It's Complicated....really it is!

Wow...ok, maybe I will write this out and not post it...

Maybe it's because I've been ill now for 3 weeks with some nasty ass virus and I am worn down that I am finally going public with this...

I don't know...

Maybe it's because I am fed up with games...

Maybe it's because I can't sleep due to too much on my mind..

Or maybe because it's finally time - I just can't stand it any longer...

Well...(it's a good thing I am not a drinker, cuz' I'd be downing some right now!)

Where do I begin...It's complicated...the three men that have been in my life since my divorce..........

One is that dear friend of mine in Oregon - I love him to pieces...I can actually say he is my best friend in so many ways. I tell him far more than I would or have anyone else. When he entered my life it was if a guardian angel came in to protect me from myself. Like it was meant to be.

This may sound freaky to you all but our friendship developed on a message board. Yup, that's right...an Internet message board (and no it wasn't a dating site!). I had been separated from Tim and heading towards filing for divorce...at the time Tim was stalking me, and causing havoc every other day. I had already had him arrested a couple of times for domestic violence and I was living in fear.

I felt so alone..so isolated from everything and everyone. I wasn't working ..I didn't work for the paper yet...my mother had just died...and life was topsy turvy. I was hundreds of miles away from old friends - pretty much still a stranger here in Wisconsin and this small tight knit rural community. I also know carried that label - that stigma attached to victims.

I was missing two of my best friends...both males...and both of whom had passed away a year prior; Ari and Patrick. Both of them I had gotten to know during my days as a special ed. advocate and activist back in Illinois. Ari I met the very first time I spoke out at a school board meeting in District 63 - the first step in me becoming that advocate who would organize a parent's advocacy support group.

Below is an excerpt from an newspaper article that documented that meeting.. (Pioneer Press no longer publishes their archives free...Roberts was my married name)

Parent forms group to help special ed kids - Des Plaines Times (IL) [February 3, 2000] Author: DEBORAH HOCHSTETTLER STAFF WRITER Word Count: 513 Document ID: 11369492DF6527B8
When Eva Roberts found out in November that her son, who is in a special education program at Apollo School in Des Plaines, was not getting the speech therapy he so desperately needed, she took action against the school district.At first, she blasted the East Maine School District 63 officials for not notifying her when her first-grader stopped getting speech therapy on Nov. 2, and demanded her child's records.

It was at that meeting Ari took notice of me and our friendship began...

Ari was an older gentleman, a boat rocker and one that made his presence known at every school board meeting....Ari was in his late 60's I believe and over the course of the next couple of years Ari became like a father figure to me - He was this Catholic girl's Jewish Daddy...our little joke. He also became very active in the group I started, Parent-2-Parent for Special Students - That group was also the vehicle where I met Patrick - who would become like a brother to me.

There are no words to describe Patrick - the man made me laugh, that's for sure...he knew how to get a crowd going especially during a protest. I remember the time our group had a first meeting with our state senator...Sen. Dave Sullivan. Patrick made sure he made a grand entrance....he arrived late wearing a bright green suit jacket and shamrock tie - he walked over to where the Senator was sitting ...leaned over.shook the Senator's hand..and said - "How ya doin' Daveyboy? Rob any taxpayer's lately?" - Then he winked at the Senator, and took his seat...

I can remember rolling my eyes and bursting out laughing....by then the Senator was too.

If you think that's something...ya should have seen him in Washington DC at the US Dept. of Ed...OMG!

Yup - those were the days...and those two men would become my family and best friends - Patrick was always trying to convince me in going back to school...going to college...he would always tell me how much potential I had and I needed to do more in life....I think he also saw something in Tim that I was blind to and tried to warn me...

Ari...well Ari was Ari - After I moved to Wisconsin we kept in weekly phone contact...every conversation he would end it by say, "Love ya Kiddo!"

Both of these men died in the same year....just month apart. We knew Ari was ill with pancreatic cancer....and it was just after we all visited Ari in his home for a final goodbye that I received word a couple of weeks later from Ari himself that Patrick at the age of 50 had died in his sleep from a heart attack.

Two very special men...two wonderful friends...both gone, and both of whom I so missed that summer when my life was turning upside down from living in the nightmare of domestic violence...

So one night I sat down at my computer with a glass of wine in tow (one glass and I am loopy) posted something on a message board (something I had never done before) talking about needing a male's perspective on questions I had in my life...I made it clear it was to be a platonic...no hanky panky kinda thing.

And that's when my now dear friend, Steve, entered my life.

Right off the bat we hit it off. It felt like Patrick was at the other end. We talked about anything and everything including politics, antiques, life..etc...etc..etc.. and it was and has always been a platonic friendship.

