"You need to forgive him and let him see the kids! He's not a mass murderer!"
Those were the words of one of my siblings to me - they came via a phone call about 5 years ago. They hit me like a punch to the gut. The "him" was my ex-husband who was sitting in prison for 8 years on a plea agreement conviction of 2nd Degree Sexual Assault/Use of Force and Battery. Both under the modifier of domestic abuse as a repeat offender. Crimes committed against me and in front of our children.
Immediately I found myself trying to explain how I wasn't keeping him away from the children, the prison and his probation agent was. I can remember shaking like a leaf, even though anger was building in me - two sides of me battling, the once victim vs the healing survivor.
I didn't know then there was a term for what I was experiencing and what that sibling did to me, I did know it was wrong and I felt betrayed by a member of my own family and it wasn't the first time.
SHAME SHIFTING
Author Lilly Hope Lucario describes Shame Shifting as the following:
"A common occurrence in society. Prolific behavior within dysfunctional/disordered/toxic families. A much-utilized tool for spiritual abuse by many church/religious people. I see this all very clearly.
I’ve always ‘known’ instinctively how wrong this is. Always felt it. But, didn’t have the understanding or ability to put words to it.
I do now.
Shame is about feeling like a bad person. Being made to feel like a bad person. Abuse survivors, do not need to be abused further, by being shamed. Abuse survivors, did not have a choice when abused. The abuser, did have a choice.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand forgiveness for abusers. And claim those who don’t forgive their abusers, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand ‘compassion’ for abusers. And claim those who don’t have compassion, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand abuse should not be exposed and the victim should keep quiet. And claim those who do speak up, and do expose the evil of abuse, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim."
Looking back to my childhood I know now that I grew up in an environment where Shame Shifting was a daily occurrence. Anyone who grows up in an alcoholic family or under some other dysfunction knows it too well.
If that is you, then you know you're taught to walk on eggshells. You know that after an incident fingers are pointed to whoever was victimized, "You should just keep your mouth shut!"... "You know you shouldn't speak when they've been drinking!"..."It is your fault they exploded!"
If you're like me, then you also understand how easy it is to take the blame when you're a partner in an emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship and how you will do anything you can to change your own behaviors in an attempt to prevent the abuser from blowing up. Should an incident happen, you absorb and blame yourself, because somehow you feel you are to blame. If your husband says, "You're the reason I drink!" or "You made me hit you!" - you are more than willing to take on the guilt, the blame, and the shame.
Rarely does society shift blame on victims for stranger upon stranger crimes. Imagine if in the still of the night there was a break-in, and the person home was beaten and raped - would the headlines read, "Being Home Suspected Cause of Brutal Attack"
We shift shame mainly when the abuser is family and the victim is vulnerable. It is a way for society to make excuses for all those nightmares that happen behind closed doors, an excuse not to deal with it all in placing accountability.
We force "you must forgive" upon people who are not ready, who are still figuring out what happened in the first place. And, because someone said it was the "right" thing to do.
We give more breathing room and place less responsibility on the abusers than we do for the victims working on being survivors.
This shifting of shame will continue until those of us who know better tell our stories, claim our freedom, and guide others to do so.
Take it from me, When I Spoke Up and Shared My Story is #WhenIBecameFree.
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