I don’t know why and what, but whenever I hear a certain call, I feel alive and at home all at once. Over the years I’ve examined that part of myself because I also understand the traumatized and how co-dependency can and will play out. It’s difficult to step outside of yourself and evaluate motivations and intent, but when you’re stepping into a lion’s den, you need your wits to tackle what will be before you.
Yesterday I did something I haven’t done in years, what it was and who is not what I am sharing today, it was hearing the call, that call that goes straight to your heart and you know you can answer it.
For waking up that part of me again I must thank a woman who reminds me of myself in some ways, and I barely know her.
My son alerted me to a few situations in the news and revolving around a woman who has dedicated her life to be there for those in crisis. Kyle grew up on my hip doing similar work but rather it being in Rockford, Illinois, we did our work/volunteering in rural Wisconsin.
I read the articles and almost immediately understood and bonded with the situation/scandal playing out. That woman is known as Miss Carly and she is a free spirit with an empathic heart ready for battle. I understand women like that — we don’t fit into a mold.
She’s about crisis, intervention and prevention. When you’re a service organization your board and the powers that be are concerned with reports, meetings, liabilities, objectives, grant writing and image. All of which are needed to keep things running smoothly.
Throw in a gossiping community and other organizations more than willing to go after the same funding, the environment can quickly turn into a local political battle with offshoots that create even more division.
Can you tell I’ve been there? Done that?
But you need the compassion and passion in the hearts of the people on the ground. That urgency to spread love is what makes a difference — it is what will save lives and break cycles.
It’s tough being that person. Every day you’re out there placing your heart out to be devoured and just because you don’t want to see your fellow human being going without, being neglected by society passing by.
Getting back to yesterday — there was an opportunity to meet Miss Carley and get a glimpse into her world, one that took me back to when I did the same type of work — running from one crisis to another while dodging arrows of so called friendly fire.
I guess with the way the words are flowing out about it all, I felt a bond. It all was very familar to me. A part of me awoke again. I started thinking about giving journaling workshops again. Maybe help others find their voice so they can tell their stories, like I once did.
The only thing is I fell down that slippery slope and burned out in the pits of Hell fighting the American Social Security Disability Insurance application system, and then fighting for absolutely every little thing my doctors ordered, but my Medicaid insurance from Centene, denied one way or another.
It placed me in my childrens’ home. While I fought. I was one of the lucky ones.
So, a part of me wants to protect security and another part of me wants to get as far away from the system as possible but I cannot end up where I did, not after all these years and everything I’ve done. That scares the hell out of me.
Now do you see where the rebel ones get their passion, their drive? We know the pain.
I spend my days stuck in a house with a mind that still wants to be out there and part of life, working towards better tomorrows and especially for children. But the work I’ve done for that has always been freely given, voluntary — straight from my heart. I never wanted to taint it with greed. I worked jobs to support my volunteerism and raising my kids. The balance was sometimes off but in the end I am extremely proud of the kids I raised — they’re grounded.
I’m not sure how to explain all of this or if I am conveying it all right. I’m not ready to give up. I believe we can fix this shit our slumber has caused. Really it is not difficult, we just need to hear that call — the one that wakes up your heart and you know you cannot walk away without trying. That is any all of can really do, is try. Try to be aware and think outside ourselves a bit more than we did yesterday.
Anyway, I am going off on a few different paths with this entry when what I wanted to was tell you about Miss Carley’s in Rockford and thank her for the work she does, and how she does it. That urgency and compassion is the only thing that will be able to break cycles.
Give her some support — https://www.facebook.com/misscarlys
And then if you can, please consider supporting my Healing Hearts effort. Also I’m adding something new — if you’d like to help encourage me with a tip for some coffee you can here.
What is today’s moral of my morning vent? I guess it is pay attention to those moments you feel alive. That is how you should be living.
HEALING HEARTS
https://www.gofundme.com/f/inject-healing-hearts-into-communities
I might be placing my vulnerabilities out there for the world to laugh at and me to be picked apart but we keep getting this wrong, why not try?
At least I want to try to place a bandaid on my branch of the family tree, I am tired of the destruction.
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