Energy.
Lately I’ve been more aware of the energy around me, in my environment and what those around me emanate. This is not a surprising thing to say for a survivor of childhood trauma, domestic violence and sexual assault. It is known as hyper-viliegence. Factor in being what some people call an Empath, I understand emotions behind actions and why they are sparked.
I was born a student. Life made me a silent observer and then showed me I could be a voice, better yet -I could show others how to use their voice.
I’ve seen it from the eyes of a survivor, a mother, a reporter, a volunteer, someone in need fleeing abuse, and then now as some nearing my end years navigating a system set up to tear away at any dignity I’ve managed to save.
This forced retirement from life outside the walls of my home, where I once thrived, has taught me a few things; 1) Time will catch up with you. 2) We are the walking wounded navigating life on a planet we keep ignoring, because, ya know, we know it all 3) Greed is our doom 4) Your heart and your compassion can change lives. 5) Protect your energy.
Protect Your Energy. This has been probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I pushed myself as hard as I could with what I had to work with and as my health would allow. The outside world saw a strong woman, my pillow knew my pain.
I allowed my passions to take over- my love for people and bringing awareness to those causes so close to my heart , the ones that laid the bricks to my path in life, crimes against children and women no body nor soul should ever know.
I forgot to balance an important element, I forgot to factor in me. The past five plus year fighting to be heard by doctors and now up and against insurance denials and forced step therapy approaches, well, yeah …that wall of corruption and ignorance hit hard. It forced me into an isolation as I dealt with intorrerable physical pain that grew every passing day.
Needless to say it was the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell but it taught me something, something I realized this week when I ventured outside of my cave and into society — I need to protect my energy. I need to stop addressing those who are pretty much sucking it away, and start talking to all of you, who are affected and who will feel the effects in the near future if we don’t start flipping some tables.
Healthcare. We have some major issues going on and about to hit and ones that we keep throwing bandaids at without addressing the core problem, the health insurance companies in this country have us cornered. Not one of the top five are without scandal from overbilling states to rampant denials leading to patients suffering. If they provide managed care options subsidized by Obamacare or even Medicaid, then those consumers are the bottom rung of the ladder and first to be stepped on during their Wall Street motivated climb to the top for profits. It has been that way throughout history, the little guy getting stepped on first, and don’t let the term Democracy, fool you — it is still that way.
Now, some in Washington have been pointing fingers at the problems but they stop short with bandaids. What they don’t tell you is how much money they are pocketing into the campaigns and pacs from those government subsidized health insurance companies holding our healthcare hostage — both sides.
They are not telling you about those pac funds as they push for or fight against Medicaid expansion in their home states as the Covid unwinding comes to the end.
Lets face it, people want healthcare there for them when they need it and the last few years opened some closed minds to the idea of universal healthcare may in fact be worthy of discussion.
I know conservatives are hearing from their conservative constiuents about it as are liberals. Neither, those living in our rural farmlands or those in our urban centers, want to lose their local medical facilities and all because the system we have right now has crippled centers if they serve a lower income clientele. Payments the get from Medicaid are laughable, especially when you factor in how they have to hire extra staff to handle requests for prior authorizations. And that is just one of the spikes causing the system to fail.
Our most vulnerable — our elderly, our disabled and children — are forced to jump hoops for daring to have a medical condition that required more than a routine lab and prescription.
They can keep throwing bandaids at the issue, new hoops and regulations, but for anyone who has ever been in the system, you know that just means more work for you, if you decide to fight. Pretty words on paper with no teeth in reality.
The reason I say this is because one fact remains, one GLARING fact remains. It is one they ALL refuse to address or pretend they are deaf and definitely mute to, when asked. . That fact are those PAC funds from those Wall Street invested healthcare insurance companies, the very ones we subsidize, that money initially touched by taxpayers, is ending up back in their campaigns. Campaigns feuling divide — $$ vs $$ and we all lose. And now those very insurance corporations are salvatating over the thought of new opportunities and contracts, even though they have been embroiled in scandal for ripping off hospitals, states, and leaving patients behind.
And that’s what we have, and what we are looking at …
Inspiring, huh?
It could be if someone had the actual courage to remember why they got into politics in the first place, but like I said, earlier this week I had a couple of appointments that reminded me of that lesson I was forced to learn in the last five or so years, protect my energy. Those meetings were political in nature and I realized that when I walked away from them I was drained. Even more so was during those meetings you could feel the chess games behind the scene. I don’t know how else to say that but it’s unnerving. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying the people were bad- it’s the atmosphere itself — the air of secrecy that swirls in environments like that.
My time — my experience — and what I am trying to do by using my voice at this stage in my life is worth more than a shell game in return. I think this is where I take that fork in the road and stay true to who I am and not involve myself in sandbox games.
People, our most vulnerable populations, are suffering. There’s a reason suicide rates have increased in those middle years, especially among men. It’s called the pressures of life increasing with no relief in sight and God forbid you get sick or disabled from that stress, the spiral of doom is oiled by that shit.
So yeah, that’s where I am at with all this, this stage in my life, and yes, I am still holding on to the idea we can plant small seeds of hope in our communities with some Healing Hearts and maybe change our paths.
Call me corny, call me stupid, I really don’t care. I’ve survived a lot of bullshit in my life and this time it is my turn first and hopefully the residual effect of doing that pays off larger than any of my prior efforts. I need to build up my strength and heal as much as I can from surgery, especially battling autoimmune conditions at the same time. I need to do that for myself and my children and I will share those stories too because maybe it will provide someone hope, someone like me who just over a year ago was fighting the medical community, Social Security, and insurance. It’s a bleak place to be, that is when you find out who truly loves and support you.
And because knowing that walk firsthand I will find a way for these stories to be told. There are many. Too many. We have to stop abusing our own people with empty promises of hope.
That’s my goal. To find and walk that balance.
Currently I am unable to drive and still working on building strength, physical and spiritual, after last October’s surgery — it was tough one. I created this Amazon Mobility / Healing Wish List as one of the ways for those who want to help, can.
https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/LUD36WKYM915?ref_=wl_share
HEALING HEARTS
https://www.gofundme.com/f/inject-healing-hearts-into-communities
I might be placing my vulnerabilities out there for the world to laugh at and me to be picked apart but we keep getting this wrong, why not try?
At least I want to try to place a bandaid on my branch of the family tree, I am tired of the destruction.
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