For part 1 please visit this : Learning to be Free - a guided journal part 1
PART 2 - Getting your story out
(Questions are writing prompts for your own journal)
For as long as I could remember I was told keeping a journal would be an emotionally healthy and helpful tool for healing. The problem was no one quite explained how to go about it all - explain how I would be able to focus on healing rather than creating a distraction from facing issues in my past, processing emotions, and learning that the time I spent getting to know myself would be the best investment I ever spent.
As survivors of trauma we learn early on how to control, or attempt to control our surroundings. We often do that so we can avoid emotions, or at least try to avoid the emotions we rather would not feel because they are tied to some of the horrors in our life.
Before getting serious about journaling I scoured the internet and read self-help books all in an effort to get rid of the emotions I didn't want to feel. I thought if I could just rid myself of them, it would open the floodgates. I was wrong. In my search to rid those once thought negative emotions from my life, I actually learned that feeling them, completely feeling them and processing them in a healthy manner is what would give me the courage to let go and knock down emotional barriers to let my story out.
It is believed that complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) often co-exists with perfectionism. If you are unaware of what C-PTSD is the the Depression Alliance (www.depressionalliance.org) outlines the symptoms/characteristics as follows:
What are the Common Behaviors/Characteristics?
Unwanted reliving of the trauma
You might experience memory blanks, intense nightmares and flashbacks, where it feels like you have gone back in time and experiencing the trauma all over again.
Dissociation
Trauma can make you feel as if you’re disconnected from your own body and mind; or as if the world around you is not real, like you’re in a dream.
Avoidance
C-PTSD makes you want to avoid being reminded of your trauma. This might involve pushing away memories that pop into your mind, or avoiding people and places that remind you of what has happened.
Fear
Chronic trauma is likely to leave you feeling afraid and tuned in to signs of danger. You’re also likely to be jumpy and on edge, even long after the trauma has stopped; and the fear may prevent you from sleeping or concentrating properly.
Negative sense of self and the world
CPTSD survivors often carry overwhelming and distorted feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness. You may also blame yourself for what happened. On the other hand, it may also feel as if the whole world is against you and that you aren’t able to trust anyone.
Relationship problems
C-PTSD makes it hard to maintain stable relationship patterns, given that so many survivors experienced abuse and betrayal early-on in life. For this reason, you may find yourself withdrawing and avoiding social contact, or else repeatedly getting involved in relationships that are characterized by conflict, abandonment or abuse.
Difficulty managing emotions
A hallmark of C-PTSD is the experience of intense and uncontrollable emotions that can range from rage and hate to fear and sadness. You may find it difficult to experience any feelings of hope or happiness and you may engage in self-harm or suicidal behavior.
For more information on C-PTSD visit: https://www.depressionalliance.org/cptsd/
Is it a wonder why those who have experienced trauma, especially ongoing trauma as a child, would have a difficult time just even starting the process of a healing journal? If that is you, know you're in good company - there are many who struggle to find the words and when they do, they then struggle with trying not to control the process.
As you read the information on on C-PTSD what were the emotions you were feeling?
Did you notice any physical sensations? Any twinges? Any aches? If so, what were they?
What memories flashed through your mind as you read about the symptoms of C-PTSD? Concentrate on the oldest memory, what is was, when it happened, and what occurred.
Is this a memory that often flashes in your mind? If so, how often would you say you remember it in a week's time?
Does it flash in your mind on a daily basis? If so, how many times would you say it plays out?
When it does flash in your mind do you experience the same emotions? If not, what other emotions do you feel as you remember it?
How about those physical sensations? Are they always present when you have this flashback memory?
Are there any other physical reactions you've had in the past while remembering this incident?
Other than having it not happen, if you could change one aspect of the incident surrounding around the cause of your flashback, what would be? Would it be telling someone about it when it happened? Perhaps it would be what your reaction was at the time. If so, what would you change?
Have you told anyone who was not present during the incident causing that flashback about what happened?
If not, why not?
In looking back to that incident and any other trauma you have survived, how many times has trauma invaded your life? For instance I was sexually assaulted by (5) different predators before the age of 14. I grew up in an alcoholic family with an emotionally distant mother. By the age of 14 I had attempted suicide many times. I married an alcoholic and our marriage ended in domestic violence, including sexual assault. Now it is your turn, give a summary of the trauma in your life. You do not need to go into details, just a simple summary.
Try to remember some of the emotions you felt as you wrote out that summary. Select some emotions you felt or remember feeling.
Calm- Content- Jolly- Satisfied -Relaxed
Happy Giddy Interested Enthusiastic Overjoyed Excited
Mesmerized Amazed Thrilled Fixated Exuberant Obsessed
Surprised Startled Unsure Apprehensive Afraid Confused Concerned
Nervous Anxious Worried Afraid Astonished Awed Terrified Frantic
Hysterical Bored Cranky Distracted Aggravated Irritated
Upset Frustrated Angry Distaste Disbelief Disgusted Irate Apathetic Contemptuous
Bitter Disdain Loathing Enraged Hurt Disappointed Sad Distraught Grief
Depressed Despair Regret Nostalgic Numb Scared
In the past when you felt the emotions you selected, how would they manifest? What would you do after experiencing them?
