Trusting my gut - plus more

Geez, I've been kinda quiet this past week, huh? Very unlike me not to have something to say.....a moment to share...or as I am sure you know by now, something to vent about. I guess it is because I've been absorbing life..

.thinking about my future....listening to my instincts...and most importantly trusting my gut. And, DAMN IT, that takes a lot of work for someone who admittedly has issues with trust! Isn't funny, I can trust that stranger on the street who may need help in some way or form..whether it's hand out or a hand up, I have no problem giving it to them if I can. But when it comes to my immediate world, my personal space....my heart, that's where I have sabotaged myself from trusting my own gut, or the actions of a special person in my life.

Last week someone said to me the "real crime" in rape...sexual assault...domestic violence..isn't the act itself but rather in the aftermath...the lingering pain of the sense of safety and trust being shattered into a billion pieces, and the work that is needed to mend them back together.

Maybe those weren't the exact words they used, but their comment did bring that thought out in me. Like I said, it's not in trusting that stranger on the street...it's in trusting myself - respecting myself enough to trust my gut when it comes to ...dare I say it???...love - and really it's about loving yourself enough to know you are worthy to be loved by others without thinking there always has to be a "catch" ..an ulterior motive in their words and actions.

Yes, that right there is THE TRUE CRIME of sexual assault and/or domestic violence. So that's where I've been lately. Listening quietly - not interrupting - and absorbing everything my gut was telling me - and like me - it never shuts up! I am a risk taker - a damn good advocate for causes and other people - an extremely vocal activist/organizer that knows how to get attention to a cause - guess I've always put the effort, care, passion and love into all of that because I was afraid to risk my own heart again -

Well, I am 41 and it's about time I do unto myself as I do for others...it's time to trust myself...trust my gut...move forward to a life hopefully paved with smiles.... Funny thing about that gut feeling - it's not like it went on vacation for a while, and has come back - it's always been there I just lost my hearing for a bit.

OK...enough deep thought for one Sunday....... I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July...the kids and I did - we watched the fireworks as usual - spent most of the day out in the community. I did come home with one thought in mind, and found myself googling for answers as soon as I could... "What purpose do mosquitoes serve?" Those damn lil buggers were out in force last night!!!!!!!!!!! WHY? DAMN IT - WHY???????????????

Comments

Gin said…
What you wrote is so true. Why are we so able to trust others, but can't extend ourselves the same courtesy?!?! That is something I struggle with on a daily basis.
Just Be Real said…
Eva Marie, thank you for posting this.

Your post is a postive and encouraging one, thank you. You need, in time to feel good about yourself again. You were not in the wrong when the abuse happened.

((((Eva Marie))))

You can also add to your list, "what purpose do cockroaches serve."
Wine and Words said…
I think your gut is going a good job. Carry on sister.
Colleen said…
I have the same problem with trusting myself. I just declared independence from my abuser and I have questioned doing it ever since. I know it is right but I keep seeking confirmation! Thanks for sharing this.
Kay said…
Like you, my biggest problem isn't trusting others - it's trusting myself, my decisions, my judgment of others. I can never decide if I should trust someone else, because I don't trust myself to be capable of making that decision. And just like they say you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself, it works the same way with trust.
I'm working on it, though - trying to allow myself the little decisions, working my way up.
It seems like you're making some amazing progress on this aspect of recovering.

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