Shaky Ground: Child Sexual Assault/Abuse

It's Wednesday, hump day...that wonderful point marking midweek and the day after deadline day at the Messenger - the day we all at the paper look forward to....our down day - the day to regroup and get ready for next week's rush. It's our Sunday -

It' the day I always say I am going to clean my house...

Do all the things I need to catch up on...

And it's usually the day I get absolutely nothing accomplished.

Today started out like every other Wednesday for me.....sleeping in - sipping coffee..news on in the background and catching up on emails I've put to the side.

Then the phone rang.......

The Lend a Hand phone rang....

It was from another organization- they had a woman there that was in need of help.

I told her I would meet her to see what help we could provide.

I never know what story I will be walking into when I go out and meet these people. Every one is so different from the last.

However something I am starting to notice...and I think I always realized this would be the case....is that so many of these people, especially the women, and I have a common bond other than being fellow human beings breathing in the same air at the same time....

Many of these women and I share that ache of being an adult survivor of child sexual assault. Perhaps many of the men I come across doing this volunteer work also share that bond, just they don't express it...

And yes, once again, today...I met another survivor.....

I don't know what it is but most of the time I see it in their eyes before they ever tell me their story - and yes, they are the ones who eventually open up to me on it and what happened. But I am starting to notice that for some reason I sense it before they ever say it.

You can see them wanting so bad to trust someone, but also so fearful and guarded at the same time....

The feeler questions go out...from them to me...I sense them watching my reactions to see if their secret can be trusted or not .... "Will she judge me?"

And once they realize that I am not there to judge - out pours the story - their nightmare....their heartache...their regrets...their pain.

I know it all too well - that internal ache that shook and cracked the foundation for the rest of their lives....mine too...

"It stays with you - all that bullshit. No matter what I do to forget it, it's always there."

Those were the words I heard from that woman today - true words indeed.

Now the interesting thing about this all is I am not there to help them with those memories...the scars left from being sexually abused as a child - I am there for their present situation to help them find a roof.....shelter from the cold harsh Wisconsin winter.

I wish I had the magic pill to provide them with shelter from the harsh winds of the past that keeps blowing them in a downward spiral of poor self esteem...and eventually into the arms of more abusers....users...which then eventually leaves them completely out in the cold.

So today I listened to this woman's story - I saw all her "facts" on why she was in the situation she was in - I sat and quietly let her vent her pain - and yes, tears came to my eyes as I remembered what that pain feels like.

I don't think I will ever be able to hear a story of a crime to a child and be able not to cry - especially one where innocence is ripped away.

As soon as I heard about her childhood everything else in her life made sense to me - other's may not see it - but it was the natural progression of the pain of an open wound that's never been cared for........the poison of abuse spread and ran through her veins -

Yes, I wish I had that magic pill to give her - the one that would mend the cracks in the foundation that child sexual assault caused -

But all I can do is tell her...show her she has worth and value by not judging her- and hope that one day she will look in the mirror and see it for herself - only then can her healing begin.

So the next time you see that "bum" or beaten...battered and worn woman - don't judge until you can say you understand the foundation they have to walk on - shaky ground causes many to fall - be kind if you see them trip...you never know just how powerful that kindness can be, even if you think it will do no good - one day it will - it has too.......

Below is a video from Let Go, Let Peace Come In - it marks an anniversary for the foundation whose goal is to help provide therapy to adult survivors of child sexual assault - each picture represents a lifetime of struggles ...pain...and a road towards healing - but most of all each picture also represents a survivor reaching out to others in hopes they will find that common bond and know they have value and worth - it's that kindness to a stranger.......