I was fixing lunch today for my boys and I started thinking about the little things in my childhood that happened and set me up to becoming a victim more times in life than I would like to share.
Perhaps prompting those thoughts was a phone call I received yesterday evening from a male family member. Who is not important - what the communication was about, is.
He was attempting to insert himself into my life and in a roundabout ---controlling way...dictate to me my path as a survivor of domestic abuse and how I should "feel" in regard to my abuser.
Evidently what prompted that call was a letter he received from my now ex husband complaining about the lack of access he has to his children from time being spent in prison for a crime committed against me and them.
As I explained to this family member I've never kept the boys from their father - not once. If they choose to communicate, then they may do so - it must be their decision I will not force the issue one way or another. The boys know this and know I will support whatever choice they make - he is after all their father and I know a child will love their parent no matter what the past may be. I respect that.
Again, as in previous calls like this, the person went on to tell me (slurred speech) how I am not being forgiving and should make the boys contact him "because it's not easy sitting in prison. He's found God ya know? And, he is not a mass murderer!!"
Bam - punch to stomach happened! I sat there listening to twisted reasoning and attempted to explain my side of the story to someone who wanted control of my story - old habits die hard.
So this morning, as I was preparing lunch for the boys...something hit me... You see after I got off the phone last night.....more like after they hung up on me because I was being unreasonable in their mind....I cried my eyes out...like a baby. It even dawned on me that the conversation took place one week prior to the 6th anniversary of that final attack which led to my ex being in prison. All sorts of feelings ...emotions...surfaced...but they were not anger they were more me beating myself up feeling inadequate and doubts of knowing what was right for me.
It hit me this morning that those emotions were exactly the same ones I felt as a child when what people consider are now my strengths were focused on as "flaws"
For instance as a child I was told I was always "too damn sensitive" - now that quality is seen as a strength in me for being compassionate and the ability to connect and empathize with others. As a child I was told "You're just like your father and too damn stubborn!" Now I am seen as my father's daughter and driven! As a child I was "too damn smart for my own good!" Now I am seen as an intelligent woman! As a child I was told I talked too much and asked to many questions. As an adult woman I am seen as curious, creative and outspoken! ...etc..the list can go on and on..
Once I realized that and how my own perception of myself has changed from what I was taught to believe as a child it erased those negatives feelings that surfaced - those childhood impulses to believe what others said or implied on who I was as a person and that knee-jerk response wanting acceptance from anyone...including people who didn't have my best interest in mind and who were trying to control me...the very same lessons that set me up in becoming a victim too many times to mention here. Knowing this..realizing it for what it was meant I was back on the road of directing my own story!
Taking control of your story means YOU define who you are ...not others. Don't let others insert themselves, compose and direct your story - sometimes they are doing so because they don't know how to write their own. And for all of you who may think there are too many dark chapters in the novel of YOU....those dark chapters were written by others - it's time for you to start the happy ending and hopefully there are many chapters of life, love, and peace before the last word is written ...it's in your hands as long as you believe in yourself!
Time is now! Take back your control...take back your story! I am!
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