve for the life we once had - lived through - as we worked through the pain of healing

Somehow through it all we've gone from victims, to survivors and to now living without that fear looming over our heads that today could be our last.

Have all the tears and struggle been worth it?


I understand myself better now than I have ever before -
My heart has grown rather than been shut down and carted away -
I don't judge others like perhaps I once did -
I realize there's so much beyond surface I do not and will not ever know.

I've grown and continue to grow...

So yes - it's been worth it - half a decade later..............


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