First Love Yourself - #WhenIBecameFree

Stay away from relationships. Yes, stay far away from them while you're in throws of healing with open wounds that are raw. I say that all the time, over and over, to some of the young women I know. I don't say it to sound wise or smart and I don't say it because I am bitter towards love - I say it because I speak from experience. I had my broken heart crushed into sand because I jumped too soon.

Long Story Short - 
I thought I had my life together. Sure, I was still struggling but I was working and raising my kids, on my own. My divorce had been final for 6 months - my ex was sitting in prison, serving out his sentence,  and I was actively healing from the wounds of domestic violence and sexual assault- every day I awoke with a positive attitude, or so I thought.

It was the summer of 2008 when I met David and he swept me off my feet. Tall, distinguished, and handsome. He had manager's position within a Wisconsin county government department, almost 2 hours from where I live.  He owned his own rural home and his kids were grown. He was the vision of security.

David made me laugh - a lot. Needless to say, I fell quick and it appeared he did too. There was even talk about the kids and I moving to his rural home.

There was one thing that nagged David about me....and that was my insecurities. I'd often make myself the butt of my own jokes, self-deprecating humor.  I would do it without even realizing I was insulting my own reflection.  He never laughed at those jokes.

He saw it as self-destruction. And he was right.

David broke it off ....a long story on how it all played out, but the end result was those insecurities were open wounds I still carried and the hope I saw in the future had just been shattered, spraying fine grade shards within me, within those wounds.

Sounds deep, eh? It was. I call that time the Winter of Hell. It all happened just a few weeks before the country went into a deep recession and the economy's bottom fell out. Feel bad for my best friend, Steve - he had to listen to me whine for months.

I wasn't ready for a relationship..David knew it, even if he caught on a little late. He told me if I couldn't trust and love myself, he wondered how I could trust and love someone else.

Now, had it been another man, one like my ex-husband, they wouldn't have cared that I was the butt of my own jokes or that I was still insecure. Just the mere fact of it all would have raised them above me, and the power that would have been handed to them would have controlled my self-doubts, spiraling them out of control. History, more than likely, would have repeated itself and some form of domestic violence would have been back in my life.

So while I experienced just about every emotion known to man when it comes to that time period in my life, in a way I am now grateful for David entering it when he did.  Being a single mom during that recession was tough, going through it with a broken heart made it tougher, but in the long run it forced me to look at myself even deeper than I ever did before. I could either feel sorry for myself or heal myself. There were no other options.  I needed to work on those insecurities and yes, I know firsthand how hard it is to do that - I am still learning to trust myself, my gut, but I can honestly say I do trust it now more times now than naught.

After the split we kept in contact.  He kept his physical distance but he also kept an eye on things. Friends will remember that purple van I had and drove into the ground. That was a gift from David, almost a year and a half after we went our separate ways. He caught wind I was without a car and one day offered me that van. So even though things didn't turn out like I would have wanted back then, I cannot say I regret David entering my life. Everything Happens for a Reason.

Moral of the Story 
If you're in the process of healing and still filled with self-doubts, work on you - not a romantic relationship.  You deserve the intense focus that is needed for healing.  Your children deserve a positive example.  Your future relationship will have a better chance at being long lasting and filled with love. That is the only way the cycles of the past can be broken.  If I can make it through the Winter of Hell - broken hearted and financially devastated, you can make it too.

If you don't allow the time for healing, then expect Murphy's Law...what can go wrong, will.


Popular Posts