This morning I posted the following on my personal Facebook page. I decided to share it here on my blog as I know there are others out there struggling with pride over need. Reaching out for help is never an easy task, especially when it is connected to stigma and judgements. Take from it what you need and remember - to pay forward hope to others by embracing and sharing your life. Excuse any typos - my fingers are not cooperating today....as usual.
Any of my friends have to use assistance and/or food banks during this fuggin' pandemic?
I know it is hard to talk about because of pride -
But you know me, I talk about the crap no one ever wants to discuss -
I did something I thought I'd never do after getting off of food stamps from those years after DV. I will never forget that feeling I had when when I ripped up that SNAP card back in Wisconsin. And, I will never forget the feeling when I was 39 years old and applied for assistance for the very first time in my life.
I was an absolute mess walking into Juneau County Human Services office for my appointment. Tim was sitting in jail for domestic abuse. I had nothing, literally nothing as I was only making 20 per article and 5 per photo - no base - at the paper.
Tim was the main income in our family, he made good money, was in the sheet metal workers union and all our benefits came from them. With his spiral down to the depths of alcoholism, he wiped out our accounts and we had just exhausted thousands on his dui he got earlier in the year - We were caught up in the cycle of me trying to break-free, living in survival mode...making sure the kids had what they needed no matter what, even if that meant taking him back. Taking him back meant there would be more abuse but like many moms out there stuck in the cycle gathering courage and strength, I, of course, thought I could handle it all - even the abuse if it meant the kids got fed and had a roof.
When I went to that appointment I was shaking like a leaf, internally. My intake worker was a bitch, no other word to describe her. She didn't believe me in how I explained I got paid from the paper. She didn't believe he was sitting in jail for domestic violence,
battery and sexual assault. My pay didn't match their cookie cutter form and she made me feel like it was all my fault for that with her sighs and dirty looks. It was a completely humiliating experience.
I swore then as soon as I could I would never go back on assistance - ever again - I felt lower than a slug by the time I walked out of that office - but - the fighter in me, that advocate/activist I've always been made sure I filed strong worded complaint the director and she was removed my case.
It was exhausting.
I think that is also one of the reasons I have such a mental block now about filing for SSDI even though, rightfully, I am entitled to it - it brings back up all those emotions.
Anyhow - because of the pandemic I recently filed here in TN for SNAP. This time around it went much smoother but I had to face those feelings of feeling like somehow I've failed, again.
Those are tough things to get through AND I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE!
I want anyone reading this - anyone feeling that way as the food dwindles from your cabinets to know there are people who understand your struggle and do not judge you for a situation you have no control over. Life happens. I had to remind myself of that.
During those years one of the hardest things for me to do was to use the Mauston Food Pantry, especially since I was the reporter in town. I knew people saw me and thought how working in media also meant I should have been making good money - that is not the case in small outlets. Thankfully, the very first time I used them, Kathy Green was my intake. I had just been there the week before for a story on the pantry.
I sat down in the chair and the tears flowed. Kathy being the compassionate person she is helped me through it all. She told me, if I remember right, her mom had worked in media and she knew we didn't make much. She also made me promise to utilize the pantry as much I could - that they were there so food was the last thing I had to worry about budgeting for the month. Kathy planted seeds of hope with her kind words and empathy.
So - to anyone reading this and budgeting those pennies while being hesitant about reaching out for help - I want you to know that the help is there so it can take one less layer of stress off your mind - do not be ashamed for needing it.
Kathy may not have known it at the time but those words she planted in my head that day carried me through some tough times - times where I fought my own ego and pride.
Here I am, all these years later, and I recently relied on the hope she instilled in me and it helped me to make that call to Tennessee's Dept. of Human Services.
And yes, I know I just made some people uncomfortable about discussing the things many of us hide out of fear of judgement. That's what I do -
Stigmas live and grow in the corners of dark closets - bust that door open and let the light shine on them - that is when they can no longer cause you pain.
Reach out my friends, don't give up - you deserve it.
If you need assistance this is a good place to start -
Disaster Financial Assistance- Covid
Be sure to also visit your state's Human Services website -
Contact your city hall to find additional local resources
Don't give up - It can be a maze and exhausting but in the end worrying about basics with no releif is overwhelming and not good for your physical and emotional health.
And remember - you're not alone!
You never are!
Reach out on your path forward!
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