Well, today I lost my Facebook profile I’ve had since 2008ish. I was pretty much my journal for most of those years — jotting down everything, saving memories, and yeah, probably hoping someone cared. A few did , but for most it was fodder — entertainment — something to stalk- something to like — something to hate.
I had gone unscatched for a very long period, so I am not shocked, and while there is a slight sense of loss I think it has more to do with the realization no one will probably notice, at least not for a while.
Slowly over the last few years I’ve been whittling down my friends lists. The division in this country definitely played into those decisions, and it wasn’t out of hate, but more a disappointment that people just didn’t give a damn anymore, maybe the never did.
Toxic positivity at all costs combined with the need to wear masks to get along anymore, well, it’s not stomachable. It is suffocating — depressing — dark — oppressive. Then if you actually risk being yourself, you’re hated, stalked, called a witch and torn a part in their private coven of self-righteous self worship.
Where does a soul like me go ..?
That is a question I’ve been asking myself since I was a little girl, even before I knew the mark of the beast touching my skin via a predator in disguise. All those moons ago I would get lost in my mind like most little girls did, dreaming of those fairy tales and frolicking through fields of wildflowers.
After the first clash of confusion hit and I could no longer know what it was like to not know what being a survivor of child sexual assault felt like, that little girl in me clung on to those fairy tale dreams and days of wildflowers.
Interestingly enough I came to that realization this afternoon, after my connection to the outside world was slashed away — snatched. All around me I am surrounded by the art I’ve created the last handful or so years, funky quirky flowers, everywhere. It doesn’t matter what I may intend to paint, if anything, it always comes out with flowers.
Yeah, talk about something smacking you in the face….
Well, it’s time to take the monsters away so I don’t need to find comfort in the memories of a little girl.
You see I have been paying attention…
And I no longer need people in my life, my personal life, who do not respect me nor really give a damn about me other than for a distraction from their own pathetic existence.
I am transparent…
I am authentic…
I am flawed….
And I know how to sparkle..
But I am not your side show.
I will still ask Congress questions on why they are not returning Centene PAC funds..and why they are allowing #wallstreet to feed the division in this country and through PAC funds?
I will still expose it all wherever I can..whenever I can.
I will promote Healing Hearts, because I fully believe in it and my own heart. And I also believe we can change course in this country and avoid a wall we’re running at full speed, without helmets on.
I am going to find a way out and from under this pile of bricks called the system also known as being on disability. I had to fight for everything I have gotten but now I need to fight to get as far away from the compounded pain it causes before I am taken down to the depths of despair, like so many before me and are currently experiencing.
It is a heavy price to pay in this country for having being born on a very cracked foundation surrounded by hearts broken in half, but my life is important and I’ve gone through all of this for a reason, and I am not going to settle for anything less than believing it is in all of us to heal. Healing Hearts is not toxic positivity, it is authenticity wrapped in love and as much truth as you have to give. It is about being a good person, not kind — kind you can buy at Hallmark, good people cannot be replaced nor bought.
So, that’s what happened this afternoon, I guess you can label it a leveling up. Yay me!
Only a few will be allowed in past my posts here — if it is you, thank you for being a genuine heart. I appreciate you.
To a couple of my Heartbeats who will know who they are (not the children I gave birth to) Remember, always to listen for the Echoes. I love you, that will never abandon you nor will it ever die….
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