The Letters Keep Coming...........

Today I have to do something I am not looking forward in doing. Not only am I exhausted from spending the first part of the week out of town at a domestic violence advocacy training and find that the task I have before me today kind of ironic to say the least.

Yesterday evening I walked into my home looking forward to collapsing on the couch and vegging out. I wanted to not think about domestic violence...victims, survivors nor offenders. I just wanted to enjoy being home and listening to the continuous ramblings of my children as they detailed their time while I was gone. I missed my boys and just wanted to focus on them and nothing else.

I surveyed the kitchen taking in the mess that greeted me there...the piles of dishes, and the counter showing the evidence of all the food that had been consumed by my teenager over the course of the last few days....and that's when I saw it....the letter. A piece of mail waiting for me.

A letter with the telltale red stamp on the envelope alarming me to who had sent it: "This letter has been mailed from the WI prison system."

It was from "HIM" ...Tim...my ex husband. The man whose actions had caused so much pain....trauma...strife...poverty...in the children's and my lives for the last few years. A mountain of crap (no other word to describe it) that I am still trying to dig my way out from under and climb over and beyond it. A man who I once loved with all my heart, to remembering the last time he touched me consisted of his hands around my throat while he sexually assaulted me and emotionally raped me.

I shouldn't have opened it, but I did.

Now he is not suppose to write me...he's been told this over and over. He's not suppose to write Justin either. Kyle is a different story as Kyle has wanted communication, and after discussing this with Kyle's counselor I agreed to it...but with conditions. All letters to Kyle are to be sent to Tim's probation and parole agent to be reviewed, and she is to forward them on to us. The reason for this is that I wanted to stop him from trying to send me messages hidden in letters to Kyle, and I didn't want mail coming direct to our house from the prison as when Justin sees that telltale red stamp it triggers his anger and PTSD ...memories flood back to that attack I suffered at the hands of their father, and in front of them while they...the boys...tried to save me from it all.

We set up these conditions for a reason as Tim has sent me letters before...letters claiming his love for me, how he wasn't ready to let go of it...how he was sorry for all he had done...mixed in with proclamations of his newly found faith....while also pointing out how I was being so mean for not forgiving him....how I wasn't honoring God's word by not being there for him....how I was to blame for everything because after all I knew he was an alcoholic, and not in control of his actions...and how I had now ruined his life because I involved the police....and always signed them Love, Tim.

The twisted roller coaster ride of an abusive relationship summed up in a letter...the blame, the manipulation of "love"...and the reminder that they will always be there...waiting....no matter what.

Two years later...almost two years since that last assault...him being incarcerated and I still feel stalked.

I opened up the enveloped and found a card, and letter inside. Written on the card was "Peace be in your heart - May love and happiness fill your soul and may Gods grace shine upon your life"

Then the letter that had been placed inside the card started off with:

"Here is yet another attempt by me to invoke a response from you."

He goes on to write how he wants to petition the court about the child support that is adding up....child support in which I have yet to see a dime of and probably never will.

He wants to stop the interest that is amounting on the $106.00 a month payments he cannot make. Mind you that $106.00 for both children...not per. The absolute lowest amount the court can order because of his inability to earn while he is incarcerated for a crime he committed against me, the mother of his children...and a crime his children witnessed.

Before all this happened the man made more than that $106.00 in one day as a sheet metal worker.

He then tells me he "needs" me to do research for him on the laws so that he can achieve this goal of his in stopping the interest. Then he says it would "save us a lot of hassle."

Further down he asks, "Can you cut me slack? I need some air. Can we call a truce."

He wants to be in the kids life...he wants a chance. He doesn't want to wait until the children are grown and "hate is imbedded in Justin's soul." ...and then asked "is that what YOU want?"

He wants to be able to write me, and for me to write to him.

Then he goes on to complain about those conditions that were set up where correspondence needed to be sent first to his probation agent so "she can review it first." (something he keeps violating - knowingly violating)

"I'm not some kind of pervert or mad stalker. This shit is all so unreal. The shit you go through, man. I wish they would just shoot me to get it over with already. How long must my head be held underwater before they let me up for some air."

He ends the letter with: "May God bless you."

So after reading all of that...remembering all the whys the situation is the way it is, and after a night of nightmares of being strangled and raped today I must do something I know will anger him, and I must contact his probation agent to let her know the letters keep coming. He will suffer yet another consequence of his actions...and I will have the worry of what that means for me when he gets out of prison in 6 years......

After that...I need to get on with my life, and keep trying to dig myself out and from under that mountain...

Below is what he was charged with, and what he ended up pleading to from that August 13 2007 attack:

The case

1 940.19(1)
Battery
Misd. A
Guilty Due to No Contest Plea

2 947.01
Disorderly Conduct
Misd. B
Charge Dismissed but Read In

3 940.225(2)(a)
2nd Degree Sexual Assault/Use of Force
Felony C
Guilty Due to No Contest Plea

4 940.225(2)(a)
2nd Degree Sexual Assault/Use of Force
Felony C
Charge Dismissed but Read In

5 940.225(2)(a)
2nd Degree Sexual Assault/Use of Force
Felony C
Charge Dismissed but Read In

6 948.04(1)
Causing Mental Harm to Child
Felony F
Charge Dismissed but Read In

7 948.04(1)
Causing Mental Harm to Child
Felony F
Charge Dismissed but Read In