It IS the thought that counts...

Ten years ago I was in shambles. I cried every time I was alone with myself. My heart was breaking for my children. I had already filed for divorce, the last brutal attack from my husband was still fresh in my mind and my boys' minds. I shudder to remember just how poor we were. Had I not had the house at the time all this had happened, we would have been homeless - I tried to hold on to that fact as a form of hope and appreciation for what we did have, each other and a roof.

But -

I felt like a failure. I was embarrassed every time I went to the store and used my food stamp card. I prayed no one noticed it when I swiped it in the machine. I would hold it in a way I thought covered the "I'm poor" EBT green.  I literally was counting pennies - searching for them everywhere in my home, under pillows...in pockets...hoping for coins in the washing machine, because maybe I forgot to look prior to doing laundry.  The turkey from the food pantry would be our Christmas meal.

Guilt weighed me down. The pressure of that weight wouldn't allow me to sleep. It was immobilizing. I worked but I didn't make enough to do much of anything. Back then I was paid just $20 per article and I was running ragged trying to cover as much as I could.

I ached for the holidays I once knew. The days when I was able to spoil my children with not only love but also presents under the tree. Those were also the days when my parents were alive and our family gatherings were large. I'd prepare holiday meals for large crowds...but 10 years ago it was just us, the boys and I, and the meals were smaller.

As I went around the community covering holiday events, I brought my boys with. I had hoped they would still enjoy the magic of Christmas being out and about with community but it was hard to come home to our bare  Christmas tree. The boys would tell me not to worry, that they didn't need anything that year. I knew they were being strong for me - which then just added to my guilt. No child should ever take on such a burden.

The few gifts that did come early in a box were delivered by a sexual assault advocate and were coats. I was grateful but at the same time it was a reminder why they were even under our tree...my marriage was over, their father was in jail, and they witnessed him brutalize me emotionally, physically, and sexually.

That year a special person, who then was pretty much still a stranger to me, sent to me something special for the boys - money to buy them video games. I cried even more. The boys had no idea they were about to receive something special.

The gaming devices arrived two days before Christmas.

I will never forget that Christmas morning and the looks on their faces when they opened their presents. There was hope, excitement, and surprise all wrapped up together in their eyes.

They shouted at me questions on how...why...who...
To which I told them it was a Secret Santa. They both had tears in their eyes and it wasn't only for the gifts but also because they were remembered and thought of - not forgotten.

Looking back at Christmases like that one, I know helped to create the wonderful individuals I raised. Both are caring human beings who now think of others during times of need.

They do not judge people for their status in life. Actually, they both are drawn to people who know the struggle and both would do whatever they could to put a smile on a child's face or let someone else know they were worth their time.

A few weeks ago, my son Kyle, took a video of a homeless man he has befriended in Memphis. The man sang a rather depressing song about life on the street. Last week, Kyle was excited to tell me that man was found by a family member and is now living with them.

Tonight when I spoke to him he was waiting for my other son, Justin, to get off of work down on Beale St. at A Schwabs. During our conversation, another homeless man my children have befriended started talking to him.  I listened to my son respond back to him, giving him full attention and respect. I actually knew the man he was speaking to as I had met him earlier this year when I visited the boys in May. My heart filled with pride as I listened to my son carry on that quick conversation.

Life can be hectic and we all can get rushed to the point that we do not realize our surroundings, especially the people we walk by on the street. We do not notice our neighbors are dealing with heavy situations, or perhaps that co-worker is fighting some demons but if you take time and effort you just may change their life and yours. It can be as simple as sharing a smile, a cup of coffee, or a conversation, to something grand, like a Secret Santa present.

Today I was the recipient of such a gesture. A reader of this blog sent to me some Christmas magic - the timing was perfect - the little gifts of peace signs and butterflies gave me hope but most of all it was the gift of being remembered and thought of, that meant the most. Thank you, Kim. You impacted my day today and my tomorrows in a positive way. I am forever grateful.

May you all experience the Magic of Christmas during this holiday season and carry it with you all year long.