Swollen fingers -
Ring finger shows middle knuckle caving and top
knuckle bending -
 a deformity common to RA known as Swan Neck -
this came on rapid - three weeks ago it was normal -
Red bumps surfacing
on top knuckles are commonly seen in RA
And damn straight I've been biting my nails!!
Wouldn't you?
Bullshit -

Guess my "whatever" phase is over and I am now in the pissed off one.

I've debated about writing on this as I don't want people thinking I am looking for sympathy - actually that's the last thing I want  - it will probably tick me off .

Tonight I am sitting in here in so much pain I want to literally scream out loud

My feet, ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and shoulders are burning - just typing this all out I am having to fix typo after typo because my fingers are not working as they should...which is BULLSHIT!!

This drama started about 6 weeks ago - at least that's when it first got my attention  -since then the path I've walked has been an ever evolving endeavor - every day is a new discovery on my symptoms of this auto-immune disorder known as Rheumatoid ...and God knows what other auto-immunes are presenting at this moment -

In that 6 weeks time I have already seen countless doctors - It all started with the swelling in my left breast to now limping while I walk and watching my fingers change shape before my eyes - this has been anything but gradual - and it's BULLSHIT!

Sure I am to blame for some things such as not paying attention all those years to the aches and pains I was having...putting it all off as stress or being overly tired - I need to own that.  Something that is hard for me to swallow especially knowing that since I was a child I've showed the signs of an autoimmune system out of control - it's my own damn fault for ignoring my own body talking to me,,,the one  that right this minute it's beating the crap out of me and taking me by surprise - but still - it's BULLSHIT!

I guess I need to get my anger out so I can move forward to dealing while healing - even though healing is figurative as what brewing in me is progressive and can only be calmed, never silenced.

I got mad at God last weekend - yeah, that's right - I said it.

I was soaking in a hot bath trying to not feel the pain and it all hit me - everything hit me - everything I have survived through and attempted to move beyond from being a child victim of sex assault...to my life in the last five years - and now this...now this BULLSHIT...just as I was moving forward and getting myself on track of pulling out of a financial nightmare.

"What does not break us, makes us stronger..." 
"It builds character" 

Who ever came up with those sayings needs to be tarred and feathered,,because they...those sayings are....say after me...BULLSHIT!  (how's that for character??)

I don't have time for this....is what I told my higher power...

The children and I have been through enough - we need a break, not another issue to deal with.

Yup, all the things a person says when they are in the midst of feeling sorry for themselves...all of them came out of my mouth and sent to the air above me.

So yes, I debated about sharing all of this with the world - me at one of my lowest moments, being vulnerable, sad, angry and flawed.

But then I decided that one of the main reasons I started this blog was to show other survivors (sexual assault and domestic violence) that they were not alone - that those thoughts they've had...those tears they have shed..along with the fears and dreams...are in all reality a bond between us - As are other life hurdles such as what I am going through now...something I know someone out there can identify with and may find comfort in knowing that they are not alone..

This is life - it throws us curve balls when we least expect them -

How we handle life's situations is not always going to be perfect...
You're going to be human and need to work through the stages...
Just like you cry when you're touched emotionally...or smile when your heart is filled with joy ....sometimes you're going to need to scream your frustrations -just like I am doing right now - to, at the very least, attempt to get all the BULLSHIT out of your system -

Now that I've said, screamed and written  the word Bullshit so many times I am wondering something...

Where in the hell did that term come from? 

*time for a pause and quick Google search *

That little 5 minute diversion has led me to discover T.S. Elliot rocks!
 If you don't know him, I am pretty sure you've heard the name before -
He was a poet who was popular around the turn of the century ...early 1900's.
Who would have thought that such a vulgar and unusual term such as BULLSHIT can be attributed to him...Yup, life is full of surprises.... below are the first two stanzas of a poem written by him in/around 1915..

The Triumph of Bullshit
Ladies, on whom my attentions have waited
If you consider my merits are small
Orotundtasteless, fantastical,
Monotonous, crotchety, constipated,
Impotent galamatiasAffected, possibly imitated,
For Christ's sake stick it up your ass
          Ladies, who find my intentions ridiculous
          Awkward insipid and horribly gauche 
          Pompous, pretentious, ineptly meticulous
          Dull as the heart of an unbaked brioche 
          Floundering versicles feebly versiculous  
          Often attenuate, frequently crass
          Attempts at emotions that turn isiculous,
         For Christ's sake stick it up your ass.

Interesting, no?  I found it so....it made me forget about all the bullshit...if even just for a minute or two -

And now for a little awareness - What is Rheumatoid Arthritis...well, it's not the same as the wear and tear achy joint most people have as age creeps up on them - learn more here...


joan said…
Life is so unfair. I hope you find comfort and peace.

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