I am tired.
Actually, I am exhausted.
It has been one Hell of a year after a couple of very trying years.
I wish I could say it was all just Covid related and being stuck in the house as I am high risk- but it is not just that, it is everything else that has happened.
I haven't talked about my Memphis chapter of a life as, well, it is all just beyond you "can't make this shit up" -
Here I am 53 years old and supposed to be in the part of my life where things get a little easier, but let me tell you right now, that is a lie.
I am finding the older you get, the less time you have for bullshit. You tend to get a little more blunt while also, in a weird way, a lot more patient. A part of you sits back and watches as others dig themselves into a hole, while the other part of you knows they really don't want to push that final button of your patience.
I warn people not to do that because I know me, I've had too many years fighting for justice behind me - for myself and others. I know that once that button is pushed, I will sink my teeth in and not stop until justice is had.
Anyway, that button has been pushed a few times in the last couple of years - and each time all I can think is, "Why? Don't do that, please - really - no" ....next comes full blown advocacy/advocate and I know it shocks the unexpecting, especially those who don't really know me nor my history - I WILL make sure I am heard, and I will do it in a way they've never experienced before - openly, honestly, keeping my cool while being extremely assertive, not aggressive, assertive.
I've been trained well by a few mentors and at one time the National Training and Information Center in Chicago - now they go by just by People's Action.
That was back in the day when I was fighting for the rights of students with special needs and had started a parent group, Parent-2-Parent for Special Students. That parent group joined a statewide coalition, Parents Alliance for Compliance in special Education (PACE) - PACE went from being an Illinois coalition to becoming a national one. We worked tirelessly towards bringing compliance of special education laws to the schools as well raising awareness of what our children faced and how courageous they all were.
I am not trying to brag, it is just a fact, I rose quickly within the ranks of PACE to become the president. I am my father's daughter in that when it comes time to protecting those we love and standing up for others, we do it without question and we don't care who is standing before us. Maybe that is just being German, or maybe it is from having being hurt so much ourselves, we can't stand watching others in pain. I don't know - perhaps leadership runs in the family. Daddy was the president of his UAW and his brother George was a Major General. It is in our blood, I suppose.
Anyhow, that training I received along with all those trips to state capitals and Washington DC tends to kick in from time to time and right now it has definitely kicked in - the little guy
(me) is taking on a fat cat system....
But I'm tired and I am disgusted right now. Disgusted that the button pushed came out of people attempting to cover their tracks, not doing their job and getting buried in their own mishaps and lies about something that really is just a simple part of life but by doing so can make a living hell for the common person.
I know - this is cryptic. My regular readers will remember the series I did on propane and price gouging a while ago - it was an offshoot for my blog from the articles I did for the paper when I was a reporter.
I don't know what it is but when I witness an injustice and see how it affects others as well as my own, I dig in. It has always been this way. I guess it is innate to who I am - especially when the victims are just everyday average people and the system is corrupt - justice should never be out of reach for those who need it the most.
But, yeah, I am tired. I don't feel well and I haven't felt well for a long time . I need to take this lemon of a body I was given and get some things checked. I am worried about that growth on my kidney they found two years ago, and, also the one on my ovary and then this year a new issue popped up -I have a new lump at the sternoclavicular joint - it is most likely dislocated from autoimmune arthritis.
Part of the goal of moving to Memphis right after having surgery was to heal and take care of those things, but, for someone reason - me and that "you can't make this shit up luck" kicked me in the ass as I was given false information from the Tennessee Department of Human Services when I called them prior to moving to ensure my Badger Care could be switched over to their version - I was told it wouldn't be a problem only to find out, yeah, it is a huge fucking problem. I have no health insurance - I can't work because I am not well - and this state didn't take the expansion. Lovely, huh? So, I wait as I enter the maze of trying to get approved for Social Security Disability. That doctor's visit is in February.
It is a lot to absorb while also worrying about the kids and their unemployment because of Covid running out the day after Christmas.
Yeah, I am tired. And, yes, I don't feel well ---- but, justice calls and Daddy's DNA is kicking into gear.
What has happened to people just doing the right fucking thing to begin with? What has happened to integrity? Why are there so many damn greedy bastards walking this planet? What happened to Love thy Neighbor? Taking care of one another, not shitting on a stranger to protect your own ass?
I just don't get it. And yes, I am tired ---
But - I refuse to lose faith in humanity.
Perhaps this is my pep talk. Perhaps I just needed to get it all out of my system so I can handle this battle. For fuck sake, I am tired of people trying to cheat those who have nothing to be cheated out of -it is sick.
Yeah, I am in a mood. I must be. My fingers are killing me but at the same time I need to get out all of these frustrations to move forward.
I am also extremely sad. In the last three weeks I've had 4 friends lose a parent to Covid and countless others come down with it - how does a system absorb all of this? Are we made to really do that? I cannot imagine that is what God intended when he gave us all life - to be this overwhelmed. We screwed up. We did it to ourselves and most likely because we've forgotten how to Love thy Neighbor - too many out there with greed as a motivation.
History will not be kind to us.
Don't worry about me - I don't give up. I just need to spew it all out sometimes so I can remember my steps, the strength I've attained from all those experiences in this crazy life of mine....
I still believe in Humanity
I still believe in the Good
I still believe all these intense situations DO give way to better tomorrows...
Tomorrow, hopefully, I will awake a little less tired --
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