Once again it's the week of the Juneau County Fair. Once again I am sitting at home procrastinating in getting ready and heading over to the fair grounds to take pictures for the paper, as well as volunteer to sit at the Dems booth, and promote next week's Local Energy Excellence Fair.
Every year I am involved in the fair in one way or form...for the past three years it's been to report on it for the Messenger, prior to that it was for the Juneau County Democrats - which is always an interesting venture considering this is a HIGHLY conservative area.....I love a good debate!
So yes, I am sitting here procrastinating in going over there and carrying on with my involvements. My body is aching. My neck is killing me. My shoulders feel as if they have been pounded on repeatedly. My legs ache - it hurts to walk. My body feels as if it has been beaten, battered and bruised.
I am anxious...
I feel sad...
I am bitchy...
I am experiencing the horrors of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and have been since Monday evening when the aches started, and I tried to ignore them (I'm pretty good at that) -
Today is August 13th - the two year anniversary of the assault - that final assault which landed my ex husband in jail for battery and 2nd degree sexual assault, and changed my life, and my children's lives forever.
Monday was the 2 year anniversary of the day of the week the attack happened....the day before deadline day at the paper.
No wonder all the aches and pains surfaced then .....
Much like two years ago, I have to work. Much like two years ago, I have an overwhelming urge to get in my car and never turn back to this town, this house, and all of those memories.....and much like two years ago, I can't.
It's fair week.
Flooding back are those memories of not only the attack, but that numbness I had as I went through the motions of working - putting on a false smile so that no one would know how empty I was feeling at the time......reporters have to smile, be approachable....get people to open up.
Funny how my body is experiencing all the same aches that I did the week of the attack. Intellectually I know I am better off....but even the cells of my body...the muscles....the nerves...haven't forgotten the shock.
I try to reason with myself.....something else I am very good at. I tell myself that life is better, and it is despite all the struggles. I tell myself I am alive, and my children can smile...sleep through a night without worry that he will come and cause problems. That I am free....
That I love myself now....
That I can respect who I am now....
That I deserve a good life.......
But those scars and wounds run deep...it's like experiencing a residual haunting and my body is playing out the horrors once again.
I can laugh.......
I can joke.........
I can function..........
I can see tomorrows....
Feel hopeful.....
Dream...........
All the things that healing provides, I have - so I know I am on the right path...........
Time heals wounds?
I've often wondered about that saying, and earlier this week a friend of mine shared with me something that gave me some assurance that I needed.
It was Tuesday evening.....I was riding along with her as she needed to visit a relative who had been in an accident and was in a hospital over an hour away. Before we left, and when I arrived at her home, she had me sit down to answer some questions out of a book.......
Are you told you're too sensitive?
Are you highly curious?
Do you have a lot of energy?
Do you question authority?
Are you told you're intense?
Do you have desires to create change?
Do you have a strong sense of humor?
Altogether there were about 30 questions and I answered yes to every one ....well one question got a "kinda" response from me. I was tearful as she went on to read from the book....she was telling me I was "gifted" and that gifted people heal differently than others. We need to re experience the pain over and over and over until we find good in it. That the saying "time heals all wounds" doesn't apply to us.
She went on to say that traditional methods also don't always apply to us. We see the world, and our surroundings in a way that others do not often understand, including counselors and therapists.
For the first time I can remember, I felt like someone finally understood some of my struggles......but I didn't want to latch on to that label as "gifted" -
So...doing what I do best, I've researched the topic since that night...Tuesday....all while my body reacts to the residual haunting of PTSD.
Two years later....here I am.....
Two years later....I am still moving forward.......
Two years later.....almost to the date....I have something else to hold onto to reinforce my belief that "Everything Does Happen For A Reason"
I know I can get through whatever I need to for the aches to go away again ....and now I have a new aspect of me to consider - perhaps I am gifted - and if so maybe my journey in finding that out will help others along the way.........
