A belated birthday wish

Today is my mother's birthday, had she lived should would be turning 72 years old. Mom died in November of 2005 - it was unexpected and sudden. That day, that cold November day, changed my life in more ways than one.

My mother was a rather interesting woman. Married twice, she gave birth to 5 children...4 of which came from her first marriage, and me from her second marriage.

For many years I did not understand why my mother kept an emotional distance from everyone...her children, and now as I realize, herself.

I did not get the daily hugs like the ones I give my own children...."I love you" was something I rarely ever heard come from my mother's mouth.

While to the outside world we looked like a happy family behind closed doors there was a sadness that penetrated everything...everyone ..in our home.

As a young girl all I ever wanted from my mother was approval....and I would do everything and anything that was in my power to attain it. I was the "good girl" - the "responsible one" - the "reliable one" ...but for some reason I never felt that nurturing comfort ...that loving bond that should be there...the one a mother and child has.

Growing up I started questioning why....why was it like that....why no matter how hard it seemed we tried at times...there was that distance?

Eventually those unanswered questions gave way to an anger that I didn't know I had churning inside.

And that anger?

That ache?

Surfaced after my mother passed on........

My questions would never be answered...and knowing that....opened the door.

Adding to it was the destruction of my marriage....the abuse that now had entered the picture....and I was a parentless child that needed nurturing more than ever in my life...with no where to go -

ANGER!

I will admit that I spent many a night crying...questioning why...

I was that good girl...

I was that good wife...

I was the child that could be counted on...

I did everything asked of me...

Why??

Why????

Why???? Why, when I needed the unconditional mother's love it was never there....never will be.....WHY?

Issues revolving around my mother sent me to seek out counseling more than once in my life.

Quick to judge...

Quick to insult....to slap...to hit...

Quick to discount...

Where the basis(foundation) to many of those unanswered questions about my mom and why.

Perhaps....

As I believe...

It all happened for a reason....

Had I not spent so many years feeling alone surrounded by family...

Had I not learned how to seek out answers because of questions that remained...

Had I not walked the steps that I did in life.....

Perhaps...

I would not have been able to find my own inner strength to learn how to nurture myself...

My own pain...

The child within who blindly went without...

Had I not experienced all of that maybe I wouldn't have the compassionate heart that I do...

Maybe I wouldn't be able to empathize with others in pain...

Maybe I wouldn't have had some of the great experiences I have had in helping other find their voices...be that advocate....

Who is to say?

I do know that in the last three years I have done a lot of thinking without the chaos of certain relationships always diverting my thoughts...my direction.

And now I realize something I always knew...

Mom was in pain.

The pain of a first marriage ending with infiedility...alcohlism...physical and emotional abuse..

The pain of losing her first born child at the young and tender age of 9.

The pain of struggling as a single mom with three kids in the 1960's...

The pain of falling in love with a man who would also one day carry the label of an alcholic...

The fear that must have been in her every day ...every time my father drank...those triggers left over from that first marriage...will he hit me? will he hurt me? will he cheat on me? well.. will he?

While my father wasn't abusive in those ways....he was an alcoholic...and my mother loved him and stood by to watch his health deteriorate because of it........the drinking.

I am sure she sat with haunting thoughts of the past, and wondering when the disappointments would end,,,,

Yes ...now I see that....

That's why there was that distance....

That's how she kept herself safe....

My mother carried her pain with her in all that she did....like most women who have lived with abuse do....it becomes a twisted comfort at some point...all they know how to do.

My mother was a victim ...

And I learned to survive....

Had I not had that childhood...those questions...

Perhaps I wouldn't know why....

But like me, there was much more to my mother than those questions of why...

She was a good ..reliable employee...

When she laughed....you remembered it..

She would help a stranger without question...

She just didn't know how to help herself....

Mom, I am so sorry for all the pain in your life...

All those disappointments...

All those aches...

All that love that was before you but you were to fearful to lose....

Mom, I am sorry that we couldn't discover these answers together...

But most importantly mom......

I love and forgive you........

and yes ...I miss you.