Nuances That Shatter: Dominoes of a CSA Survivor's Reckoning PART 1

 

There is nothing more shattering to a soul than surviving CSA. Often,  you do not realize it until it feels like it is too late to pick up the pieces of your heart. It all started with nuances before you knew the meaning of intangible. 

What a statement, huh? The realizations of the past. When a survivor can step out safely into a clearing,tit can be dizzying. Flashes - files - emotions - pain, all spinning. It can separate one from reality a bit while they gather their breath. It is then they realize, if they can absorb it, that is was always in the nuance where dominoes began falling. Grieving will follow when they see the cracks in their foundation, the building blocks nonexistent, fending for themselves in a world caught up in their own drama. Society's orphan. 

I grew up in a house built on nuances and expressed through sarcasm - couple that in a latch key kid, who is a sponge with health issues, and a CSA survivor, I embraced it. I used to tell my kids when they wouldn't listen that I was going to duct tape them to the ceiling (sarcastic tone) - Well, the first time I said that to them my first born looked at me in absolute horror and the last one popped off with their own sarcastic comeback. Two brains - two different operating systems and one line of data interpreted very differently. Unique beings. Unique flaws. Unique skills. All of us are unique. It is about how those unique aspect  cross react with our other unique characteristics,  creating the human before you. No different than software in a extremely hard wired world.  ( 2E2  ;) )

And it all starts with the information first instilled being woven into what is innate to each one. I know - deep, eh? But truly think about it and what that information being instilled is and how plays out in a mind that is literate...one that is spatial....one that needs real life, hands on, before they can absorb...one that understands complexities, and one who has critical thinking and empathy compared to one who doesn't. We create our society by how we approach it, at the start. We create our heroes, and we create our monsters - literally. None of that is spared in any of us, it greases those gears of life-evolving-growing, the quality depends on us and on how quickly we learn using those critical thinking skills. The greater good is in all of us, our perceptions at the time vary. 

Intent -

Over the past few months I've concentrated my focus on John David Norman and Francis Shelden (North Fox Island) - I've been absorbed and I needed to be to understand my own wounds - the layers. Through it all my pattern recognizing mind did learn a lot and I could see the dominoes. Ones that began decades before I ever took my first breath and still playing out today, with everyone trying to hold on to the belief it was all for the "greater good" without recognizing our own programming. We've all done harm in the name of survival - IF that was the true intent.  

There are some who are wired to be on the hardest most severe end of narcissism, an aspect to the human condition as it is needed for survival - we all, once again, have it within just to varying degrees. The only absolute is them. Every message is theirs, every entitlement regardless on need. It is never about drawing issue to a SYSTEM using their experiences, it is about them alone, and society's bias in recognizing the differences. Ego and greed. These are the true abusers in our world, the ones willing to harm-to step on- to commit the most heinous acts known to our species and never out of a misperceived need of survival but always for entertainment to satisfy the miswire in their being. If reading this you start wondering where you fall, maybe feel some shame or regret for errors on your path, rest assured, you are not one. Believe me that it is a mirror I've debated many times,  having deep talks with my greater power- including right now out of a fear in looking like a flawed hypocrite, but I am, we all are and that is the point.   But, if you get a twinge of anger or perhaps can't discern and comprehend the meaning, well -yeah. Therein lies the difference. One is a software glitch and the other is programming in the building phase-the operating system. The one with that OS glitch, well they know that about the rest of us and that is when abuse happens.  They send in the flying monkeys to keep their hands clean.  

To Be Continued - 

And again, today I am not using AI for editing. Excuse typos. 

Author's/Artist's Note: As a disabled survivor using assistive technology, which changes day by day pending health and that day's needs- (#zebralife), I pour these chapters from my own experiences and the people I've met along the path of life. Assistive tech helps me many ways to present my message. If you have experienced CSA or SA and are in need of support, I urge you to reach out -RAINN or Support for Men at 1in6.org are lifelines. What's next? Comments welcome, always.