Please Lord, not this.........
Worried
Anxious
Fearful
Apprehensive
Irritable
Cranky
Reflective
That's me this week. It was just a few weeks ago where I wrote how I was taking charge this year, and making sure I was in the driver's seat, and right now I feel like I am driving a 1976 Mercury Comet that is spinning out of control.
That was the year when I, as a child, became ill only to have the next decade spent in hospitals, and specialists' offices. Poked...tested....isolated...and in pain.
I'm getting flashbacks even though I am trying to keep from seeing them. The trigger being my son, Kyle. Much like me back then, Kyle is now showing symptoms of something popping up, and has an appointment tomorrow with a pediatric hematologist. This appointment comes after many months being ill off and on, and after numerous visits with doctors here in town.
And I am fearful.
Anxious.
Worried...
It started the same way with me. Thriving otherwise, but always ill. Not the typical picture of a child with an illness. "But she's so healthy looking." "She doesn't 'act' sick." etc,,,,
Those comments are now being made about Kyle...that off and on illness he has in his body right now is tricking everyone.....however, those blood test results are showing that something is going on.
Plus then there are the days when my olive-toned mini-me is paler than his fair skinned brother, Justin - and interestingly, like I was, the days he looks his worse are the days he feels good.
Please Lord, not this....
They never figured out what was wrong with me...10 years of hospitalizations....100's of appointments with specialist....bone marrow after bone marrow....they never figured it out, not even when finally they removed my ever growing spleen when I was 18.
I always just wanted to believe that I was a "fluke" of nature. That somehow whatever I had couldn't be passed down to my children.
So...this week, I find myself taking long hot baths....or staring out windows and saying to myself..Please Lord, not this.
I rarely, if ever, speak of or discuss my personal faith because I believe it to be just that, personal. Much like any personal and committed relationship, only my closest and most trusted friends will hear me discuss it....
But lately I must admit I've been doing a lot of looking towards that sky and asking for answers, wanting reasons, and pleading that history doesn't repeat itself.
Anxious
Fearful
Apprehensive
Irritable
Cranky
Reflective
That's me this week. It was just a few weeks ago where I wrote how I was taking charge this year, and making sure I was in the driver's seat, and right now I feel like I am driving a 1976 Mercury Comet that is spinning out of control.
That was the year when I, as a child, became ill only to have the next decade spent in hospitals, and specialists' offices. Poked...tested....isolated...and in pain.
I'm getting flashbacks even though I am trying to keep from seeing them. The trigger being my son, Kyle. Much like me back then, Kyle is now showing symptoms of something popping up, and has an appointment tomorrow with a pediatric hematologist. This appointment comes after many months being ill off and on, and after numerous visits with doctors here in town.
And I am fearful.
Anxious.
Worried...
It started the same way with me. Thriving otherwise, but always ill. Not the typical picture of a child with an illness. "But she's so healthy looking." "She doesn't 'act' sick." etc,,,,
Those comments are now being made about Kyle...that off and on illness he has in his body right now is tricking everyone.....however, those blood test results are showing that something is going on.
Plus then there are the days when my olive-toned mini-me is paler than his fair skinned brother, Justin - and interestingly, like I was, the days he looks his worse are the days he feels good.
Please Lord, not this....
They never figured out what was wrong with me...10 years of hospitalizations....100's of appointments with specialist....bone marrow after bone marrow....they never figured it out, not even when finally they removed my ever growing spleen when I was 18.
I always just wanted to believe that I was a "fluke" of nature. That somehow whatever I had couldn't be passed down to my children.
So...this week, I find myself taking long hot baths....or staring out windows and saying to myself..Please Lord, not this.
I rarely, if ever, speak of or discuss my personal faith because I believe it to be just that, personal. Much like any personal and committed relationship, only my closest and most trusted friends will hear me discuss it....
But lately I must admit I've been doing a lot of looking towards that sky and asking for answers, wanting reasons, and pleading that history doesn't repeat itself.
I keep telling myself not to worry, just let things play out ...it is what it is...whatever that means.
My boys have been through so much - Justin with his special needs that others don't always understand because they are known as "hidden disabilities" - The Mild Cerebral Palsy that you cannot see on a first glance, but if you watched him walk up stairs you'd see how he holds on dearly to the railing....or if you know about his gastrointestinal issues because his stomach muscles don't always receive that signal from the brain to contract. The excruciating pain he is in when growing takes a hold...how he holds his legs crying...and how they stiffen and turn inwards. Mom....me....I am the one that gets to witness my child's pain.
Then of course the learning disabilities...the central auditory processing disorder, and OCD and the years we dealt with seizures and that horrid medication.
We've made it through the worst years with all of that, and then domestic violence entered our home..how he and his brother tried to save me from that final attack....and during a time when he had to deal with losing the grandmother he lived with since he was two.
And now Kyle....and whatever is going with him....
Please Lord, not this.....
Yes, Please Lord, please let my boys have the last few years of their childhood to consist of fond memories....fun...laughter...joy.....Please Lord, let us have a break.
I just gave all of you a glimpse into my quiet moments. The time when I hide in that bathroom taking that extra long hot bath....or I stare out that window when no one is around....you received a glimpse into this mother's heart.
I cannot pretend that right now I am that tower of strength ...that rock. No, right now I just really want a break for my kids, for me. Right now I am fearful of that pediatric hematologist's office visit tomorrow....and I am sure this is a normal response to such a situation.
So tomorrow we will get in that piece of crap car of mine, pray as we go down the long road to Madison that the car will get us there and back safely....and pray that the results we receive is something that can be easily and painlessly fixed.......
Until then I will continue with my quiet moments and say, Please Lord, not this....
One thing I think I've learned is................
A mother's love comes from the depths of worry her heart can contain.
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