Hidden Truths - Julie and I discuss the 1987 Unsolved Murder of Barbara Blackstone, Judge Roemer and more.

If you know me or have been following me over the years then you know that the Unsolved 1987 murder of Barbara Blackstone (pictured) has haunted me since I started looking into the cold case from Juneau County, Wisconsin - even now, years after I left the world of reporting for that rural community and even though I never knew her, she remains close to the forefront of my mind, at all times.

As I navigate life on disability while trying to make those SSDI dollars stretch, I decided that I would share with all of you some conversations with people I know or find interesting. If I can build myself back up, who knows, maybe there's a possibility of supplementing my disability or even getting off it one day...at the same time I hope these stories touch you and empower those sharing their voices. 

Hey, it is worth a shot, right? 

Now, as I went over and edited the following video of a chat a friend and once co-worker, Julie , had about looking into and reporting on Barbara's story I noticed something about myself...

I hate cameras and having my photo taken and no, it is not always for the reason one may immediately think - I feel vulnerable when it happens and it goes back to some trauma I sustained as a child. The back story on my whys can be found here - The Dreaded Photos (deep stuff - trigger inducing, be warned) 

I've worked on this personal issue off and on over the last decade or so, but I haven't yet conquered it. I noticed this while watching the following video while I edited it - 

I cringed at first at the thought of watching it, then I noticed something - I did fairly well with my internal comfort level until I noticed the little things....me playing with my hair trying to pull it forward, little twitches of discomfort on my face - and it wasn't throughout the video but just every so often you will or at least I did, notice those symptoms of insecurity surface. In those quick moments I saw the little girl I once was, trying to hide myself away - covering my face with my hair...trying to retreat from the memories. In those moments were my least photogenic captures...literally. Something most women fear as well but when I allowed myself to relax and enjoy the conversation with Julie, you see it in my face, I look my best. I'm not some repulsive creature, freak of nature with a body laden with scars inside and out, I'm not that image that once little girl felt like. I didn't need to hide all those years, and yes, while out in a very public job, I was hiding in ways you'd never imagine. 

"Fuck it, Eva - just burn those damn insecurities to the ground with that spark in you - light those bitches on fire!" ...Yes, these are my self induced pep talks. I go all in... 

As soon as I had that thought I wanted to share this story because I know so many women, survivors, who have many of the same fears I've had that have shackled my life to pain. 

Ladies...please, listen, please let this seed plant in those beautiful loving minds - don't waste the years I have hating my reflection for being a victim, Burn those fucking insecurities to the ground. Challenge yourself to do it every chance you get...don't waste precious time. 

And to Barbara, thank you for entering my world with your story, you've helped in my healing and I promise to never let your story be forgotten.  

Be Well.