This post will appear disjointed to some and others will see the glaring repeating patterns like ripples in a pond, spreading out after the pebble has been thrown.
Don’t ever let someone tell you anger is a negative emotion. It’s not. It is all about how you use that anger and all those layers of emotions that built it within you.
You may not see it.. feel it..especially initially as the red flames of rage burn you but they were sparked by the pain of disappointment, fear, and the regret you’ve not allowed yourself to feel — grieve — express, setting it free.
That’s where my mind has spinning lately and why I have not written much in the past week or so. I’ve been allowing myself to feel the anger within me. The disappointment I’ve been feeling in letting go of friends and family who have harmed me and who have never taken ownership for the damage caused. Anger that the fairy tales imprinted in my head of a loving family and trustworthy friends was fiction. They were nothing more than a security blanket riddled with moth holes, fraying, providing no warmth when I needed it most, when the bitterly cold world was taking aim and support for my failing health, my heart, and my spirit were needed. A select few stuck it out with me and for them they will always have my gratitude.
Having said that-
I am fucking tired of pain. Tired of pain from a lifetime taking me down personal paths. From being gaslit over 4 decades from the medical community to finally and after 9 surgeries in my life, the 10th convinced them I knew my body better than their tests.
Then there were the fights ..the battles…with Meridian, my insurance and a subsidiary of Centene. After all those decades of battling the medical community and finally being heard, insurance — my Medicaid provider — stepped in with hurdles of pre-authorization denials and repeated forced “step approaches,” against my doctor’s orders, delaying care…delaying diagnosis, and adding to the physical relentless pain I experienced.
I am tired of us little people not mattering but corporations can bully their way into our lives with their greedy ways, shortening them and lessening the quality of our days while holding our healthcare hostage.
The law tells them they cannot deny you for a pre-existing condition and I remember life when they could, I was pretty much born a pre-existing condition. But what they don’t talk about now is how the new way to deny pre-existing conditions is called repeatedly denying tests and treatments of the chronically ill. We’re expensive and cut into Wall Street profits.
Where are our dearly elected officials? They tell us to calm down as they handle it with band-aids while pac funds are deposited into their accounts, both sides — and yes, even on the side of the aisle I stand.
Don’t blame yourself for not noticing the healthcare infrastructure faltering, we’ve been distracted with the finger pointing of children arguing in a sandbox. How many rural hospitals have closed in that time? How many experienced the same in those low income urban centers? How far do you have to travel for a specialist, especially if you do not want wait a year for an appointment? What happens to your family when you die and that benefit used, Medicaid, to pay for those final days of time in a nursing home? Your family will have that property inheritance gutted when the state collects on the bill, but when those lovely insurance corporations, like Centene, overbill multiple states and get caught, they get new contracts.
Knowing all of this, going through what I did and all throughout my life…I am tired of the pain and refuse to allow anymore in my life, at least what I can prevent, and I definitely want to help alleviate it the lives of other vulnerable people; the elderly, fellow disabled, and children.
Anger is my motivation in reaching out, in speaking out…
Empathy is my drive..
Compassion in knowing we cannot get any further in these cycles of life of ours until we address the evil known as Greed.
Greed of Wall Street
Greed inflating egos
Greed ignoring pain
Greed destroys humanity, it doesn’t build it
Greed causes the domino effect hitting those with the least — that’s how it trickles down.
Greed destroys family units — creating cycles of dysfunction.
Greed distorts dreams and goals.
Greed lies.
Greed is all around us.
Greed kills innocent hearts.
Greed has convinced some of us that living in a humane country doesn’t include providing quality healthcare for all citizens. Your grandma not getting her medication, thank Greed. Your family going into bankruptcy before your kids have a decent shot at life and because of medical bills…yeah, Greed stole their chances…
As for those greedy bastards. Confront them, nicely (ok, some sarcasm), remember you’re not them. Ask questions, demand answers. Plant seeds. Water those seeds. Be as direct as you can. Don’t take no for an answer. Keep confronting, keep asking, and especially do so in your own political home. That is how change is made - not when we try to control others but rather when we clean up our own environment and lead by example.
So, that’s where I am right now. Self care, I am tired of pain. I am diving deep into healing as well as I can as I try to improve my quality of life, mind, body and soul — in my personal world and in my country so that others never have to experience the pain I fought through and so I never have to face it again. No one should know what that is like…
In honor of April being National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month, for this post’s Healing Hearts (#healinghearts) effort I ask that you consider donating to Children’s Advocacy Center of North and Northwest Cook County. I picked them because they provide services in the cities I lived in when I was a child and suffering the effects of sexual assault from a few predators. Back then I never was able to know what is was like to have a voice nor what speaking up meant. My healing from those crimes was delayed far into my adulthood and only came after some painful experiences that almost took my life. Organizations like this one not only help that child, a child like I once was, find healing but also in a way that can place those peds in prison, away from creating more victims. That is why I chose them -in honor of that little girl in me who once suffered so much, in silence.
I am also working on building myself back up which includes reaching out to anyone who would like to support me on these endeavors and help me in gaining strength to be the best advocate I can be, for myself and others. Currently I am unable to drive and still working on building strength, physical and spiritual, after last October’s surgery — it was tough one. I created this Amazon Mobility / Healing Wish List as one of the ways for those who want to help, can.
As for today’s song, I heard it for the first time this morning and know it is stuck in my head, it makes me smile.
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