Damn Straight I am THANKFUL for Being Chewed UP!!!!

Why you may ask? Well being chewed up over and over throughout my lifetime has tenderized me, and as I tip the scale into my fourth decade of living, I know I am at my prime..........and that's good enough for me!!!

Now don't get me wrong, like millions in this country I am struggling everyday to make ends meat.....But I know I am a survivor, and I will get through this, as will any other woman out there who has survived leaving a domestic violent relationship, or who has dealt with the skeletons of a childhood that included emotional neglect, and sexual assault. If you..."we"...can make it through that....leave the abuse, and hand back the shame to where it belongs ...to our abusers, then YES...we can make it through this bleak economic period our country is facing right now!!

It was August 13th of 2007 when I knew it would be the last time I would allow myself to have been chewed up.....that was the day my now ex-husband...then estranged husband..sexually assaulted me (repeatedly) in front of my two sons who were standing in the doorway...trying to protect their mother. Luckily for me, and not so lucky for him, when the assault began I was working on my laptop, writing an article for the local paper I was a reporter with at the time, and when he walked in my gut told me I needed to hit audio record on my laptop.....and without his knowledge, the entire assault was caught in an audio file in my computer....an audio clip that lasted one hour and 12 minutes..........

His threats while he announced he didn't care if what he was doing was called "rape", the slaps, and all the trauma that ensued was documented - this was the evidence that got him a stay in a state prison for 8 years.......it was also what lead to me living the fear every woman in an abusive relationship has.........alone........no child support......alone.....two kids counting on me.....alone....battered physically, emotionally, and sexually.....alone.

I'll never forget that moment when after I could break free and get out of the house safely with my children in tow.....I walked into our little police station here in small rural central Wisconsin city....my hands clenching on to my laptop...raising it up as the officer came towards me....that known reporter in this rural town....my boys flanking me....and me saying, " I was just sex assaulted my husband (legally he was), and it's all right here...on this."

I can remember a fog after that....being escorted into a room...asking to be told to play it for them, and then sitting there ....listening to the attack that just moments ago took place...in front of two officers...men.................yes, a fog is the only thing that can describe that moment in time.

Now I could go into somethings after looking back that I now know were not handled as they should have been ....but I will save those things for another time when I discuss how the justice system is flawed...disconnected, and aides in a revictimization of the victim. What is important to point out was yes....that day....that tragic day....was the last time I was chewed up...and the life I led, and survived prior to all of that help to provide the tools needed to wake up on the road to surviving a new day.....a new life...the very next day.

That was the day that this child whose parents who no longer live....this once dedicated wife who now was a single mom.....this somewhat known figure in the community....learned that for the first time in my life, my entire life....I had to count on myself...learn to trust myself and face the world with my head held high if I wanted to live...not just exist.

So yes, DAMN STRAIGHT....I am THANKFUL for being chewed up and being SPAT BACK OUT....because now I can live free from the restraints of others..........and so can you!!!

From time to time I will share some of the things I've written throughout my life's path...to follow is a poem (HEY ...I TRY!) that I think sums up what makes the difference in a survivor from a victim:

Hunger

Hungry for nourishing food....

Hungry for a lighthearted mood.

Hungry for a better tomorrow....

Hungry for memories without sorrow

Hungry for quality sleep....

Hungry for dreams that don't weep

Hungry for days filled with joys....

Hungry for a future for my boys.

Filled up with deep buried scars...

Hungry for answers; looked to the stars

Bloated with pains from the past....

Hungry for a pill that out they will cast

Hungry to know and feel a soulful lasting love...

Hungry for the little girl's fantasy once dreamt of.

Hungry to give all my heart to that special one....

Hungry to feel the healing rays of the warm sun.

Hungry to lay in bed at night and feel secure.....

Hungry to rid the fears of a little girl, scared and demure.

Hungry to survive and show others the way....

Hungry for everything that will create tomorrow's better day.

These are the grumbling's of a woman's soul...

The dreams, fears, and desires from a hard life's toll.

Strength is not measured in how much has been taken in...

A survivor is one that knows a hunger is the drive to win.

by: Eva Marie 11/01/08