There's that need to validate, help, and create change ..................
Thank you for being patient with my anniversary ramblings....I need to get ready for the fair now..............
Every year I am involved in the fair in one way or form...for the past three years it's been to report on it for the Messenger, prior to that it was for the Juneau County Democrats - which is always an interesting venture considering this is a HIGHLY conservative area.....I love a good debate!
So yes, I am sitting here procrastinating in going over there and carrying on with my involvements. My body is aching. My neck is killing me. My shoulders feel as if they have been pounded on repeatedly. My legs ache - it hurts to walk. My body feels as if it has been beaten, battered and bruised.
I am anxious...
I feel sad...
I am bitchy...
I am experiencing the horrors of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and have been since Monday evening when the aches started, and I tried to ignore them (I'm pretty good at that) -
Today is August 13th - the two year anniversary of the assault - that final assault which landed my ex husband in jail for battery and 2nd degree sexual assault, and changed my life, and my children's lives forever.
Monday was the 2 year anniversary of the day of the week the attack happened....the day before deadline day at the paper.
No wonder all the aches and pains surfaced then .....
Much like two years ago, I have to work. Much like two years ago, I have an overwhelming urge to get in my car and never turn back to this town, this house, and all of those memories.....and much like two years ago, I can't.
It's fair week.
Flooding back are those memories of not only the attack, but that numbness I had as I went through the motions of working - putting on a false smile so that no one would know how empty I was feeling at the time......reporters have to smile, be approachable....get people to open up.
Funny how my body is experiencing all the same aches that I did the week of the attack. Intellectually I know I am better off....but even the cells of my body...the muscles....the nerves...haven't forgotten the shock.
I try to reason with myself.....something else I am very good at. I tell myself that life is better, and it is despite all the struggles. I tell myself I am alive, and my children can smile...sleep through a night without worry that he will come and cause problems. That I am free....
That I love myself now....
That I can respect who I am now....
That I deserve a good life.......
But those scars and wounds run deep...it's like experiencing a residual haunting and my body is playing out the horrors once again.
I can laugh.......
I can joke.........
I can function..........
I can see tomorrows....
Feel hopeful.....
Dream...........
All the things that healing provides, I have - so I know I am on the right path...........
Time heals wounds?
I've often wondered about that saying, and earlier this week a friend of mine shared with me something that gave me some assurance that I needed.
It was Tuesday evening.....I was riding along with her as she needed to visit a relative who had been in an accident and was in a hospital over an hour away. Before we left, and when I arrived at her home, she had me sit down to answer some questions out of a book.......
Are you told you're too sensitive?
Are you highly curious?
Do you have a lot of energy?
Do you question authority?
Are you told you're intense?
Do you have desires to create change?
Do you have a strong sense of humor?
Altogether there were about 30 questions and I answered yes to every one ....well one question got a "kinda" response from me. I was tearful as she went on to read from the book....she was telling me I was "gifted" and that gifted people heal differently than others. We need to re experience the pain over and over and over until we find good in it. That the saying "time heals all wounds" doesn't apply to us.
She went on to say that traditional methods also don't always apply to us. We see the world, and our surroundings in a way that others do not often understand, including counselors and therapists.
For the first time I can remember, I felt like someone finally understood some of my struggles......but I didn't want to latch on to that label as "gifted" -
So...doing what I do best, I've researched the topic since that night...Tuesday....all while my body reacts to the residual haunting of PTSD.
Two years later....here I am.....
Two years later....I am still moving forward.......
Two years later.....almost to the date....I have something else to hold onto to reinforce my belief that "Everything Does Happen For A Reason"
I know I can get through whatever I need to for the aches to go away again ....and now I have a new aspect of me to consider - perhaps I am gifted - and if so maybe my journey in finding that out will help others along the way.........
There's that need to validate, help, and create change ..................
Thank you for being patient with my anniversary ramblings....I need to get ready for the fair now..............
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