2017 - Thanks for the memories....

Another year is about to come to a close. Perhaps that is why, lately, I find sleep difficult to come by. This year has been a year filled with lessons, some of which I never planned on learning. I guess, when you think about it, those are the lessons we need to learn the most.

Last year at this time I was apprehensive and filled with fears. Fears surrounding my children moving 10 hours away from me. It was the first time we have been a part for any significant amount of time. The day they drove away was probably the hardest day of my life. I will never forget that feeling, I felt like my core had been ripped out. It was a pain I cannot describe. Since they were born, everything I did...everything I had hoped for and dreamed about centered around my boys - keeping them happy, healthy and safe - and just like a bird taking flight, they left the nest I worked so hard on keeping them safe in.

I miss their faces, their complaining, the shenanigans but most of all I miss them walking into my bedroom at night and sitting on my bed while I worked on my computer. I miss those conversations about everything under the sun. I miss not having privacy.

Being alone is not new to me. I spent most of my childhood alone in my bedroom. Often it was because I was on bedrest for one medical reason or another. That is what happens when you're sick as a kid. You learn quickly how to be alone. I know how to preoccupy myself and keep my brain functioning and learning.

I am not lonely - just alone. Well, that is not actually true, I do have my pets surrounding me...usually laying on top of me to the point it is a struggle to get up and moving. I am their furniture.

I learned that I did a good job as a mother - the boys are doing well. They are sustaining themselves, working and growing as human beings. Yes, I am proud of them.

Spring brought about something I hope to never experience again. I almost lost a dear friend. It is a long story and not mine to tell, but I am thankful to say he is doing much better. Life throws curve balls at the most unexpected times.

I had so many plans for this year. I was going to take 2017 by storm. It was going to be my year to shine. A rebirth - but somehow I got trapped in that birth canal - it has been laborious.

Work brought about some challenges but we survived them all. The paper is still being printed and continues to grow, especially it's digital footprint. Thankfully this job allows me some freedom, if I had the constraints of a typical 9-5 job, I would suffocate. I do work too much, all hours of the day and night. This coming year I need to step back from that and fill my time with something else, for me and just for me.

I learned that I can survive the 90-degree weather and the humidity in Memphis without any electricity. My twisted luck came to the surface during a Memorial Day trip to visit my sons - a storm of a century type hit and knocked out the electricity for 9 days, 5 of which I had the pleasure (sarcasm) to experience. The best part of that trip for me was the time I spent with my boys, in their dark -hot -steamy- apartment, sitting and talking about everything under the sun. It felt like home.

This year I also learned I cannot be around self-serving people. Those who only do something for recognition. I call them "smile for the camera" type of people. My blood literally boils when I am around them...sooner or later, my mouth starts spewing as well. I've never been good at being fake. Hollywood would reject me. I need to keep my boundaries intact with those types.

I've also learned that while my mind may create some great plans, my health doesn't always cooperate - living with autoimmune disorders can be a bitch and others do not always understand what they cannot see. I need to find my balance. That is a goal for 2018.

I am proud that I started a journaling workshop for survivors of abuse. Even if it has helped just a few, it reminds me that my life and everything in it has been for a reason. You can take sour lemons and make some great lemonade.

Going into 2018 I know I need to make changes - 2017 has taught me that. I need to work harder at seeing those changes through - it is my time for happiness and joy. I've done my job as a mother and now it is time for me to sit back and cherish those fruits of my labor.

Transitions are painful for a reason - 2017 was a transitional year. I am nowhere near ready to give up so this coming year shall be my year to shine.

Trusting myself and my intuition along with other my gifts is becoming easier for me. There will always be people with label makers ready to judge and gossip - I am really at the point where I just do not give a damn.

My house will be sold. I must believe that. I thank God I had it during those toughest years but now, for me, it is a vault of memories -many of which are not good for me to be surrounded by. This house needs a new start as much as I do.

I still dream that one day I can win enough in the lottery to walk away from it with all my bills paid and a little cushion money. I would give it to some struggling mom needing a break, allow her some breathing room so she can have a new start too.  You never know....dreams can come true. I will always believe in that.

I enter 2018 as a 50-year-old woman. It is still hard for me to accept that 5-0. My forties are a blur, I worked so hard as just getting by day to day that I don't remember where all the time went. No wonder I am tired.  It is time for me to be rested.

I did break down and purchased my membership for AARP but I really think they should change that name. How many retired 50-year-olds do you know?  Someone was smoking something when they came up with that name but I guess when it started in 1958 life was different- average people were able to retire.

I am a little winded going into 2018 but that is okay - it has been a long race and I ran hard.

Hopefully, a year from today when I look back at this post I can say "Wow, you finally did it. You took care of yourself first."  I need to do that, it IS what I preach to others.

So with that - I am preparing my farewell to this transitional year.

 Thanks for the memories.......I will not forget the lessons I learned.

Excuse typos - it is late and I am too tired to edit!