God is testing me

Yes, God is testing me.

He is testing my strength as a mother, as a woman, and as a spiritual human.

A couple of posts ago I wrote about my Little Engine That Could adventure with my car.  Well, it is looking like the gas pump failed after my gas gauge broke. I guess running on fumes does that.  That was the preliminary finding from the mechanic who is booked up until after Christmas.  He also said it would be at least a $500 fix if it is the gas pump. Merry Christmas! My brother gave me enough to cover the tow and a little more. Tonight I will list items on eBay and hopefully, it will be enough or near enough to cover the rest of the bill for whenever that car gets fixed....probably next year.

A lot of the work I do I can complete from home, so, I guess I will be, once again, setting up my office from my bedroom and bum rides for when I need to be at the actual office. That juggling act I can handle. I've been there before.

Last night my eldest son, Justin, broke down in tears while on the phone with me. He is 24 years old and one of the kindest souls I have ever known. Justin has had so many hurdles in his life. Born with mild cerebral palsy he has had to deal with aching muscles, an awkward gait, severe dyslexia and a childhood plagued with seizures. Throw in the domestic violence he witnessed, growing up in a poverty-stricken single-parent household,  to coming out as a member in the LGBT community while living in rural USA, well let's just say I went to bed many of night with tears asking God why my child had to suffer through so much at such a young age.

His tears were not for himself, they were for me, "Mom, you don't need this." I calmed him down and reminded him that somehow I've always managed to get through obstacles, and this is just a test to see if I can still do it. "Justin, you know I've always been good at getting through, don't worry."

He then offered me his paycheck. I had to laugh because it was just a couple of nights before all of this I loaned him money to get through until he got paid. "Don't worry Justin, I got this."

Next thing was Kyle to get on the phone. Kyle is a lot like me, outside he is a tower of strength and stubborn beyond compare, inside he fights the demons of self-doubt. Over the years I tried to help him past some of that, but suffering through childhood trauma has a lasting impact. There's a reason that boy was born to play and sing the blues. He too made offers that I refused.

I've lived and survived through worse times, I can do this. It is just this time, I am achingly missing my boys.

One thing I've learned through this journey of life is that money is the root of all that is evil. People judge you if you don't have it - and then they judge you if you have it. I've seen good people change once they start making more than they ever had before, and I've seen souls crumble when they lose it all. I refuse to let that poison enter my bloodstream. My pocketbook will never define me. My children, their hearts, and their happiness is the only thing I really worry about.  Oh, and any future grandchildren (which there better be) that I can cuddle and spoil with attention and love.

All of this is happening just a couple of weeks after my best friend returned to his home in Oregon. Steve is quite the interesting human being.  Highly intelligent, perhaps too much so. Eccentric, I guess, is the word I would use to describe him. He is 6'4" - tall...lanky..and strikingly handsome. He has all that going for him but he would rather lock himself up on his property in Oregon, and rebuild those antique pocket watches - he gets lost in the beauty of repairing time. Visting me in Wisconsin or our regular midnight phone calls is his way of staying present in the world outside his doors.  Did I mention he is also a mechanic? Yeah, the man has impeccable timing (kinda ironic) he leaves right before my 50th birthday, the holidays and my damn car breaking down. Yes, that's my twisted luck.

Yes, all of this MUST be a test.

Now, here is the kicker, something that I rarely talk about to people outside my inner circle. When I am stressed I let my guard down - a certain wall I built up as a child when I discovered I was different than a lot of people.  I am able to sense those unseen energies that are all around us. As a child and into my young adult years, I had premonitions in my dreams - they always came true. It scared me. Then one night my grandmother came to me in my sleep. She told me about my grandfather who down in a hospital in Texas. She told me the staff was not being honest about what was going on, and that he was supposed to die sooner -they were keeping him alive and soaking up medicare money, charging for things he did not receive while at the same time giving my mother false hope in their phone calls to her.  Off the wall, I know. It is hard for me to write about it but I must. I could see her, sensed her and smelled her. The next day when the staff phoned my mother I was mad. I threw a fit. I screamed at my mother that she needed to get down there as soon as possible, Grandpa needed her - and that he would pass on after she arrived.  Believe me when I say I know how crazy this all sounds. Mom took my warning and booked a flight that day. Soon after she arrived, my grandfather passed. I've tried to block out and not remember my dreams ever since.

There were other things in my youth that happened and some of my oldest friends know about it all but it was never something I spoke at openly until the last couple of years. People judge gifts like this, and the label makers will be at it, but I am at the point in my life that I don't give a shit.

The stress of life has my guards down and I am picking up those energies once again - more so this week than I have in a long time. That became clear earlier this week when I was with a friend and I relayed messages to her from her father that had passed on. Stuff that kinda blew me away...she understood those messages, most of them, and because of it all, she now is on the right track to healing.

I've discovered the people I pick up on the most all have something in common - they were greatly wounded as a child.  There was a teen girl this week, a stranger, I sensed her grandmother around her. The girl's story was relayed to me and I wanted to hug her and tell her to let go of the shame. I didn't.

Thankfully, in 2014 I met a woman through a friend, one in which I shared some of my past experiences. It was after I had found someone's birth mother after only a 10-minute search and with guidance from...well, ya know. The woman I had helped had been searching for her mother for decades. I had little to no real factual information, it all came from somewhere else. During it all, I was freaked out - fighting self-doubt - feeling like a freak of nature. That woman I met in 2014 helped to ease some of my fears. The following year I met another woman who was openly sharing her gifts and was also dealing with the fear what people would think. Since that time more people like me started coming into my life - all happenstance, so I thought.

Now I feel it is all for a reason. Not sure what that reason is, but I do know it is a gift that should not be wasted, it should not be taken advantage of, nor should it be exploited. What I do with it, well, that is still a question. I just feel it is time to honor it, like I tell that extremely gifted musician son of mine to honor his gift.

Another test.

I know people will talk. I know people will judge. I know people will whisper. They always do. Bring it on.

So, why do I purge all of this - all these adventures of me? Well, I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of people like me walking around with like experiences and feeling like that freak of nature. They are afraid to let others know who they truly are and what they believe and what they have experienced. They are afraid of ridicule and rejection. They are lonely in crowds. I have a voice that I am compelled to use - and do so in this blog. I have had just about every social issue/cause dumped in my lap for a reason. There's a reason for it all and if that reason is so that I can help others feel less alone and comfortable in their own skin, so be it.

Those are my test answers, hopefully, I pass.