We all need them -
And, at times, we all seek them out whether or not we want to admit it or not. And in those times our actions can be self destructive.
This is especially true for anyone who has grown up in an abusive situation and household. It doesn't matter what form of abuse they may have suffered or witnessed as a child -if there was any abuse, that child will walk a path of seeking out love and validation - when that void cannot be filled they will either turn to self abuse by way of addiction or risky behaviors, or they will turn into people pleasers - at any cost.
The path I took was as a people pleaser- a family/friend caretaker. In my head I thought the more I did or be what I thought people expected of me, I would find what I needed most. In my case it was nurturing I lacked from my mother. She wasn't evil, just had a guard up at all times, and most likely because at some point in her life she had been emotionally devastated. That guard kept nurturing at an arm's length.
Everyone came to me with their emotional aches and pains. I would cater to them. I would nurture them even though I felt deprived of being nurtured. I was hyper responsible to the point of being anal (lovely term, eh?) I would keep their secrets, their dramas to myself only to be disappointed by them and feeling used up and discarded once they realized I knew too much. In all actuality my self depriving care taking ways was my own toxic behavior, a slow self punishment because while looking for affirmations and love, there was a part of me that felt I didn't deserve receiving what I sought. A perpetual cycle of running into a wall over and over and over.
And that is how in the first 3 plus decades of my life I found myself in dysfunctional and abusive relationships filled with dramatic pain.
Hence the name of this blog - Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out.
We are our own worst enemies, that is a fact. And when I tell others that the hardest thing to accomplish on the road to healing is learning to love your own reflection in the mirror, I mean every word of it. It is the hardest but also the most rewarding accomplishment there is because once you can do that you start seeing there is so much in life to be had and you deserve to go after it and attain it. It is like a veil being lifted - the love you have for yourself is the affirmation you've been lacking - the void that was once deep inside you no longer exists.
How to get from point A to B on that road of self love...well, first I must tell you it takes time. It takes patience and you will feel pain along the way. You will grieve your past, and you need to - you will ride that roller coaster of emotions from denial to fear to anger to sadness and even loneliness.
You will need to dig deep and look at your own flaws and realize them for what they are - mine are stubbornness and a tendency towards self doubt because of perfectionism. Own them and then try to see the positive aspects in those traits ...stubbornness can turn into determination and tenacity, self doubt can keep a person grounded as long as they do not dwell there and perfectionism can be a positive when you use it to motivate yourself rather than standing in a frozen state.
Caretakers need to take care of themselves before they can ever expect to provide proper and loving care for another - to do that means you need boundaries in place to protect your own being, your emotional and physical health.
And most importantly realize that every relationship you have in your life takes work - you get out of it what you put into it - even that relationship you have with yourself. Also remember that if you're in a relationship, any type ...romantic or otherwise...to fill a void, then you're in it for all the wrong and self destructive reasons.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
And, at times, we all seek them out whether or not we want to admit it or not. And in those times our actions can be self destructive.
The path I took was as a people pleaser- a family/friend caretaker. In my head I thought the more I did or be what I thought people expected of me, I would find what I needed most. In my case it was nurturing I lacked from my mother. She wasn't evil, just had a guard up at all times, and most likely because at some point in her life she had been emotionally devastated. That guard kept nurturing at an arm's length.
Everyone came to me with their emotional aches and pains. I would cater to them. I would nurture them even though I felt deprived of being nurtured. I was hyper responsible to the point of being anal (lovely term, eh?) I would keep their secrets, their dramas to myself only to be disappointed by them and feeling used up and discarded once they realized I knew too much. In all actuality my self depriving care taking ways was my own toxic behavior, a slow self punishment because while looking for affirmations and love, there was a part of me that felt I didn't deserve receiving what I sought. A perpetual cycle of running into a wall over and over and over.
And that is how in the first 3 plus decades of my life I found myself in dysfunctional and abusive relationships filled with dramatic pain.
Hence the name of this blog - Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out.
We are our own worst enemies, that is a fact. And when I tell others that the hardest thing to accomplish on the road to healing is learning to love your own reflection in the mirror, I mean every word of it. It is the hardest but also the most rewarding accomplishment there is because once you can do that you start seeing there is so much in life to be had and you deserve to go after it and attain it. It is like a veil being lifted - the love you have for yourself is the affirmation you've been lacking - the void that was once deep inside you no longer exists.
How to get from point A to B on that road of self love...well, first I must tell you it takes time. It takes patience and you will feel pain along the way. You will grieve your past, and you need to - you will ride that roller coaster of emotions from denial to fear to anger to sadness and even loneliness.
You will need to dig deep and look at your own flaws and realize them for what they are - mine are stubbornness and a tendency towards self doubt because of perfectionism. Own them and then try to see the positive aspects in those traits ...stubbornness can turn into determination and tenacity, self doubt can keep a person grounded as long as they do not dwell there and perfectionism can be a positive when you use it to motivate yourself rather than standing in a frozen state.
Caretakers need to take care of themselves before they can ever expect to provide proper and loving care for another - to do that means you need boundaries in place to protect your own being, your emotional and physical health.
And most importantly realize that every relationship you have in your life takes work - you get out of it what you put into it - even that relationship you have with yourself. Also remember that if you're in a relationship, any type ...romantic or otherwise...to fill a void, then you're in it for all the wrong and self destructive reasons.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
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