Yesterday I wrote about how my ex (abuser) violated court orders, and contacted me from prison...yet again. Well I did the right thing and notified his probation and parole agent and informed her of the violation. I love the age of technology because I could do so in an email, and not have to worry about how nervous...scared...or upset I sounded over the phone.
She handled the situation swiftly..responded to me within an hour, and contacted his social worker at the prison to enforce a warning that should he decide to violate the terms of the conditions set forth, he would suffer consequences. In addition to that she forwarded to me all the communication between her and the social worker. I found that to be very considerate on her part, as I am sure she could tell that while I may seem "in control" , inside I was shivering with the residual fear all those memories of the assault bring on.
It's not easy to involve the police when you're in an abusive relationship...usually in the beginning there are slaps on the wrist for the offenders, and misdemeanors issued. Those slaps can end up being escalated violence on the home front as now the abuser has something to really be angry about. Then if you don't involve the police it turns out to be an open invitation to the abuser to keep it coming because there is nothing to fear.
Victims who have been battered and worn are forced to make these life altering decisions. Remember that when you ask why they stay...why they don't do anything about it...and then remember that battered and worn woman has had the definition of love shattered and all she wants to do is put the pieces back together to feel the warmth of it once again. Some victims turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the chill of a life without true healing love....and others just shut down so that the blows just dent the armor around their soul....and then they forget how to live, they just exist.
Yesterday I was disappointed with myself. I got mad that I allowed a simple letter from Tim to shake me to the core...so much so that nightmares once again invaded my restless sleep. I was disappointed that once again I worried about what will happen in 2015 when he is released. Will he hunt me down? His life in all essence will be ruined. He will be 48 years old, and a felon. He will have to register as a sex offender where ever he decides to live. He will be on supervision for another 6 years. How will he live with all that following him?? What anger will he walk out with?? Will his new group of friends consist of released felons? Will he walk out with the mental health treatment he needs under his belt, or will he walk out worse than he went in? I've been his target ...his focus...for so long...he went in wanting to control me..own me..and if he couldn't he wanted to kill me....what will be his focus when he walks out?
I already know rules...court orders...mean nothing to him. When he assaulted me last time he was already on probation....and the letters are being sent with him knowing that they are a violation...
These are real questions...real fears of mine. The fears haven't stopped me from moving forward, but they are on my mind...in my mind...always somewhere waiting to remembered they are there. Those nightmares I had reminded me that they are there. I hate those nightmares. I hate waking from them, sweating...shaking...crying...and on the bed where they were first imbedded into my soul...the bed where he last touched me...assaulted me, and then waking from them in an empty dark room....alone. No comfort readily available....so their horror lingers.
So yes, yesterday I beat myself up for allowing it all to flood back. I tell myself not to think about it, but at the same time as an advocate I know I must prepare for it. I question if I should bring anyone into my life because I know it's a lot for someone to take in and I wonder by doing so will I be endangering their safety. I am not the typical divorced mom with two kids...I have all that waiting off in the future..the unknown of what will happen when he is released.
How does a person handle all of this? Yes, I know I must just live for now...today...but still how do I also prepare for the future, and keep myself safe? I am a very open, and public person. I live a public life...from the work that I do to the volunteering I love. For me to hide - isolate myself, will be a torture all of it's own - I would be denying myself the joys in my life....
Six years is not a long time, the last two have flown by ..and before I know it 2015 will be here and that shadow of darkness will be on my mind...looming...how does one prepare and is it fair to invite someone else into it...to take part in it...to have them worry...........................?
She handled the situation swiftly..responded to me within an hour, and contacted his social worker at the prison to enforce a warning that should he decide to violate the terms of the conditions set forth, he would suffer consequences. In addition to that she forwarded to me all the communication between her and the social worker. I found that to be very considerate on her part, as I am sure she could tell that while I may seem "in control" , inside I was shivering with the residual fear all those memories of the assault bring on.
It's not easy to involve the police when you're in an abusive relationship...usually in the beginning there are slaps on the wrist for the offenders, and misdemeanors issued. Those slaps can end up being escalated violence on the home front as now the abuser has something to really be angry about. Then if you don't involve the police it turns out to be an open invitation to the abuser to keep it coming because there is nothing to fear.
Victims who have been battered and worn are forced to make these life altering decisions. Remember that when you ask why they stay...why they don't do anything about it...and then remember that battered and worn woman has had the definition of love shattered and all she wants to do is put the pieces back together to feel the warmth of it once again. Some victims turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the chill of a life without true healing love....and others just shut down so that the blows just dent the armor around their soul....and then they forget how to live, they just exist.
Yesterday I was disappointed with myself. I got mad that I allowed a simple letter from Tim to shake me to the core...so much so that nightmares once again invaded my restless sleep. I was disappointed that once again I worried about what will happen in 2015 when he is released. Will he hunt me down? His life in all essence will be ruined. He will be 48 years old, and a felon. He will have to register as a sex offender where ever he decides to live. He will be on supervision for another 6 years. How will he live with all that following him?? What anger will he walk out with?? Will his new group of friends consist of released felons? Will he walk out with the mental health treatment he needs under his belt, or will he walk out worse than he went in? I've been his target ...his focus...for so long...he went in wanting to control me..own me..and if he couldn't he wanted to kill me....what will be his focus when he walks out?
I already know rules...court orders...mean nothing to him. When he assaulted me last time he was already on probation....and the letters are being sent with him knowing that they are a violation...
These are real questions...real fears of mine. The fears haven't stopped me from moving forward, but they are on my mind...in my mind...always somewhere waiting to remembered they are there. Those nightmares I had reminded me that they are there. I hate those nightmares. I hate waking from them, sweating...shaking...crying...and on the bed where they were first imbedded into my soul...the bed where he last touched me...assaulted me, and then waking from them in an empty dark room....alone. No comfort readily available....so their horror lingers.
So yes, yesterday I beat myself up for allowing it all to flood back. I tell myself not to think about it, but at the same time as an advocate I know I must prepare for it. I question if I should bring anyone into my life because I know it's a lot for someone to take in and I wonder by doing so will I be endangering their safety. I am not the typical divorced mom with two kids...I have all that waiting off in the future..the unknown of what will happen when he is released.
How does a person handle all of this? Yes, I know I must just live for now...today...but still how do I also prepare for the future, and keep myself safe? I am a very open, and public person. I live a public life...from the work that I do to the volunteering I love. For me to hide - isolate myself, will be a torture all of it's own - I would be denying myself the joys in my life....
Six years is not a long time, the last two have flown by ..and before I know it 2015 will be here and that shadow of darkness will be on my mind...looming...how does one prepare and is it fair to invite someone else into it...to take part in it...to have them worry...........................?
Comments
(((safe hugs)))
sitting and listening
It helps to put all these thoughts and emotions out there rather than sitting here and letting them churn in me...I know whatever is meant to happen will ..
I just hope that by telling my story one day someone will walk away feeling less alone in theirs...that in itself is healing for me.