Steve talked me through many a night when I couldn't sleep and after Tim had come and caused havoc.....who else could I call at 2 am when Tim had just been arrested for throwing me across the room and ripping the phone out of the wall - that friendship of ours I am sure kept me sane during an insane time in my life.

Steve never once pressured me to do anything, he was always just there for me if I needed an ear - exactly what a best friend does for another.

That summer we met I was flat broke...no money...no job...and a car in the driveway that didn't run. Tim was on court orders of no contact and to punish me he kept all of our money - to feed the kids or to pay the household bills I had to beg for money...so rather than give him that power I sold my possessions on eBay. That is how the kids and I survived...we ate pancakes and oatmeal many a night because that was all I could afford. I was emotionally exhausted....but I wouldn't ask for help...I was too stupidly proud - Steve knew that, and offered to have me sell some of his things on eBay, but only if I took a commission - that was his way of helping me and allowing me to keep my pride.

Steve has this way of communicating through music....he knows what song fits any emotion...any experience. There was a time when Steve was going on vacation and he knew I relied on him to get me through some rough nights.....Tim was stalking me, and I was in the midst of filling our divorce papers....it was a bad time, and I never slept - I was too scared to sleep. So he sent me a cd of music to listen to and a movie to watch to help keep me occupied and distract me from my own mind. The movie was The Butterfly Effect, and the first song on the cd was Speed of Sound by Cold Play:


That song still gets to me. I cannot but help to think about my special friendship with Steve, and how he always been there for me when I needed him most....no questions asked...no pressure ...nothing, but just pure friendship - and let me tell you, that man has heard some ramblings from this mouth! Patient he is....something he has always told me I needed to learn...patience.

Still to this day when my life is chaotic....I will play that song and it instantly calms me down.

That my friendship with Steve...a cozy warm blanket ...like an old pair of jeans that when you wear them you feel comfortable.

Some people are just meant to be in your life.....

And then there are those who will leave you guessing...they fly in and out in a whirlwind of confusion...and that would be David....that Prince Charming I once wrote about -

I was officially divorced when I met David, and thought I was prepared to date again. I doubt if any woman could be prepared for David. Mr. Tall Good Looking Professional with a twinkle in his eye....a dedicated father to his children, and a hard working man that worked his butt off to make sure they had everything they needed. A trait I respected and up to then I had only seen in my father.

I've already dedicated a full post on David but I didn't finish it - the reason is because this man who swept me off my feet with tender loving attention and affection, also broke my heart - shattered it into pieces.

The timing of the end is something that has always haunted me. It was just as I was realizing how happy I was with him....how I was falling hard for him...how I was at ease..my guards were down...the wall around my heart was crumbling....and it scared me.

I was driving home from his house and I had a fleeting thought that I should end it before it was taken away from me because I didn't think I could handle it if I woke up one day and it was over...out of my control.

Everything was fine...perfect...or so I thought.

I had told one person about that thought I had...and they will remain unnamed because it's just too hard to explain how they fit in, the next thing I knew David ended the relationship not only did he end it, but did so over the phone and used a lame ass excuse. He said he woke up that day and decided that since I had children he wasn't ready to that package now children is something we both had and something we had discussed at length many times. When the words were coming out of his mouth I knew he was lying, that there was something else at work - my gut told me he found out about that fleeting thought I had, the one I told one person and decided to end it before I did. That person must have not caught on to the fact how I said I learned something about myself through that fleeting thought....like I shouldn't be scared to feel happiness.....

Anyway...

I was devastated............

A few weeks later I was laid off of that full time job I had and had to rely on the p/t reporter's pay and partial unemployment....Christmas was just around the corner...

I spent that winter in a shell...crying my eyes out...wondering...questioning...angry.

You see I had left a necklace at David's house...one my children had given me. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time because I thought I could get it back next time....there was no next time.

David promised and promised to send it back to me.....the man still has it - like he is holding on to it for a reason....he knows it's that last connection between us...

Maybe it was a knee jerk reaction when he ended the relationship because he found out about that fleeting thought of mine and once he saw how hurt I was he didn't know what to do...after all he is that professional - who knows...but still til this day because of how it all played out the walls around my heart are thicker than I ever imagined....and trust is something that now is more than just difficult for me..........

Trust for a survivor is one of the hardest issues to get over and work on, needless to say I am still working on it.....

Just ask Steve...he knows....his answer, "forget the jerk already!"....if only it was that easy - I need to know where I played into it....what signs didn't I see?

I am after all......

Chewed Up and Spat Back Out..............

Wow!! I needed to get that all out!