Monday morning growth - surviving

No matter how far I think I've come in my road to healing there are still days...moments in my life where the pains of the past surface. When something triggers those emotions and memories I will often find that I get inpatient with myself, angry at myself for allowing them to be felt.

"You should be beyond this"

Is the thought that will replay over and over in my head. Then the debate will begin - The inner turmoil - the whirlwind of emotions ...however there is beauty after a storm.

Perhaps each time something triggers those emotions and memories I am discovering new aspects of me and it is yet another step up on my foundation of healing. This past week I had one of those moments...

Something I think each of us need to keep in mind while we are on this path of healing and surviving is that no one can write our story but ourselves...meaning we all will have different recovery periods...different aspects to our healing and need to take comfort in that while I may not require what you need...nor you, I....we can rejoice in the knowledge that together we support one another in the journey.

I say that because I see, and have heard so many comments from other survivors that compare one to another....

"I wish I had your strength"

"Tell me what to do so I can be like you"

"My story isn't as bad as yours" .....etc..etc..etc...

Like the image in the mirror, each of us are unique - please keep that in mind as you wander site after site...join group after group...and read story after story.... take what you can from each but never allow yourself to dimminish your own path...the one you walked, and the one you are heading down.

This is something I had to remind myself of as triggers once again opened up emotions that needed to be felt and rather than just allowing those emotions to flow, I fought them - eventually, as emotions will always do, they won the battle and they came out....

For me I find that there are times when I find myself writing poetry that just seems to flow out of me....words that are relaying emotions that need attention - I've often found that when this happens it's the ones that I have tried to ignore or discount because they are not "positive" but rather reflect pain - self doubt - and what I would at times label against my own best interest...weakness.

Yes, I am still so very hard on myself....still learning how to forgive myself unconditionally for being human.

"You're a rock!"

Is something I've heard many times throughout my life....

I use to fight against hearing that....I actually hated hearing that because I thought it meant I could handle anything, and in a way I felt that was unfair for others to think that about me....I shouldn't have to handle anything just because they saw me as a rock.

Sipping my coffee this morning a thought entered my head...

A thought about what is beyond the hard surface of a rock..........

Bits and pieces of the past...piled and compressed together.....weak and small should they need to stand alone....but together well rounded, and strong.

So yes, I am a rock.

And last week I had a moment where I needed to get out something in me...self doubt...and I did so once again in a poem. I sat down at my computer and the words just flowed....

It's been a very long time since that has happened, so I must have been overdue.....

When you read this piece you will see the self doubt....the fear...the sadness...that was in me.

But, like that rock, it's just a small part of the larger picture -

Something I need to remind myself of the next time a part of me surfaces that I may not like how it looks..................

Maybe he, my ex, was right
Without him there IS just plight free was my fight
Struggles have taken my might

Pretty young face I may look
Sad stories, heartbreak is my book
Innocence, dreams and goals they took
They've gutted me with their evil hooks

How much ache can one soul take?
Lovers and friends have been mainly all fake
Everyday the pain I attempt to shake
God, please God, I need just one break

Man's hand on a child, I feel the burn
Over and over, they took their disgusting turn
Memories and lessons causing stomachs to churn
My education, my body is theirs I learned

Emotional rape was the battle for my mind
Why? I was the good girl, always kind
I held on to the map, a treasure I wanted to find
A dingy dark trail I walked determined but blind

Into a marriage, decades long of a shame
I never wanted riches, never wanted fame
Everything went wrong, and always I was to blame
Sexual assault extinguishing love's flame

Now children looking to and counting on me
Alone in a cold world I am to be
Everywhere I look, struggles is what I see
For being born - are these my's fee?


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