Peer pressure, we've all been there and know how it can take hold of our decisions and our actions - it can get embedded into our psyche, especially if you're struggling with self respect and issues of trust. It should come as no surprise that right now in our country and because of national headlines are highlighting sexual assault and harassment, that there are women and men across this country dealing with survivor peer pressure - all while PTSD triggers are exploding all around them.
Today I had a emotional conversation with a woman dealing with her own triggers and survivor peer pressure. A couple of weeks ago she tracked me down at the paper. She lives in the Southwest and I reside in Wisconsin. She wanted to know about my #WhenIBecameFree project. She was contemplating telling her story - a story that goes back over 40 years and one she never openly spoke about. She is in her 70s.
I could sense the pressure she was internally struggling with - her words validated it all. "If I tell my story do I have to give out my name?" - "If I don't give out my name will people believe me?" - "I worry about family." "I feel like I need to do something." "Every time I hear the news the memories come back. I need to do something. I can't take it anymore."
Her abuser has passed away, but the nightmare he forced upon her, still thrives. We spoke for a short while and in the 20 minutes I could feel her story trying desperately to burst out but at the same time she was still drawn to protecting it - the fear of the unknown was real. If you've been carrying such a great pain for so long, you would probably feel the same..will it change, lessen, if you spewed it out, or will it cause more pain?
We're all different even though we understand the emptiness of carrying someone else's shame. Our paths towards healing will be unique - some of us may find healing only after seeking justice, others of us may need to find a support group, then there will be those of us who need to be creative - whether it be writing, drawing, music, dance, or acting. For many of us we will need a combination of outlets to lean on as we nurture our wounds, and it may be guided under the watchful eye of a mental health professional and medication to pull us through. Sadly, the symptoms of the crimes committed against us may have taken a strong hold through addictions, depression and/or self harm, so much so, no matter how hard we've cried and tried, self-worth will be elusive so we continue to be drawn to the gaslight in the next abuser. Yes, we're all unique on how we heal, the time it will take, and if we can break free from someone's else shame.
There is a part of me that is thrilled about the fact that finally society is witnessing just how prevalent sexual assault and harassment is in our country. It is something us survivors have known even though we may feel so alone. Many of us have had, throughout our lives, multiple predators enter our lives. Friends and coworkers may be in disbelief just how widespread it all is, but we knew - we know -and we are reliving it all over and over with each new story to hit our screens.
I worry about the backlash from all of this coming to surface, and mainly because of how hard that surge of publicity has been. I wonder... will what we survived turn a trivial corner? I also worry about survivors struggling to feel like they have to tell their story because the tide has turned and when they do so they are not ready for the reactions they may receive - and, that they may not have the proper support systems in place with quality resources ready for them to access. It is a justified concern - we do not have the resources survivors need. We do not have widespread access to quality mental healthcare. There are advocacy organizations, some of them very good, some not so great, and most struggling with lack of funding and lack of resources to offer.
Peer pressure - don't give into it. Do what YOU need to make it through another day. Don't compare yourself to others and feel you must do as they. No matter what, it is your story to tell...how you want to, when you are able to, and in the manner you need in paving the next step of your journey to heal.
Be kind to yourself. Take a break. Call that friend. Or write it all out in a journal. Do what you need to do in making these extremely important decisions in your life with a clear head and not feeling pressured. Take care of yourself - you're worthy of self-care and love.....
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