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A can't sleep vent

Sleep is not coming easy tonight. There's just too much on mind. A lot of good things and then there are some worries that are weighing heavy. The #WhenIBecameFree project is doing well, actually better than I thought it would when earlier this summer I decided to give it my all.

The survivor stories are forthcoming. The survivors are strong and organized to help others. It has been an amazing journey. I did have to slow down on writing as my fingers are not cooperating with me but at the same time the documentary part of the project is moving forward. Thomas Houy from iLead Charter School in Mauston is gearing up and surprisingly we may a media company jumping on board to help see this and that the documentary is well done. The support has been amazing.

We're addressing some issues in my local community. This may not thrill some people but the focus is bringing awareness, filling in those gaping holes in the safety net for victims and breaking cycles of abuse, whether it is domestic violence or sexual assault. This is about saving lives and giving the children exposed to the abuse a chance at a quality future.

 If I can see all of this through to fruition, the final products, I really believe this will be one of my greatest accomplishments -something I will be truly proud about. Taking all those horrors from being a survivor of child sexual assault, domestic violence and sexual assault as an adult and turning them into something positive. I know all the survivors telling their stories feel the same way.

My problem with sleep is this is all happening during that transition in my life where I need to slow down and take care of my health. I am not feeling well at all. After a month and a half from applying I did finally get approved for Wisconsin's Badgercare which means I can finally haul my butt to that doctor, once I find one. That search will be tomorrow.

I am nervous about it all because I did put my health on the back burner and for quite a few years, mainly because I was uninsured and working too many damn hours to even think about myself. That drive did finally bite me in butt. It is obvious with my symptoms of the autoimmune disorders that are increasing. A part of me is terrified on what that doctor is going to say, how much damage did I allow to happen.

I think my fear of anything medical is greater than any of the PTSD I've ever had from suffering trauma.  It sounds silly, I know - but I have my reasons, a childhood filled with them.

That fear  along with the ticking clock of needing to sell my house for multiple reasons has my nerves on end. Talk about mixed feelings and a roller coaster ride of emotions....it is a lot to absorb. 

I know I will get through whatever is in front me, I have no other options but to face whatever needs to be faced. I just wish I could blink my eyes, the house sells, the project is completed and I can move down to my boys. They say to put out into the universe what you want, your desires, your positive thoughts and they will be answered. I don't know who was the first to say that but I am starting to think they may have been doing some good drugs at the time (sarcasm, yes.)

Let's see what this week brings.......
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