Cry Yell Laugh Drink Alcohol Smoke a Cigarette Eat
Bite Your Nails Take to your Bed Shop Gamble
Self Harm/Cut Call a Friend to Vent Clean House Exercise
Draw/Paint Panic Steal Cook/Bake Take Illegal Drugs
Take Prescription Drugs
Pray
Now is the perfect time to remind you that negative emotions do not exist. Our emotions are a reaction to our surroundings and experiences. Our behavior in dealing with our emotions can be labeled as negative or positive, but not the actual emotion. Please remember that as we move forward and as you go through life. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your emotions are bad. They are what they are - it IS as simple as that.
Letting Your Story Out - Exercises for Journaling
Now that you've started to understand about your emotions and quite possibly some of your reactionary behaviors to them, it is time to start Learning to be Free . As you continue on I will be guiding you through some writing exercises. Please remember that there are no right nor wrong answers. Spelling and grammar is not a concern. If at anytime you feel overwhelmed, then by all means take a break.
Healing is a process, it is a journey. I believe all of us, from the moment we are born, are on a healing adventure and along the way our experiences in life are there to propel us, even though at times those experiences may feel like all they do is create barriers to living.
Take what you want and incorporate it into your routine and/or when you feel like you're having writer's block. If you're not ready for any part of the following, then move on to another exercise. There is no specific order, these are just suggestions and examples to think about as your start your own path to being free. Being free to journal means letting go of the constraints you've placed upon yourself - those worry chains of not being good enough, perhaps making a mistake. If you let go of those then your story will flow out naturally in the way that is meant to be for your healing. Your emotions will no longer be sequestered away, they will be honored as the guideposts in your life that they were meant to be.
Thought provoking questions
As soon as you set aside time to journal and put pen to paper or your fingers to the keyboard, pay homage to your emotions by writing about how you're feeling in that moment. One example could be, "Today I am dealing with frustration...." or even, "I don't know how I am feeling, I can't feel anything, I feel numb."
How have you been dealing with the emotions today.? Have you been trying to ignore them but they persist? Have you relied on old habits of coping? What types of behaviors have you exhibited today?
Did you speak or text anyone and told them the truth about how you're feeling today?
If you did, what was their reaction?
If you didn't, why not? Was it because you were afraid of their reaction? Or, perhaps, you don't believe other people are interested in your day and your emotions? If so, can you think back and try to remember the first time you felt discounted and explain it?
Name something you would change about your day.
What was the best thing that happened to you today?
What emotions were you feeling when it happened?
Is there something coming up that are worried about and feel apprehensive about? If yes, what is it and why do you feel like you're stressing over it?
In a perfect world you would be able to control everything around you,, if that was the case, what things would you change in you current situation?
What would you change about your past? Be specific.
Considering that life and all of us are perfectly flawed and that we cannot change our past, what piece (s) of advice would you give to the child you once were?
Remembering Who You Are
If you had to describe yourself to another person, what would you say?
What do you see as your strengths?
Is there anything that triggers bad memories or makes you feel anxious? If so, explain. Give a detailed account.
What brings you joy? Is it a person? A situation? A memory?
It can be anything, but try to pinpoint something or someone that always brings a smile to your face, and then write about all the whys.
What are you afraid of - your main fear in life? Perhaps there are a few things. List your fears, explain, in detail, what comes to mind when you think of those fears.
Have you ever created a bucket list of goals? If so what items are on that list and what ones have you crossed off? if not, try to think of 10 things you want to accomplish in the your life before you die. Talk about why they are a goal.
Do you have any regrets? Have you ever made amends for the things you label as a regret?
Do you remember ever feeling unloved when you were a child? If so, explain what that felt like and why you believe you weren't nurtured or why you felt unloved.
Now that you are an adult have you ever had the feeling that you were unlovable? If so, why do you think you feel or why did you feel that way?
In part three we will take an even deeper look at releasing your story so that you can fly free. Check back for that posting. In the meantime, remember the following - I wrote it a few years ago when I was trying to understand and embrace my life. .....
CHAPTERS...
The chapters of our lives are filled with adventure, tears, sadness, and hopefully growth - like the strokes in a painting they come together and create fine art.
Each one begins afresh as another tale unfolds- sometimes the chapter holds the key to fabulous tomorrows or glimpses into the memories of yesterdays....one has hard time standing on it's without the others.
The one thing that remains constant is all the chapters flow into the next, never really ending...that is...until the last one is experienced and the book of our life comes to completion.
Until that last line - that step in life is completed - the story does not stop, and even then, if read well and shared with many the novel of our life continues on in the chapters of those who read our own.
That is the ever giving beauty of life -even as we struggle through a difficult chapter of our own-one we may believe it to be too much to bare, sooner or later the story of the whole will come together and before us life will once again make sense ...the picture created comes into focus.
It is however those chapters where everyday seems impossible to get through - turning a page is like lifting the weight of the world - those are the chapters where it would be so much easier to walk away from and allow someone else tell our story, absorb our's into theirs - use us and then discard us once we no longer serve a purpose for their own.
Patience is key to getting through those pages we would rather not - and when we do the next to begin will often do so with ease. An ease that brings about a peace ...these are the pages where the joys come to life, where hearts soar and souls are healed. These are the chapters that give me strength to turn those pages of the ones I would rather not... anticipation for better tomorrows is the fuel for life.
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