Before you begin I just wanted to take a moment to say congratulations. As a survivor of many forms of abuse, including child sexual assault, domestic violence, and sexual assault as an adult, I know you are brave and ready to own your truths. Be proud of yourself and all that you have faced, surviving to this point.
Learning to be Free is an adventure I started back in 2006 and when my life was quite literally caving in around me. Everywhere I turned there was destruction and loss. My mother had just passed away in November of 2005 and the man I was married to for over a decade and a half had fallen off of a ten-year sobriety. When he fell, he fell hard and domestic violence took over our marriage.
At the time we were living in a rural Wisconsin community and had only lived there for a few short years. I did not know many people in my community who I could consider close friends- people I would feel comfortable reaching out to for support. Additionally, I was working as a reporter for our local community newspaper which placed me in the public eye.
The combination of being somewhat of an outsider in the public eye with hardly any friends forced me to take pen to paper, more like fingers to a keyboard, to express myself. This was especially true after my children dealt with teasing. Whispers were swirling around us.
Whispers in a small community can create an isolation like no other. I cried many of a night for my children. They didn't deserve what was happening to them. They deserved a childhood filled with good memories and stability. At the time our environment was anything but stable.
My anger took over to action and before I knew it I had started an online blog. I was determined to reclaim our story. Own our truth. What I did not plan on was that expressing myself in such a manner would turn into one of the best and most healing decisions I would ever make in my lifetime.
That blog, Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out, turned into my online journal. Soon I would find myself spending hours in the dark spilling out memories from my childhood. Memories I had spent decades protecting from seeing the light.
In doing so I started to learn a lot about myself, including recognizing my emotions for what they really were rather than labeling everything I felt as guilt.
Yes, prior to purging my soul I walked around feeling guilty for being alive. Internally I felt like God made a mistake by placing me on this Earth to live in this lifetime. I would feel guilty when I felt a twinge of joy. I would feel guilty if I felt disappointed or angry. Memories kept me chained to emotions and shame that were not mine to claim.The blog allowed me to let those memories out, giving the little girl I thought had been lost so very long ago, a voice. Her pain, her fears, her experiences were finally being validated and she, I, no longer carried the burden of crimes that were not mine to own.
Prior to writing in my blog and during the few times I did place myself in counseling, therapists had suggested keeping a journal but they never really explained how to go about writing one. I didn't quite understand how it would help and it felt silly to me that keeping a journal would be the key to healing.
I never really understood the concept of letting go and letting emotions flow. It was alien to me, that is, until I had shoved so much down deep that there was no longer any room to stuff the emotions I was running from.
My anger at the situation I was in somehow released and I no longer cared about controlling myself, nor did I feel I had to look perfect to the outside world. The more I wrote, the more I unleashed. That was when I realized I was healing.
After a while those memories no longer stung. I no longer felt guilt around every corner and I started appreciating the survivor I was and what I had to offer the world. The pieces of me were coming together and creating a beautiful and inspiring person, the person I had always been. The difference was I finally could see my own worth, my own value. I was learning to be free.
In making my life public other survivors started reaching out to me, thanking me for sharing my life with them and more importantly, my nightmares - my stories of survival. They told me they felt less alone. They also wanted to know how to get started in keeping their own journal where they could write their story and learn about themselves.
Over the years and through many emails sharing support and guidance I developed my own way in helping others to start the process of learning to be free, because, like me, no one had ever told them how to keep a journal. I explained that it does not need to be perfect and how they do not have to worry about spelling and grammar. Lastly, I told them how the process of journaling is about letting go and learning patience, the very things needed to fly free from a past weighing you down.
As you make your way through this guided journal remember this is not about getting anything right, this is all about focusing on you and allowing your inner voice to be heard by having a platform to shine on. Through it you should also learn more about your emotions and how to process them rather than running from them.
Lets Begin at the Core -
Right now, at this very moment, describe what you are feeling. What are you feeling in your core? In your gut? Are you scared? Is your stomach tied up in knots? Do you feel silly? Are you excited? Apprehensive? Hopeful? Use one word, two words, doodle, or write a paragraph - whatever you need to in order to convey this very moment in time. Remember that When was the last time you felt like this? Was it recently? Do you always carry this feeling? Are you still unsure how you are feeling?
If someone you cared about told you that they were feeling this way, what would you tell them? What action would you take? Would you hold their hand? Would you give them a hug for reassurance?
Get up, walk around. Go get something to drink or just take a moment to look at your surroundings. Try not to concentrate on that feeling. Just take a moment to breathe and to relax. Shake out your hands. Take 30 seconds, take a minute or 5 minutes, but return soon for the next step in this process. Just remember to breathe.
You can write your answers in your personal journal, on your blog, a notebook - your choice.
Now that you have had a moment try to remember how you were just feeling and then reach back in your mind, deep, and try to remember the first time you remember feeling like that? How old were you?
What was happening in your life at that time, what caused that feeling?
Did anyone know you were feeling that way and ,if so, how did they react to you?
Did their reaction stop you from feeling that way?
Now, can you give that feeling a name, an identity?
What is the label to the emotion you are feeling?
Are you feeling any other emotions?
If so, what are they?
Try to remember some other times you felt that core emotion? List those times, how old were you and what was happening that spawned the emotion.
Are you able to think of some things that you did when you've felt this way? Cry? Yell? Eat? Drink? Smoke a cigarette? Self-harm?
Are you feeling embarrassed or shameful for allowing yourself to feel this way?
What other emotions are you feeling?
Shame is often connected to fear. Can you or have you identified fear as one of the emotions, and if so, what are you fearful of?
Pay attention to your body as you are feeling whatever emotions you may be experiencing. Does your stomach churn? Are you getting a headache? Are you sweating? Perhaps you've been fighting tears. Try to describe everything your are physically experiencing
If you were able to describe any physical sensations, ask yourself when was the last time you felt like this? Is it often? Daily?
Explain what you do when those physical sensations take over. What are the thoughts in your head when you feel like this? Any actions you take...do you allow yourself to feel and remember or do you try to keep your mind focused on something else?
Emotional Foundation
Often when we were children we are taught that some emotions are bad for us and those lessons happened without us ever realizing they were occurring. Did that happen to you? Examples could be when you were sad or disappointed you were told "Stop crying!", "You're ungrateful," "You're too sensitive, "You're just like your ...."
In vulnerable moments like those we then may have felt shame. Shame is a motivating emotion which inspires change, but sometimes that change can work against us if our shame is misdirected. In cases where emotions are not valued by loved ones or trusted figures in our lives, shame can lead to silence. Silencing our feelings and emotions is an illusion, they are never silent, rather they will come out in different ways.
Emotions are the guideposts to our lives. They can warn us, they can motivate us, and they are our inner voice telling us to pay attention. Over the years society has taught us that some of our emotions are bad- negative -while others are positive. In the last few decades there has been a huge push in self-help to highlight only the positive and ignore the negative.
I am of the opinion that those sentiments are harmful for the individual and society on the whole. When we deny our emotions and do not process them for what they are we miss those guideposts in our lives. That guidance is there to help us make future decisions based on our life experiences and the lessons we have learned. Each of those life lessons has been filled with emotions. Our lives, our experiences and our emotions all need to be respected and honored. Each are part of our foundation for our future.
List 3 of each; what you have been told or learned are "negative" emotions and what the "positive" ones are also please explain why you feel they should have that label.
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